


A Half Life, A Cursed Life

by SpinnersendSlytherin, ThestralHouseofBlack



Series: Blood Magic [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Addict Harry Potter, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Disorder, Auror Harry Potter, Death, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Explicit Sexual Content, Forbidden Forest, Grimmauld Place, Hallucinations, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Healer Draco Malfoy, M/M, Malfoy Manor, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Sexual Dysfunction, St Mungo's Hospital, Suicide, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Thestrals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 05:21:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 45,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15212096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpinnersendSlytherin/pseuds/SpinnersendSlytherin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThestralHouseofBlack/pseuds/ThestralHouseofBlack
Summary: Harry Potter has decided to die. Draco Malfoy may be the only one who has noticed.





	1. Withdrawal

**Author's Note:**

> Don't read this if don't have a great support system, or if you feel like a relapse could easily be on the horizon. There's no smut here (yet), there's definitely no fluff. I mean, Neville is kinda nice, but that's it. Also, there's horrible heterosexual sex. We're sorry. 
> 
> Part one of this story is an emotional train wreck. We are setting the stage for Part two, and we need you primed to crawl back with our protagonists from the precipice. 
> 
> This is our first story (I'm writing Harry, my partner is writing Draco) and we'd love love love your feedback. Comments appreciated. Even if you just want to tell us about how horrible that heterosexual sex was. We know.

Chapter One – Withdrawal

March 18, 2008

Harry had been itching all morning. His shoulders, his back, his forearms. Fuck, even his eyes felt like they had a persistent layer of sand behind the lids. He rolled his shoulders again, taking several deep breaths, focusing himself, pushing all of the thoughts that lay around the edges of his consciousness back behind his singular goal: get through today. He rolled his shoulders again, spasms of tightness and a gnawing, clawing feeling of unease, tremors of his magic made his grip tighten reflexively before he consciously demanded they open again. He couldn’t sit still another moment. The paperwork in front of him swam in his vision, words on the page jumping to snarl and claw at his brain – blood curses and potion records, ingredient lists and shipment dates. He pushed his shoulders down again and the room swam as he closed his eyes, tilting his head back. He was sweating.

His singular goal, to survive today, was already feeling so overwhelming and it was only 8:15 in the morning. He could feel sweat dripping down his back, despite the cool, refreshing air of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. His boss, Robards, had demanded they keep the bullpen cold – he had a mantra that the cold kept you focused, kept you on your toes.

Harry was boiling over, his face hot, shining with perspiration. His shoulders twitched again and he opened his eyes, gasping a little at the overwhelming sensations – He needed a cup of water, his mouth was dry, but he was afraid of getting up from his corner cubicle, where at least his co-workers couldn’t watch him fidgeting and sweating like a suspect cornered in interrogation. How did he get here? How had this become his life? He was the chosen one, the golden boy, he was the hope and awe of the magical world – yet, here he was, feeling as though he may crawl out of his own skin with need.

Harry stared at the blank cubicle wall in front of him and tried to think how he had managed to get through the most stressful, most terrifying, most difficult days of his life. How had he survived living under the humiliation, the sickening hatred of the Dursleys? How had he faced Voldemort, year after year? He was a child then. He was a child then, and he had more courage, more bravery, more stamina than the adult he had grown into. Everything was washing over him in waves, screams of his tormented self, the stoicism that had kept him going, the gentle guidance of Dumbledore leading him to his death, a lamb to slaughter. A martyr for wizard-kind. 

He realized, again, his shoulders had come up, tight as possible, his back in an impossibly tense spasm. He focused, again, on pushing them back down, just as he swallowed down the nightmare of his youth, his past, everything that had brought him here, that had made him an Auror and a pawn in yet another game of good versus evil. He rubbed his hands, feeling th hardened lines along them, snaking beneath his ‘I must not tell lies’ scar, the irony not lost on him. Another panicked breath slid past his chapped lips and was sucked down into his aching chest. 

He felt sick. The nausea was back. He had thought he had thrown up as many times as a human being could throw up already this morning – after three hours he imagined the staccato dry heaves were all that could be left, there was no chance his body could put him through any more. He was wrong. The nausea was building. His abdominal muscles were taught, he hunched over, pulling around himself. He wanted to hide. He wanted to hide back in Grimmauld Place. The thought of his den, his refuge, resulted in a sharp, sickening pull deep in his viscera, his core – he could feel his magic asking to apparate him right back there, straight through the wards of the Ministry. It felt so excited, strong, like it hadn’t for ages. He wanted to run. 

He forced himself to still, to dispel images of his dirty mattress, the shabby, disintegrating wallpaper that hung, suspended in rolls from where the wall had rejected it, preferring to ooze dark magic and blackened, slimy mould. The takeaway boxes and plastic silverware from that Indian restaurant down the road he’d left in a pile by the bed. He thought of his kit, still laying haphazardly across the dusty carpet from where he’d kicked it from his bedside this morning in a rage – then he remembered the closet door and the nails he’d driven into the splintering wood, over and over again. He could hear the echoes of his own screams now, the voices he had heard in the dark. The waves of nausea returned and his magic flickered around him, just as itchy, just as tremulous as he felt. For what must have been the hundredth time this morning, he tasted bile in his mouth.

Oh god, he thought, panicking, what if he threw up right here at his desk? He couldn’t do it silently? Everyone was quietly shuffling papers around and making chit chat and it would be a cacophony of violent choking sounds if he let this happen here at his desk. He had to get up. He had to get to the loo. He had to make it through today. Could he even walk?

He paused, steeling himself. Ron was just on the other side of the cubicle, making his way through the paperwork Harry couldn’t begin to address. It had been like this for weeks now. Ron just picked up his slack. Carried him through the bureaucratic process. Without him, Harry was sure he would’ve lost his job by now. He couldn’t bring himself to ask Ron for any more help, not with this. He wasn’t sure how he’d react. He didn’t want to disappoint him… or, god forbid, give him even more stress than he was already under. With the anniversary of George’s suicide looming (the twin’s birthday, April 1st) and the fact that he and Hermione had a six-month old daughter at home – no, Harry couldn’t bring this to them, not now. This was just something he had to do on his own.

He sighed slowly, realizing that thinking of his friends had distracted him, had given him a moment’s composure. It was now or never, and he pushed out of his chair, hiding his trembling hands by splaying them on the desk and leaning heavily on them as he rose. He straightened up, shoved his hands in his robe pockets and focused on walking calmly and confidently to the loo. He could do this. He was doing it – he was making his way down the little aisle between cubicles and everyone had their heads down and were focused on whatever light versus dark, death versus life versus traffic violation nonsense that was neatly catalogued on each incident report page. Harry tried not to let the anger rise in him as he turned the corner and headed out into the thankfully deserted main corridor and to the bathrooms.

Harry both loved and cursed the policy of the Ministry when it came to the toilets – wizards were less gender obsessed than their muggle counterparts, and instead of having banks of toilet stalls in gender-divided bathrooms, they just had a few single bathrooms that were gender neutral and disability accessible scattered throughout the various departments. No one really minded who used which ones, as long as they were kept neat and orderly. He realized what a bad idea this was too late – his feet had already carried him to his usual loo, and as soon as he opened the door he slammed it shut again. He wasn’t prepared for the image his mind supplied of the many times his kit had been laid out in that very room. How he had nearly left a spoon on the floor one day when he was too far gone to pick it up and slip it back in his pocket. 

Harry stood facing the closed door, his hand white knuckled around the handle, his heart pounding. He forgot to keep breathing and his vision darkened before his brainstem sent a spark of desperation that prompted him to take a deep, shuddering breath. He opened the door and slipped inside, deftly popping the deadbolt lock in place, just another daily routine now soaked in his habit.

Harry wretched and heaved and spit bile into the toilet. Sweat was dripping off his nose, drool spilling from his lip, hanging down from his mouth. The force of his heaving stomach had made his eyes water, but he didn’t know now if he was just tearing up or sobbing outright – everything was running together, the violent spasms of his gut, his stuttering lungs and pounding heart. In his head all he could hear was this is it, Harry, you’re going to die. You have no choices left. You’re going to die. 

Slumping backwards against the wall, legs sprawled out in front of him on the cool tile floor, Harry ran the back of his hand across his mouth, reflexively wiping away the drool and tears and sick that had come pouring out of him. He felt each bone of the back of his hand as it slid across his lips, and he startled, looking down at his hands in the iridescent lighting of the bathroom. When had he gotten so skeletal? The track marks stood out, even against his dark skin, bruises, old and new, filling in the hollows between his metacarpals. How had he let himself get this bad? His skin no longer looked soft and inviting, just ashen and papery – rough, and like it barely felt the need to wrap around the tips of his phalanges. 

It hadn’t, last night. He grimaced as the memory of the closet surfaced. He had spent hours clutching his ruined hands, splinters lodged deep against bone. The surge of relief he had felt when his magic returned and his healing spells finally worked was the reason he was here today; the reason he was fighting so hard to keep it together. He never wanted to feel so vulnerable ever again. 

Could he? His vision swam and black spots appeared throughout as he tried to focus, to rally, to do anything but slip back to that place of beautiful, comfortable apathy - a place where molten honey fed the swarm that had made a hive inside him – to where he lay with death beside him.

Consciousness left him, and his features finally relaxed, the grimace that had been holding his secrets for the last two years melted away, his glasses resting skew across closed eyes. He was out cold.

 

 

Harry returned slowly, gradually becoming aware of the world around him – he could hear the hum of diagnostic spells, clipped and professional tones interspersed with confident footsteps to and fro – and he could smell it, the lemony fresh scent of St. Mungo’s – he sighed reflexively upon realizing where he was. This was it, as soon as he opened his eyes and they noticed he was awake, he’d have to start explaining what was going on. He’d lose his job, he’d probably lose his friends, he’d be a disgrace – the thought of the Daily Prophet getting hold of this juicy story made him burn with anxiety. His life was over.  
He concentrated on laying still – he felt a little better than he did this morning… how was that possible? What had they given him? Before he could let his thoughts snowball into a panic, he heard Ron on the other side of the curtain to the right of his bed.

“Healer Sprigg, thank you so much for looking after Harry – do you have any idea what caused this? I had Robards send over the list of potions with blood magic from the raid earlier this week as soon as I realized something was wrong and got him here – there’s nothing to push you into immediate action like your best mate lying unconscious in a toilet, I’ll tell ya.” Harry nearly groaned, realizing Ron had been the one to find him, shrinking in shame against his crisp hospital sheets. He could hear the fear beneath the attempt at humour in Ron’s voice. He let the guilt wash over him. It was suffocating.

“Well don’t thank us just yet Auror Weasley, we’ve still got no clue what’s going on here – he doesn’t seem to be reacting to any of the curses from the raid and so far we couldn’t find anything other than him being a bit dehydrated – we’ve found no magical contaminant in his blood, and we’ve just hydrated him and given him a calming draught.”

Harry felt a distinct twinge of hope in Healer Sprigg’s measured words. They didn’t know? They didn’t think to test? Oh fuck, he might just get out of this. Harry couldn’t believe his luck, and he forced down the bubbling of excitement that he might not have to face abject humiliation just yet – it didn’t mean he was going to be okay, that any of this was any less inescapable than yesterday, or this morning. He hadn’t managed to get through today. How was he expected to try tomorrow? And the day after? And, eventually, St. Mungo’s would catch on and he’d be forced to explain all of the lies, the deceit, the failings. The excitement he’d felt moments before was effectively obliterated and Harry welcomed back the familiar feelings of despair, hopelessness and the sense that this was a trap with absolutely no way out.

Harry felt his magic ripple around him, nudging him, reminding him that there was a way. He could give in. He could let it have him. He could leave from King’s Cross station and escape everything – the job he hated, the life he was barely living through, the need that had him in such a crippling hold he could barely manage the space to draw in breath, that squeezed him ever tighter the longer he went without it. His magic soothed him a moment, giving him a rare glimpse of peace. Yes, he thought, that was the way out. There was nothing left to do. The fight was over, the battle won, he was tired and worn out after all these years of desperately pushing back against the dark. He wanted the dark to envelope him, to hold him in that graceful, soft, euphoria he had come to know. He wanted the weightlessness of it, of death, of never having to awaken on that soggy, soiled mattress ever again. His resolve thickened as his quiet breathing marked time, as he imagined the bright white room, where pain and fear didn’t exist, where Dumbledore had told him he could choose his own destiny. Yes, this is the choice he would make. He would go… on.

 

He lied his way out of the hospital easily later that afternoon. Yes, dehydrated, he had said – working himself too hard these days, forgot to get breakfast this morning and had been a bit under the weather with a flu – a perfect storm, he nodded and agreed with everyone, his hands neatly hidden beneath the folded sheet across his lap.

He had promised to take tomorrow off. He was adept at smiling and nodding and reassuring – everyone trusted his deep and familiar voice, the Saviour’s voice, though he had already decided he would Imperio anyone who caught on or got suspicious to keep them from interrupting the next several hours. He had a plan, and it would be over soon. What’s one more unforgivable, he thought, for what I am about to do, they will have no choice but to forgive.

He would have to write Hermione, he thought, as he strolled through the atrium of St. Mungo’s, out past the double doors and into the afternoon sunshine. He couldn’t write Ron – he didn’t deserve another one. George’s had nearly sealed his fate as a permanent psychiatric patient in St. Mungo’s Janus Thickey ward. No one would’ve blamed him – Harry never saw the note himself, but he had heard from Hermione that it was seventeen pages long. Seventeen pages of why he couldn’t, not without Fred. 

And then Ron had found him, in the back office at Weasley Wizard Wheezes, strung up with one of their extra long jump ropes that had been charmed to stay swinging without anyone holding their ends, just in case you didn’t have enough friends to skip rope with you, and you had wanted to perfect your double-dutch. Ron had told Harry, tears streaming down his face and voice catching every syllable that George must have done it moments before he walked in to help take stock, because as Ron had rushed forward, his legs were still swinging gently and they were still warm to the touch. 

Molly and Arthur had sold the shop that week. It’s now full of potions for skincare and bath products. No one speaks of the jokes, or the shop, or what happened, or the twins at all, these days. Harry misses their laughter, more than anything – of everything the war stole from him, the twins’ laughter and the simple joy they brought to life was the sharpest and most tender agony.

It had taken a month before Ron was discharged, given antidepressant potions and a strict schedule with a mind healer. That was a few years ago now, and he’d made an incredible recovery - Harry was so proud of him, he couldn’t put him through it again. 

So, it would have to be Hermione. She would be heartbroken, but, ever the practical witch, she would find a way to carry on, she would know this burden was too much, she would know how long he had carried it. How long he had carried them. He needed rest. And quiet. She would understand.

His magic twitched in excitement and he felt the familiar deep thrumming in his abdomen, begging him to apparate straight to his den – to Grimmauld Place.

Yes, he thought, and he smiled as he turned on the spot, this is exactly what he needed to do.


	2. Off Call

Chapter Two – Off Call  
March 18, 2008

Draco stepped out of the doors to the curse damage ward as several Aurors shoved past. He’d just come off a 24-hour call. His last 24-hour call for the next year, he reminded himself, relishing the release of responsibility as he picked his way through the corridor to go through his familiar post call routine. It’s not like he needed to fulfill this routine now that he was not on call, but as a creature of habit he just couldn't help himself. Making sure those ducks are in order, and whatever the fuck else his compulsions compelled him to do, like go grab some tea and catch-up with his only work-friend before the last of his post-call rounds.

His feet swiftly carried him back to his office. He changed out of his all black scrubs and into his button-down, waistcoat, and fitted trousers, also all black. His office was small but not uncomfortably so. His department too was small as he was the only specialist. He had spent many nights sleeping on his little couch or pouring over research behind his little desk. Because of how small the haem department was he had spent a shocking amount of time on-call and in this room over the last 2 years. He was going to miss this office, but it would be waiting for him in a year’s time to step back into this life and routine.

The thought made him a little nauseous. _We’ll cross that bridge when we get there_ , he thought. _One step at a time_.

Draco felt incredibly uncomfortable leaving the dread Healer Sprigg in charge of the haem department unchecked. Even though Sprigg had specialized in blood curses, he didn’t have the double mastery in potions that Draco had earned in France. And, his dismissal of muggle haematological concepts on blood just made Draco want to rip his larynx out when that oversight put muggleborns in danger due to inept care.

Sighing as he moved around his desk, he grabbed his March edition of the British Journal of Haematology and leafed through it quickly. Scanning an article on using peripheral blood in bone marrow transplants, he felt amazed that anyone could look down on this kind of work. He had used a similar technique when studying Dragon bone marrow, thanks to muggle innovation. Dropping it back on the desk he tidied his few belongings before stepping back out into the corridor.

He couldn’t believe his last day was finally here, after months of encouragement from his therapist and few friends. He’d been teetering on the edge of a vicious burnout for so long, and he sighed in relief as he strolled towards the Janus Thickey ward to see Unice. He had worked so hard to get through Healer training, to get into his speciality, to do good in his community, only to jump through every fucking hoop and obstacle the wizarding world could throw at him.

And, it had finally been too much. The chaos of the hospital, the disregard from his patients and fearful mistrust of patient families, the dread of 24-hour calls, and constant walking on eggshells to maintain the fragile trust he had to basically grovel for from his colleagues. Clearly making it through all the training in the world and being a highly skilled specialist in dark blood magic didn’t get you jack-shit for respect or human decency when you have a Dark Mark and enough familial baggage to scare off even most therapists.

He laughed to himself thinking about the last 2 years as he passed another small crowd of frantic aurors. Pushing himself into a stairwell he took the steps two at a time thinking about how much his life had changed. Sure, he still had crippling anxiety that ran amuck in his personal and sometimes professional life, but he was working on that, he thought, as he crinkled a post-it note in his pocket.

 _I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening, and will happen_.

If he said it enough times maybe it would ring true one day. He clung to that hope. That was the point of this whole exercise, Beatrice had reminded him during their 3rd appointment. That woman did not fuck about when it came to delivering hard truths in their hour-long sessions. Draco’s crippling self-doubt forced the nausea to come in waves when he thought about his responsibilities, about his life choices, about what he would make for dinner or wear to work. She said it was because he carried too much responsibility from his childhood and took on even more as an adult, so that even small decisions felt like slaying nine dragons. _Fucking Beatrice_ , he thought fondly, always digging up shit he didn’t want to look at, but knowing he needed to if he ever wanted to feel like he wasn’t drowning.

He finally reached the Janus Thickey ward, tapped the door with a wandless ‘alohomora’, and walked confidently towards the nurse's station.

“She’s already in the break room.” said the dour Nurse Smith without ever looking up from her files.

“How do you always know it’s me?” Draco asked with real curiosity. She seemed to always know when he was coming to see Unice.

“You’re the only one in this entire building who wears shoes that click like you’re about to start tap dancing.” she said, with zero humor, still not looking up at him.

He couldn’t decide if he should be offended, mortified, or laugh hysterically. Honestly, how had he never noticed his shoes clicked like that? Instead, he went for plainly unamused.

“Huh, well thanks, good to know Nurse Smith. I’ll just be going to find Healer Rhoda then.” He said politely and turned promptly towards the break room. This is why he didn’t have friends, when someone tried to have friendly banter or tease him he just choked on his tongue, panicked on the inside, tried not to break out into cold sweats, and ended up being mildly rude. He was so fucking awkward, but to others, he was sure he just seemed surly and unpleasant. Anyway, he thought, glazing over impaired social skills, he ducked into the break room and felt his shoulders relax instantly at Unice’s knowing smirk.

“I was wondering when you’d come to see me. I thought maybe you’d run off to your fortress of solitude without saying goodbye.”

“Unice,” he feigned in mock indignation, “how dare you imply that I wouldn’t have the grace to say bye to my one and only friend in this abominable hell hole.” He smiled as she rolled her eyes and began making him a cup of tea.

“Tell me,” she said, “how was your last 24-hour call? And, did you manage to get through without strangling Sprigg?” Now it was Draco’s turn to roll his eyes.

Healer Sprigg was an insufferable know-it-all who often swooped in behind Draco to act the hero and swoon over patients that were less than comfortable with Draco’s history. Sprigg loved placating them in the most pandering tones while they shot shifty looks towards Draco and asked to be switched to another Healer. Draco always pretended not to hear, and never inquired as to why some patients were taken off his roster because he wouldn’t give Sprigg the satisfaction of being able to talk down to him. Though every time it happened it increased the leaden feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Irritating hero-complex aside, Sprigg also looked down on Muggle science and health advancements with maddening superiority. Honestly, how did he get off treating Draco like a muggle-hating bigot when he himself was worse than half of the blood supremacists? Draco loved muggle science. _Loved it._ And after dealing with many muggleborn teenage magic folk coming through his department through the years that had participated in muggle recreational drugs, he had become even more fascinated.

“Oh my god, I cannot even begin to tell you how elated I am to not think of that man for a full 12 months.” He sighed rubbing his hands down his face and accepting his tea from Unice.

“Hmm.” She said sipping her cup and looking thoughtfully at him, “So, you didn’t murder him today. That’s good at least.”

“The day is young.” Draco said sardonically.

“Indeed it is.” She laughed. “Have you told your mother yet?” She asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

“That I want to kill and then sell Sprigg’s body to muggle science experiments? No, I didn’t think she needed to hear about my dark daydreams.” Draco smirked, knowing what was coming and trying to deflect.

“You know what I mean, Draco.” She said with a deadpan expression. She was the only one at the hospital who called him by his given name and he loved her for it.

He sighed and avoided her gaze. “Uhg, no. I know I should have told her weeks ago when I applied for my sabbatical.”

“Yeah.” She said simply. “Now it’ll be extra fun telling her that you’re leaving civilization to stalk unicorns in the forbidden forest by yourself for a year. Excellent planning.” She paused, seeing the look of forlorn pleading on Draco’s face.

“You don’t owe her anything,” she said, “but considering you’re trying to have a healthy relationship with her, telling her your big life decisions like this is probably a step in the right direction.”

Unice was right of course. The first time he met her was during training. He had been lonely, everyone in the hospital gave him a wide berth and everyone in his program even more so. His fellows didn’t want to be painted with the same brush and risk losing patient trust like Draco so often had to contend with. After being asked to leave his 4th consult in one shift due to the patient recognizing him and requesting his removal, he had wandered off to the cafeteria to stare bleakly at the formica table top and try not to cry into his coffee.

He was an adult, he was a Malfoy, he was a healer, and he wasn’t going to cry. But there he was, all by himself, no friends, no comfort, and completely at a loss for how to move forward in his education and career. Tearing up, he had grabbed a sugar packet off the table to pour into his coffee, but his sad shaky hands had accidentally spilt said sugar all over the counter top. And then, he couldn’t help it, he cried. Unice came out of nowhere and quietly sat down, swept the sugar aside, pushed a chocolate croissant towards him, and handed Draco a tissue.

He had felt mortified by being caught out, but oddly touched that someone would actually sit with him and offer quiet comforts instead of skirting around him and ignoring the sad weeping Death Eater in the corner covered in sugar and shame.

Accepting the tissue, he blew his nose and thanked her. She looked at him evenly and indicated to the croissant. “Eat.” she said sternly, “Chocolate fixes everything.”

Draco had snorted but didn’t argue. She seemed formidable, but not unkind. He didn’t recognize her and panicked internally about what she might think when she found out who he was. She must know, mustn’t she? Everyone knew. Everyone gossiped. Maybe she wasn’t from around here. As if reading his mind she said soothingly, “Even Death Eaters need comfort and chocolate, young man.”

He nearly choked on his croissant. He had never heard anyone joke about his Death Eater status. Oh god, was she some creepy muggle hater trying to make friends with a former Death Eater? He’d met weirdos like that before. He was too emotional for this. She just sighed and patted his shoulder to help him cough up the bit of inhaled chocolate.

“Please don’t choke to death in front of me that would really put a damper on my day.” she laughed.

“Sorry,” he said trying his hardest not to sound rude, “do I know you?” His tears were no longer of sadness, but of burning embarrassment and of the effort to expel buttery pastry flakes from his lungs.

“Unice.” she said shortly.

“Draco,” he coughed, “Draco Malfoy.” He regained his composure to a degree and shook Unice’s hand.

“I know.” she said. He didn’t know what to say to that. “I trained in France, but gossip travels far.” she explained. He still didn’t know what to say. He had tried to regain the polite indifference he usually wore but it was no use, she had already seen the panicked flailing behind the mask.

She smiled. “I too am a disgraced pure-blood.” He just gaped at her. “Only instead of helping win a war and stand up to a mad man, I married a muggleborn and gave birth to a squib.” She was still smiling. Draco was mildly astonished by the admission and comfort with which she spoke about it. It was nice, it felt almost like having a friend. Whatever those were. “And the shit people prattle on about you in this gossip mill is nonsense. If anyone was actually paying attention they’d know you’re clearly too soft to be evil. Eat your chocolate.”

“Thank you?” He croaked. She just smiled and continued chatting to him like they’d been friends for years.

They took tea together every day from then on. That was nearly four years ago.

“I have the letter written, I just need to send it.” He half lied. What he meant to say was that he knew what he wanted to say to his mother he just hadn’t found the courage to actually put it on parchment and send the fucking thing to her. She was going to be furious about it. Mother had been terrified of the forest since after the war and when he told her that he was going to live in the forest alone she was surely going to try and stop him with profound guilt and no small amount of manipulation.

“Are you waiting to send it until you’re safely ensconced in your forest lab?” She teased.

“Perhaps.” He averted his eyes. That was precisely what he meant to do. “Anyways.” He tried changing the subject. “No Sprigg for a year, no Manor tea invites for a year, I’m clearly, finally living my best life.” He giggled. He really was excited about this next year. Nervous, anxious, and full of second-guessing self doubt, but still excited.

“Your best life indeed.” She smiled softly. “Too bad you haven’t found someone to come relieve you from those lonely nights in the forest yet.”

Draco sighed heavily. “We both know my love life is a fucking joke and that will never change. I’m just happy my sabbatical was approved.”

“I’m happy for you Draco,” she said honestly and lovingly, “but honestly, who will reprieve me from Nurse Smith’s omnipresent judgements when you’re gone?”

“I’m sure you’ll find another sad student crying somewhere to ensnare.” He teased.

“Oh the sad strays, how I do love to inflict my company upon them.” She smiled wistfully, rolling her eyes. “What do you have left to do before you leave?”

“Not much. I need to go finish my rounds, make sure nothing interesting has dropped into the haem department, and pack my encourage-mint.”

Unice smiled. “You and that mint plant are something else.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” Draco laughed.

Draco tried not to sigh in exasperation listening to his shoes click-clack on the floor as he marched away from the Janus Thickey ward and back down to his haem department. Honestly, how had he never noticed that sound before?


	3. Untreated

Chapter Three – Untreated  
March 10, 2006

Working as an Auror, as one might expect, was full of danger and intrigue, and Harry had gone right out of Hogwarts straight into training with Ron without a second thought. Not even a year or two to collect his thoughts and reflect on the absolute nightmare that had been his life, not an eighth year like so many others had opted for – no, he signed up the moment he could, didn’t even take his NEWTs, out of the frying pan and into the fire, so they say.

Harry sighed, thinking about it. He had never known a moment’s peace, even in those early days when it was supposed to be all fun and exciting in training – showing off their skills and revelling in their fame for being dark wizard conquerors before their 20s even hit. He had always thought he would enjoy how experienced he was, how capable, but the truth was more complicated than that. Every spell he cast had memories, even something as simple as expelliarmus – it was loaded with flashbacks as it rolled off his tongue, gilded with pain and the shattered feeling of having the extra bits of soul inside him pulled away into nothingness.

Sitting at his desk in the bullpen, Harry watched as people scurried back and forth between meetings, briefings, interrogations and extra training sessions. He rolled his quill between his fingers on his right hand and absentmindedly reached up to rub the scar on his forehead. It didn’t hurt, and it hadn’t for years, but somehow he still felt like there was a residual feeling, something… heavy. Maybe it was just his thoughts, this time.

“Potter.” came a stern voice from off to his left and Harry nearly jumped through the ceiling, his wand out and the quill snapped and clutched in a balled fist. His heart thudded in his chest, the prickle of adrenaline flooding through him. It took several seconds before Harry could let his wand fall and clear his thoughts of the incessant pounding of his heart. He focused on fixing his posture as to not appear too battle ready. Robards wasn’t even looking at him, his eyes downcast at the pile of folders in his arms, distracted from whatever he was about to say and apparently oblivious to the tension he had caused.

“Where the fuck is this file? You know I wanted you on that case tracking down the Lestrange leads we’ve collected – we’ve got a few properties we need you to sweep with your team this week.”

Harry swallowed with difficulty, his mouth having gone dry. “Yeah, I’ll make sure to get it done, Ron’s been going over the plan and details with a few of the others – but we know the drill, sweep the house and dismantle curses, stun anyone we find, it’s nothing new.”

Robards nodded, finally finding the file he was looking for and slapping it down on the desk in front of Harry, not bothering to answer. Harry wondered if it was obvious to anyone that he wasn’t keen on his work, that he hated the idea of still having to track down Death Eaters, still having to fight, still having to dodge jets of green light. At the thought, Harry felt his heart quicken again, and he shoved the thoughts right back down. He couldn’t afford to dwell on that, he told himself, quietly counting the number of individual shafts of hair along the left side of his ruined quill until his mind returned to a disinterested blank and his heart didn’t feel as though it might escape his chest.

It had taken longer than usual to calm down, he thought with a dull resignation. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the file below him. Lestrange. What a joy.

Ron’s voice helped pull Harry out of his reverie. “Hey mate, you coming to dinner tonight?” he asked as he stood to stretch. His cubicle was situated just across from Harry’s, though they couldn’t see over the divider between them – a design flaw that annoyed Harry to no end.

Harry envied the way Ron seemed so at ease, he had slowly morphed into the cool and confident Auror that Harry had always envisioned himself becoming, but now wondered if he’d ever be. Even with all of the struggles, with the twins gone, with his parents barely keeping things together, Ron was an anchor. Across the cubicle, Harry wasn’t even convinced he wanted to be an agent of the DMLE, he was just here, doing the Ministry’s bidding, trying not to die in the meantime, holding on to nothing, nothing keeping him grounded.

“Yeah, of course.” Harry replied, his voice more quiet and thoughtful than he had anticipated. Ron gave him a quizzical look and drained the rest of his cold coffee before smiling slyly.

“You know Gin’s going to be there, and we haven’t seen her in a dragon’s age – it’ll be good to catch up – though, now that I think of it, I’ll probably just have to sit through a rundown of all the hookups she’s had this past year, and even if she doesn’t, as soon as I get home Hermione is just going to give me a play by play of every single new and exciting sex trick she learned from my sister. God, what is wrong with my family. More things to tell the mind healer, I guess.”

Harry snorted in acknowledgement. It’s true, Ginny and Harry had parted ways at the end of the war with nothing but a hug and the promise to remain friends, and they had done just that. She’d gone off to play Quidditch internationally and had made quite a name for herself. Off the field, she was finding distraction in every new city she visited, fucking away the memory of the war with reckless abandon, letting the mouths of her lovers wash away the scars of a time and a place best forgotten. 

She was brutally open about her coping methods, and every time they got together at the Burrow, she gave thrilling renditions of the exciting new ways she had found to scrub her soul of the heaviness they all felt. From BDSM retreats in Barcelona that helped her relearn to relinquish control and still feel safe to fetish clubs in Helsinki where she experimented with orgies in the snow, Ginny was leaving no moment left unlived, no corner of herself unexplored.

Harry sometimes wondered if he had helped push Ginny to this sexually extravagant lifestyle. The one and only time they had gotten the courage up to strip down and make an honest attempt at vaginal intercourse, Harry had struggled to get hard. It was in the weeks after Voldemort’s defeat, and while everyone was celebrating and decrying the return to a free and fair wizarding world, he couldn’t shake the prickling notion that there was so much left to be afraid of, so much left to fight. 

He found himself constantly transported back to saying goodbye to Ginny at the castle, before he walked off into the forest. He looked at her and he saw the moment he had relinquished his hopes for romance, he had even taken the time to think that Dean would be there to comfort her and hold her after, that he’d be there to pick up the pieces – he had imagined her moving on and building a life without him. When he looked at her, he replayed those final moments of resignation, and his erection had no interest in staying the course.

She had tried to fix things, of course, but even the soft curves of her naked body sliding against his and her eager mouth wrapped around his wilting cock did nothing but convince him that he was unable to experience pleasure. He had survived the war only to look down at the girl he had envisioned himself marrying and having a family with struggle to keep him hard for more than thirty seconds at a time. Eventually, she had gotten him just a little past halfway erect and climbed on top of him so they could pretend to enjoy the vaginal sex they had convinced themselves they needed. 

She had looked the absolute picture of how Harry imagined every boy’s fantasy, her hips and breasts full and round, her nipples hard and eager for his attentions, which would never come. Harry had winced, Ginny’s enthusiastic motions hurting him more than anything, and, eventually, they just gave up. She had tried to kiss him and promise him that it was okay, and that they could try again, and asked him what she could do differently, but he was dismissive in the glaring light of his own failings. He cursed himself, he cursed the war, he cursed the fact that he was just 18 and he couldn’t get his cock to work.

He had gotten up from the bed, dressed in a hurry and did his best not to slam the door on his way out as a profound rage boiled inside him. He’s not sure if Ginny cried or not afterwards, but he wouldn’t blame her if she did. He had wanted to cry, desperately, he wanted to fall into the arms of someone who understood his confusion, his loss, his terror that his future would hold no pleasure, that there would be no one for him to share his affections – but he had no one, and that was that. 

Instead of crying, he stormed out of the Burrow, his magic breaking a dish in the sink behind him, and he apparated to an empty moor from his year on the run, where he lay in the dew-covered grass and tried to cool the burning rage that threatened to consume him. He stayed there that night, his anger at himself, at the world, keeping him awake as he stared at the shadowy clouds drifting across the night sky – a lazy, peaceful sight that filled him with a deep and gnawing envy - until he finally succumbed to a fitful and clenched sleep beneath the northern constellations.

Although he had returned to the Burrow the next morning and apologized, their relationship never recovered. He had spent months ruminating over his failure, filled with a sense of dread that somehow, after everything he had been through, something inside him was broken. He was broken.

Harry didn’t want to judge Ginny now – she was doing her best to forget, to move on, to exchange the years of fear for years of pleasure, and who was he to say he knew any better how to heal the wounds of the past.

He let the thoughts of his failed romance linger as he stroked the feathered tip of his broken quill. He had never lost the anger after that night, after the war, really – it stalked him, relentlessly, always just below the surface, like a persistent ringing in his ears, invisible to everyone save him. He’d never tried to fuck anyone after that ever again.

____________________ 

After dinner catching up with the Weasley’s, where Ginny, predictably, updated them all on her extensive exploits and Bill and Charlie both floo called to say hi and send their love, Harry was exhausted. He loved his family, he did, he just found it so tiring to go through the motions of being happy, of laughing at jokes, smiling at his friends, even hugging Molly and Arthur drained him – all of these motions felt hollow, with the external Harry laughing while internally he wondered how anyone could stay living in this house with all of the terrifying memories that haunted it – Fred and George’s room was just upstairs, literally hanging over their heads. It was in this house that he heard Bellatrix taunting them, heard the cracks of apparition as Death Eaters swarmed, surrounding them. The house where he learned he’d be a failure at making love.

Harry had to shake his head and push down the rising feelings of panic, of loss. Hermione looked at him across the table and he just shrugged, smiling. He registered the motion as a lie, like much of his behavior at the weekly dinners, he was faking happiness for them, and it left him feeling as empty and numb as ever. Every now and then he looked across the table and caught Molly’s vacant eyes, sometimes brimming with tears, but she would smile quickly and shake it off as soon as she caught him staring, playing the same game as he was, sitting across a table but too distant for them to share in the reality of their pain together.

After picking apart a treacle tart he barely tasted, listening to Molly practically beg Ron to get on having grandchildren already, Harry apparated back to the tiny garden flat behind Ron and Hermione’s four-bedroom house. It was just one room and a bathroom, with a tiny kitchen in one corner, but he didn’t need more space than that. He’d been living here the last few years, and he never wanted for more – he no longer had the dreams of a family where he’d need more bedrooms, hell, he didn’t even have dreams of sharing his life with a partner. 

His one bed and one reading chair, cupboards with instant noodles were enough for him. Every now and then he told Hermione he had plans to renovate Grimmauld Place and move back in there, but he knew it was a lie. He wondered if they would ask him to leave ever, or if they’d just let him waste away in his single room in the shadow of their happiness.

Most of the time, he enjoyed living so close to Ron and Hermione, it often helped hedge away the loneliness that filled his nights, but sometimes… sometimes he looked up at their big family home and their holding hands and the laughs they shared with each other and he had to bite back the horrid rush of jealousy that threatened to consume him. He had given so much; he’d been so selfless. Why couldn’t he feel something close to that happiness? Why had he fought so hard for this? Was this it?

Harry sighed, slipped into bed and cast a silencing charm, sealing his little garden flat tight, like he did every night. All these years later and he still woke himself screaming, sheets wrapped around his ankles, desperately grasping for his wand, the terror just as fresh and real as ever.

____________________

That Friday is Auror Pub Night. Actually, every Friday is Auror Pub Night. Like clockwork, they leave the office and head to the pub, get drunk and celebrate whoever’s locked up someone big and bad recently. Every week, Harry gets the routine shoulder slap and “see you at pub night, Harry!” usually with finger guns from one, two, sometimes three different coworkers. Harry always smiles and laughs, confirming his attendance with a thumbs up, hating the sick ritual and the fact that he’s not even sure of the people’s names who are asking him. 

They only want him there because, let’s be clear, Harry is a fun drunk. He’s funny and charming and is the first to come up with cheers or jeers, bar games and silly pickup lines. Externally, Harry is the picture of a fun work mate, a good time guy, and god, they love him for it. Internally, Harry spends the whole time chasing the relief that alcohol brings, he needs distraction from what’s happening in his mind – the shudder of panic each time the pub door opens and a stranger walks inside, the flickering images in his peripheral vision, ghosts of villains and heroes, both. Every shot he drinks is an attempt to escape, a layer of protection against his own reeling thoughts. He hates the crowds, hates the smells, the touching of strangers as they move past him, trusting nothing and no one to be benign.

This week, when he shows up at the bar to a round of cheers and offers of shots, Harry grins and feigns his delight, like always, but as soon as they look away and he’s following Ron to their usual booth, his grin has dropped, replaced with a grimace. He downs two tots of firewhiskey in quick succession, feeling especially raw, waiting for the stiff drink to push the weight on his shoulders aside.

For a room full of people who are trained to pick up on the subtleties of behavior, Harry is shocked that no one has noticed just how miserable he is. This routine is just as much of a farce as his weekly dinners at the Weasley’s, just, this time, he has endless rounds of whiskey, bought by his many fans and admirers, to fuel the desperate need he has to numb himself, to dial back the wretchedness, the constant choking dread that this is the summation of his life.

In the midst of an inane discussion of Quidditch that Harry couldn’t care less about, he clings to a moment’s courage, and interrupts Ron to ask “Ron, do you think I’ll ever be happy?”. Ron laughs, startled, and counters “Only if the Harpies take the title this year, I can’t imagine how much of a sore loser you’ll be if they fuck it up – their best chances in nearly a decade and a seeker to rival Krum back in the day! I can’t pretend the Cannons have a shot, really, so I’m willing to put myself out there and root for your team, just this once though, as my favor to you”. 

Ron grins stupidly and gets up to grab another round from the bar, and Harry seethes inside. He feels ignored, rejected, minimized and it stokes the anger that has become his constant companion. His magic sparks in response and shatters the shot glass in his hand. No one notices over the noise and chaos of Auror Pub Night, and Harry watches the blood seep slowly from a gash in his thumb before whispering a healing charm.

He doesn’t try honesty with Ron again that night, or any night after. Instead, he gets as drunk as he can before letting Ron drag him home, collapsing on his bed, not even changing out of his clothes.

In the night, he wakes to his screams, which quickly transform into sobs as consciousness takes hold. He cries until his throat is raw and his eyes feel nearly swollen shut. He had dreamed about the fiendfyre. The heat of the flames and the burning of the soot and ash stood out vividly in his mind, but he couldn’t remember much else. He didn’t think that was why he had broken down though. No, that was the loneliness.

In the morning, after Harry rinsed off the grime of Pub Night, he stood, his head hanging below the stream of near boiling water, his dark hair hanging down around him, unmoving. His hangover was brutal, but he didn’t have the energy even to go ask Hermione for a potion to quell the merciless pounding of his headache. He didn’t have the energy for anything, really. He closed his eyes and brought his forearms up against the cool tile of the shower wall and leaned his forehead between them. His shoulders shook as the sobs came again, hidden this time by the water falling all around him. This time, it was the emptiness.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, under the water, drowning out his despair. When he got out, he wrapped a towel around his waist and padded into the kitchen for coffee. Not for the first time, Harry added a healthy dash of whiskey in his mug to help him get through the day.


	4. Unbroken

Chapter Four – Unbroken  
March 10, 2006

The sun broke through the clouds and came peering in through Draco’s kitchen window above the sink as he busied himself making his morning tea. His kitchen was much like the rest of his house, stark white, clean, decidedly clinical. He had had very little time over the last 5 years since leaving Hogwarts to personalize his living space. He’d barely had time to do anything other than cram information into his brain and try to diligently distance himself from his past indiscretions in the war.

After repeating his seventh year and finishing his NEWTs, Draco was accepted into healer training with letters of recommendation from not only Professor McGonagall but from Hagrid as well. Without the backing of those two, he knew he would have been rejected on principal alone, grades notwithstanding. He was so desperate to distance himself from the absolute failure of a teenager he had been. It certainly helped that Potter had stood up for him and his mother at their trials, and it helped even more when Father was sent to Azkaban.

Draco surprised everyone at the start of term when he began making personal and heartfelt apologies to everyone he could. Literally everyone. He knew his only way forward was to make amends, mean it, and throw himself at the feet of those he had wronged before and during the war. He was no longer loud and confident, swaggering down the corridors of Hogwarts, but rather quiet, reserved, and serious, keeping to himself as much as he could.

He spent the first year of his 4 year probation with his head down at Hogwarts plowing through school work like his life depended on it, which it certainly felt like it had. Draco pushed himself to be constantly busy lest he let the ever pressing reality of his experiences in the war enter the forefront of his mind and swallow him whole. He had taken 8 subjects; arithmancy, charms, defense against the dark arts, potions, muggle studies, transfiguration, herbology, and even care of magical creatures, and received 8 Outstandings for his hard work.

Everyone was further perplexed when he signed up for Care of Magical Creatures, including Hagrid, who regarded Draco with curious suspicion. When he got around to Hagrid he laid it all out and apologized for being an absolute horror for trying to get Buckbeak executed, for being a pompous asshole and disrespecting Hagrid during his lessons, and for generally being an unpleasant toe rag during his youth.

Hagrid had responded to Draco’s apology with a hearty slap on the back which sent Draco flying forward onto his knees into a giant pumpkin, and a “Tha’s o’right lad, ‘ou were a product o’ your up bringin’.” It didn’t mean Hagrid trusted him as far as he could throw him, or that they were suddenly mates by any stretch of the imagination, but it did open the door for Draco to actually learn something during his classes and get what he could from his education. What neither of them expected, however, was that by the end of the year they had become quite friendly with each other. Draco excelled in COMC with Hagrid’s enthusiastic lessons that really had improved in quality since his OWLs.

Not all apologies went this well though. He received a fair few point-blank hexes, several flying fists at his face, and those who responded with a cold, sneering indifference. Lavender Brown slapped him in the face and stormed off when he tried to apologize to her for what happened with Greyback. Neville Longbottom simply stared at Draco for an uncomfortably long time, holding intense eye contact and unblinking, before shrugging and walking away. Oh, and Dean Thomas had to be pulled off of him in the middle of the entrance hall as he tried to put his fist through Draco’s skull.

That had not been a pleasant experience, but he took what was dished out to him. He felt that he deserved whatever he got. He did royally fuck up after all. What was a few trips to Madam Pomfrey with black eyes and hex wounds if it made everyone else feel better? He barely felt the strikes to his body when they came after him anyways. He never defended himself, didn’t see the point. He felt detached, like he was watching himself through a tunnel. Being beaten and ganged up on by a group of Gryffindors in an empty corridor after dinner felt like it was happening to someone else rather than it actually happening to him. He wondered why he didn’t feel angry or indignant about these attacks and retaliations. He wondered why he didn’t feel anything other than cold emptiness when he realized it was because the old Draco was dead. The Draco with fire and confidence, with pride and humor was gone. He was a grey shell filled with roiling unsettled magic and shame.

To his utter astonishment, Luna not only accepted his apology but gave him a hug which made him feel like crying and bursting out of his skin and fleeing. He hadn’t been hugged in, god, he couldn’t remember how long, and the touch was decidedly foreign. She said that she knew Draco had been just as trapped as she had been and in much more danger than she was. Her eyes were filled with a knowing look that bored through Draco’s soul and he avoided her for the rest of the year. He hated that anyone could know what had happened to him. It made it too real.

After the blur of emotional turmoil and feverish school work that was his last year at Hogwarts, he began his training at St. Mungos. Which, as it turns out, was just more emotional turmoil and feverish school work. Who’d have guessed? Draco didn’t mind so long as he was busy and didn’t have too much idle time to allow the deep recesses of his brain to air out their dusty corners full of skeletons and cobwebs - or, rather, full of Death Eaters and the Dark Lord. He felt like there was a bogart in his skull constantly looping his worst fears and nightmares in garish detail while he furiously tried to ignore it by doing more and more and more.

When his probation had finally ended in his 3rd year of Healer training, he applied to do a potions rotation in France. At this point, the panic attacks were a part of his routine. Make tea, panic, get ready for rotations, crushing dread, see patients, break out into cold sweats, lose his favorite pen, existential crisis, ask a nurse for tests, vomit on his way to break room, etc. To those around him he was cool, calm, collected, professional, prepared, and well spoken. While many didn’t particularly like him because he was so often clipped and curt, they couldn’t fault his impeccable behavior and focus.

The bogart in his head was a sadistic bastard, really, and he felt like a complete fucking fraud most of the time. No one realized that while he appeared still and methodical, his insides were writhing and he constantly had to fight the urge to run or puke on himself. He was hoping that some time away from England would clear his head and give him some space to breathe, away from the crushing oppression of his past looming over him like a persistent cloud.

What he didn’t expect was to run into some of his past in France. Neville Longbottom was doing a medical herbology rotation at the same university. He was startled to see Draco, but regarded him with wary, polite professionalism. Draco tried to stay out of his way, but found he often had to consult with Neville’s department, and by default, Neville himself, for potion ingredients in his research. Neville’s standoffish behavior was like nightmare fuel for Draco’s imaginary boggart, and he was eventually forced to admit that the panic attacks were starting to interfere with his studies.

One day, a few months into his potions rotation, he was looking for Neville in a greenhouse on the campus grounds. He needed some information about Lily of the Valley root for its use in cardiac arrhythmia potions and wanted a sample to experiment with. He even wrote down what exactly he wanted to ask Neville, because often when he went to find the former Gryffindor, Draco couldn’t seem to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth to spit the question out, and would inevitably walk away without speaking, probably seeming really rude, and giving his skull-boggart more food for thought.

“Longbottom? Are you in here?” He called cautiously, “Sorry to bother you, but I have a quick question on Lily of the Valley root…” he couldn’t see anyone at first glance, but sometimes Herbology students were hidden amongst their plants in the large space, so he started to pick his way across the greenhouse to see if Neville was working out of sight. He found him bent double, crooning over a venomous tentacula waving its creepy vines to the sound of Neville’s dulcet tones. “Um,” Draco coughed.

Neville looked up, his open smile and apparent joy at loving the plant sliding off his face as he looked up into Draco’s stony countenance. “Malfoy.” he nodded as he stood from his crouching position “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” Draco said curtly, fingering the note with his question written on it in his robe’s pocket, “I wanted to know if I could get a sample of Lily of the Valley root, and to ask if you had any information regarding cardiac uses.” He hated how formal he sounded even to his own ears, but it was the only way to maintain control.

“Oh, sure.” He sounded happier than Draco had anticipated, “I’ve got some really interesting stuff you might enjoy, let me just clear this up first and we can head to the back.” He had turned around and began picking up jars filled with fire whiskey and venomous tentacular leaves - he’d been making tinctures. As he stooped down to grab the last jar, the half filled bottle of fire whiskey slipped from under Neville’s armpit and shattered at Draco’s feet. “Oh! Shit, Malfoy! Sorry!” he sputtered as he tried to reach for his wand, dropping a jar and shattering that as well.

The pungent smell of firewhiskey hit Draco’s nostrils and it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. His ears filled with the sound of a thousand angry bees, his lungs were filled with glass, and it felt like he was looking through the top of a pensive memory down at a familiar and horrifying scene. It didn’t feel like he had a body anymore. The stench of whiskey had taken him somewhere he never wanted to think about. A part of his memory he kept occluded behind layers and layers of denial and the sheer will of forgetting. He could hear jeering and hands on him, too many hands, and a rough voice, the smell of blood and sweat -

“Malfoy! Come on mate, Malfoy! Draco. Breathe. In and out.” Draco could hear someone yelling somewhere. Why were they yelling, he thought distantly.

“Draco! Mate, breathe. That’s right, just breathe. Here, feel this?” Draco didn’t remember how he ended up on the ground, how long he was there, or what Neville had shoved into his hands. But he suddenly realized that he did indeed still have hands and that they were attached to limbs, and that they could move according to his will. His hands were being brushed over something spongy in a small shallow pot, guided by Neville’s hands. The entire world seemed condensed into that small pot in his lap.

“Feels nice, right?” Neville asked softly, “Deep breath, good. Doesn’t that smell better?”

Draco could smell something minty and wet that slowly replaced the fire whiskey smell in his brain. He became aware that he still had a body and he slowly began to re-inhabit it again. He was in France, not the manor. He was with Neville, not Greyback, who was helping him pet a small plant that made nice smells the more he touched it.

“What… the fuck?” Draco finally managed to croak when he realized how absolutely fucking ridiculous this situation was. He was sitting in dirt on the floor of a greenhouse, hyperventilating like a total freak, while being instructed to stroke a tiny plant. He was mortified with himself.

Neville sighed in apparent relief. “There you are.” He said, smiling slightly. “It appears you’ve had a panic attack, my friend.”

“Yeah… that happens.” Draco was startled by the word ‘friend’. He tried to get his bearings. He wanted to flee but he was still incredibly dizzy and hadn’t entirely regained the control of his legs yet.

Neville’s brows creased in thought, “Do they?” he asked gently, “How often?”

Draco eyed him warily wanting to brush the whole thing off but his exhaustion and complete lack of dignity in his current predicament had him folding his head into his hands on his lap and sighing.

“… all the time.”

He wanted to cry. He was so embarrassed, so tired. His adrenaline was crashing leaving him feeling like he had fled to the moon and back. He took a deep breath in, hiding his eyes with the heels of his hands, and smelled the sweet little minty thing still in his lap. Neville hesitated, hovering his hand over Draco’s shoulder, “Can I touch you?” he asked quietly. Draco shrugged and continued to breathe deeply and pressing into his eyes. Neville carefully placed his hand on Draco and clumsily rubbed soothing circles onto his arm.

He felt drained and distinctly uncomfortable as Neville had never been this nice to him before and was sure that he was only doing it because he felt awkward and didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m sorry Longbottom, this is entirely unbecoming of me.”

He tried with his usual clipped tones, which were completely undermined by the fact that he still hadn’t taken his hands away from his eyes which had filled with tears in the meantime. He couldn’t believe he was crying in a greenhouse in France, being soothed by a serpent slaying Gryffindor.  
“Don’t apologize, I’m the one that doused your senses in fire whiskey. I’m assuming that’s what triggered it?” He ended awkwardly.

“Yeah, I suppose it must have.” He tried casually, but knowing full well it was indeed what caused his abrupt departure from reality. He shuddered at the thought and tried again to regain his composure. When he finally looked up from his hands Neville was holding out a tissue and smiling weakly at him.

After that they were… friends? Friendly? Enjoyed one another’s company in their free time? Neville had insisted that Draco keep the little plant, mint corsica, stating that its entire existence was to encourage happiness. Neville called it his Encourage-Mint.

Now standing in his kitchen cradling his cup of morning tea Draco looked over to his little encourage-mint, the only sign of life in his otherwise bleak existence. Neville had told him when he had given Draco the little mint corsica 3 years ago that it was an extremely difficult plant to care for requiring constant attention and moisture. He had also said that anyone who could keep a mint corsica plant alive for more than a few weeks was an alright bloke in his books.

From then on Draco had taken it as a personal challenge to prove he was capable of loving something other than himself and obsessed over his tiny pot of encourage-mint. With the sun streaming through his kitchen window he wandered over to poke his wand at the charmed cloud that hovered above the soft bed tightly packed tiny green leaves to ensure that, yes, his charm work was holding. It was part of his morning ritual. His little charmed cloud assessed moisture, humidity, and shade, and would rain when needed. Not only had he managed to keep this finicky plant alive for 2 years but it really was thriving, spilling itself over the edges of its pot, feelings its way onto the window sill in search of more fertile grounds to lay new roots.

As satisfied as he could be that the mint plant may survive another day without his constant vigilance he scrubbed his hands over his face and began the motions to clear away his empty tea cup. Lost in thought, he was startled and nearly dropped his mug when an owl flew straight into the window with such gusto he was worried that it may have given itself a concussion.

The adrenaline that exploded in his gut at the sudden sound had jacked up his heart rate and made it feel like his chest might explode. He chastised himself for his body’s overreaction to the appearance of a bloody owl. What was he, a coward? Spooked by a fucking owl? His mother’s owl no less, Merlin’s pants. He sighed and rolled his eyes when he realized he was shaking and pointing his wand at the interloper. God, he was embarrassing.

The owl stood there, perched on the window sill looking expectantly at Draco and tapping its beak persistently on the glass. He finally forced his legs to move, trying to shake out the sudden adrenaline in his system and breathing shakily. There was no fucking reason for him to be this worked up about a god damn post delivery, he thought, whipping cold sweat from his forehead.

He opened the window, retrieved the scroll and opened it. Scanning the contents quickly he felt a sudden, second upsurge in the adrenaline in his system. His whole gut felt like a sack of writhing snakes. It was just a polite invite from his mother to come to the manor for tea. He received one every few weeks, this should be no surprise. But with every letter and every invite she offered him to return to his childhood home, he always had to suppress the urge to empty the contents of his stomach.

The Manor. With its lush lawns and manicured flower beds. With its timeless beauty and haunted corridors. Filled with memories and experiences that Draco spent every waking moment trying not to think about. How was he expected to ignore those memories when his mother kept asking him to come and have tea in a room where Greyback and his lackeys had taken turns using him in their perverse weekend reveries. He swallowed down the taste of bile as he remembered sharp nails on his hips, teeth against the nape of his neck, and the smell of blood and sweat.

He leaned against the counter behind him trying to keep himself here and now, in this moment. He nearly yelped with shock when the owl gave a soft hoot, reminding him of it’s presence, clearly waiting for a response to take back to his mother. He shook his head, trying to clear the memories from behind his eyelids and scribbled a rushed apology to his mother. Work he told her. He was too busy to get away, even for tea. He offered to meet her at a cafe near St. Mungos. A muggle cafe, he thought wryly, if she wanted to see him then she could be the uncomfortable one. After the owl had left with his response he quickly ran to his bathroom and promptly vomited up his morning tea.

Stepping into the shower and letting the boiling water scald his skin, he placed his forehead against the cold tiles and let himself sob into the silence of his lonely existence.

____________

 

Charlie Weasley sat across from Draco in his office looking apprehensive.

“You mean to tell that you don’t need to kill them to do this?”

“No.” Draco said. “I think it's barbaric that no one’s come up with an alternative method of obtaining bone marrow from Dragons, when it’s so incredibly valuable to magical medicine, specifically rare blood curses.”

“I agree, and I’m certainly not going to let anyone come and kill off my dragons for a bit of marrow. It’s a disgusting waste.” Charlie said with a hint of challenge in his voice. He certainly was an intimidating bloke. And fit. No he wasn’t, Draco amended in his head, he was not fit, he was a Weasley. Draco groaned internally. What was wrong with him?

“Of course.” Draco ceded. “All we would need to do is stun the Dragon. Then using a muggle extraction technique we would harvest the marrow from their external iliac. It doesn’t injure them, but they may be a bit sore and… testy afterwards.”

“Testy.” Charlie stated, with a lifted eyebrow.

“Testy.” Draco confirmed with a curt nod.

“I guess that’s a decent compromise. You’re on, Malfoy.” Charlie had abruptly stood up and jutted his hand out to shake Draco’s with intense eye contact.

“Excellent.” Draco said, trying to hide his surprise and maintain eye contact, grasping Charlie’s outstretched hand with conviction. He had planned to argue more to get Charlie on his side and agree to use his Dragons in medical experiments.

“So long as you’re the one to come and extract the bone marrow, you have my blessings and help to use my dragons.”

“Thank you Mr. Weasley, I really appreciate your help.” Draco said sincerely as he dropped Charlie’s hand, and finally breaking eye contact. The writhing snakes in his gut hated too much eye contact, no matter how fit the participant.

“Oh god,” Charlie winced, “please never call me that again, I told you, Charlie is fine.” He started towards the door.

“My apologies, Charlie.” Said Draco with the smallest smile and hint of humour as he sat back down.

Charlie exited the office with a salute and his most charming grin. Fuck, Draco was not ready for a charming Weasley.

 

May 09, 2006

Draco walked up the road to his apartment, anxious to get inside. He quickly stepped past the line of boxwood shrubs and nearly ran up the walk, nodding at Newman the doorman in his bright red coat. _Good old Newman, ever the constant_ , he thought as he strode past him. Newman was always there to greet Draco no matter what time of day or night he came or went. Draco wondered absently if Newman ever had time off. He couldn’t think about that now though, he had to get inside before his unsettled magic lit him on fire from the inside.

He let himself into his apartment and closed the door quietly behind him, leaning back against it and letting his head rest on the warm wood as he breathed in the familiar smells of his clean living room.

He was a fucking idiot.

He felt sick to his stomach. His insides were a vacuum of black numbness. He was and always will be the Death Eater, the fuck up son of Lucius Malfoy, the reckless failure. How could he ever think anyone could look past that? How could he have gotten his hopes up for even a fraction of a second?

He had gone to Romania to hold up his end of the Dragon bargain, meeting Charlie at the international portkey office and apparating with him to the Dragon sanctuary. After an intense day of trapping, stunning, collecting samples, and soothing pissed-off dragons, Draco had been exhausted, but pleased with his work. Charlie had insisted on being a good host and taking Draco to dinner to talk more about his research with dragon marrow. Against Draco’s better judgement in the face of an appealing plea from Charlie, he had had a glass of wine and had been feeling distinctly warm and loose. A feeling that made him wary and more nervous than he usually did, but Charlie’s eyes were so gentle and seemed to hold a kind of promise that Draco had never seen before.

So, Draco had allowed himself to get swept up in the experience of being wined and dined. As the night went on, he allowed the ever present knot of dread and nerves in his stomach to soften and slowly unfurl as Charlie found excuses to gently touch Draco’s hand in passing, bump their feet together under the table, and eventually rest his knee against Draco’s and not move it away.

Charlie had been sweet, respectful, kind, and so very interested in Draco’s explanations of his research into blood magic and blood curses. During their long dinner and subsequent stroll back towards the sanctuary, he had gotten incrementally closer to Draco until they were walking so close their shoulders brushed as they made their way up the lane. It was a chilly night and Draco’s breath curled in steamy vapours in front of him as he walked with a feeling of butterflies and apprehension in his chest. Charlie couldn’t be any different from Draco if he tried, with his tatty jeans, dragonhide boots, long chaotic red hair, and piercings, but Draco’s mouth watered looking at his broad shoulders which he was sure he saw a peak of a tattoo under his tight shirt.

Draco hadn’t been intimate with anyone since… well, he didn’t really want to think about that last time. But, he was warming up to the idea that he could do it now with this very attractive, very muscular dragon trainer who has been basically eye fucking Draco all night, while maintaining a very polite distance. Draco appreciated that immensely. Nothing spooked him more than a strong come-on. They came up to the guest house all too soon and Draco’s speech faltered as he tried to finish telling Charlie about how his research could help muggles with their cancer treatments, and turning to see Charlie looking intently at him.

“Do you want to come back to mine for a drink?” Charlie offered as soon as Draco had finished talking, not acknowledging what Draco had said.

Draco’s heart did a somersault and he tried to will himself to be brave. He wanted this, right? Yes, okay he did, but holy fuck was it scary when it was staring right at him. “Sure, I mean, yes, that would be lovely.” He tried, voice a bit scratchier than he anticipated. Charlie’s face broke into a huge grin and he uncrossed his arms from his chest.

“Great.” He said. “This way.” And, he nodded his head to another path and indicated for Draco to follow. Draco followed but had lost his ability to speak. His palms were sweaty and he was wondering if it would be rude to turn around and run. No, he told himself, this man is gorgeous and so fucking nice. He tried to steady his jagged nerves with slow deep breaths and will his feet to keep following Charlie through the wooded path to his cabin. Charlie didn’t seem to mind the sudden lack of conversation. He walked with purpose with his hands stuffed into his pockets, stealing glances at Draco in the moonlight. Draco felt giddy, like a teenager.

Charlie climbed the front steps to his cabin and held the door open for Draco. He walked through the door a took in the charming site of a one room cabin that reminded him of Hagrid’s hut. There was a large four poster bed in the corner with red hangings that immediately drew Draco’s attention and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Fucking Gryffindors. The rest of the large room was filled with a wood fire stove, a plush sofa, and rustic but well-stocked kitchen, and a cabinet of assorted alcohol. It wasn’t what Draco would call messy, but it certainly wasn’t to his exacting standards of organization.

“It’s nice in here, it reminds me of Hagrid.” Draco said without really thinking before speaking and feeling a bit stupid. Why would he bring up Hagrid in a moment like this?

Charlie chuckled. “Yeah I guess you’re right. What can I get you? Wine? Whiskey?”

“I don’t actually drink all that much.” Draco felt it was important to be honest, but blushed all the same. Charlie raised an eyebrow and smiled at the implication that Draco had come back to his place on the pretence of sharing a drink, but didn’t actually intend on drinking.

“Alright.” Charlie said stepping forward. Draco’s mouth went dry and he tried to remember how to breathe. Charlie was still moving towards him and Draco could smell his cologne and fuck he smelled so good. Wrapping his arm around Draco’s waist, Charlie gently pulled him towards his chest and kissed Draco so lightly on the lips that Draco smiled a little at the sweetness. It was an invitation to reciprocate and Draco was deliciously warmed by the tenderness this Dragon trainer was showing him. Draco kissed him back and now it was Charlie’s turn to smile against Draco’s mouth. They stood there kissing and softly running their hands against one another for what felt like an eternity before Charlie grabbed Draco more firmly and pulled them flush together and Draco let out a startled gasp into Charlie’s mouth. He felt dizzy with lust and the profound relief running through him at the physical contact of another human, the novelty of actually wanting someone.

Charlie broke the kiss. “I should light the fire.” He said still smiling. “Come sit.” He lead Draco to the couch and lit a fire in the grate. Turning back to Draco he grabbed his hand and pulled Draco down on top of him as he lay back on the couch. Draco could not believe this was happening. He was laying on top of a Weasley in a front of a fire in a Romanian forest surrounded by Dragons. How was this his life? Their kisses began taking on a more desperate and eager quality and Charlie’s hands were running up Draco’s back beneath his shirt and pressing eager fingertips into his hips. Draco could feel Charlie’s erection straining against his own through their layers of clothing.

“God you’re gorgeous.” Charlie whispered into Draco’s neck as he kissed up and down from his jaw to his collarbone. “I want to see more of you.”

Lost in a haze of lust Draco acquiesced as Charlie sat himself up under Draco and began tugging at his layers. Enthusiastic to join in the fun, Draco grabbed the hem of Charlie’s t-shirt and pulled it over him drinking in the site of lean muscles, tattoos, and burn marks. Charlie finally managed to pull Draco’s last long sleeve shirt off of him to expose his bare chest. As Charlie took in the site of Draco sitting astride his lap, clearly enjoying the view, the hungry look on his face slide into one of sudden shock and then revulsion as his eyes found Draco’s left arm.

They were suddenly very still and Draco felt like he had been doused in freezing water with shards of ice in his lungs. Charlie still hadn’t looked away and Draco, feeling supremely uncomfortable and suddenly disgustingly vulnerable, crossed his arms across his chest hiding his Dark Mark and Sectumsempra scars in one move.

Charlie finally looked up into Draco’s eyes with an unreadable expression and there it was, all of Draco’s mistakes and all the dead people they knew hung in the air between them. It was as if the bodies of the fallen 50 were stacked in the corners of the room, the air thick with tension and death.

Draco moved his leg swiftly over Charlie in an attempt to get up to retrieve his clothes, but Charlie grabbed his wrist. “Draco…” he started and Draco reluctantly looked at him.

“You don’t have to leave.”

“Don’t I?” Draco spat.

“No, I just… forgot.” He said lamely.

“You forgot.” Draco repeated. “You forgot I had the Dark Mark.” Incredulity etched on his face.

“Yeah I just, I don’t know. I got so used to thinking of you as Draco that I forgot you were Malfoy as well.” Charlie said, suddenly having a hard time making eye contact.

Malfoy’s eyebrows were raised up so high he was sure they had disappeared into his hairline.

“Well, sorry to disappoint you.” Draco said coldly.

“Don’t be like that Draco, come here let’s just-“ He tried to drag Draco towards him.

“Just what? Forget? This is who I am Weasley, I can’t change what happened.”

“Maybe if you just…” Charlie started, trying to read what Draco’s reaction might be to the rest of his suggestion, and stealing himself to finish it.

“Just what?” Draco pushed, not sure he wanted to know the answer. Feeling more and more stupid to be shirtless in the lap of someone who could look at him with so much disdain.

“Just cover it up.” He finished softly. Draco stared back, incensed. “Just cover it up and we can keep going. I know a good glamour charm.” He offered, looking hopeful.

Draco could hear the swarm of angry bees getting louder in his ears.

“Fuck you.” Draco said, his voice even. “This is the thanks I get for nearly getting fucked by a Weasley. You’re no better than the blood purists who won’t have my mother to tea after saving Potter’s life.”

He pushed himself forcefully off of Charlie’s lap, grabbed his clothes and his shoes and marched out the front door without even bothering to put them on first. Slamming the door behind him, he shoved his feet in his shoes and began walking and dressing at the same time. _What the literal fuck just happened_ , he thought. What in circe’s saggy left tit did he just put himself through?

Of course, his Dark Mark had been a problem. Of fucking course. _We may as well have been shagging surrounded by the ghosts of his deceased brethren and friends_ , he thought angrily.

He stomped his way down the lane and to the guest cottage. Charlie hadn’t bothered to come after him but he also knew that he would never speak of this indiscretion to anyone as Draco had given him enough shame to earn his silence. He pushed his way into the cottage, warded it so thoroughly it made Azkaban look like a fucking joke and crawled into bed without changing his clothes, tears soaking his pillow.

This was the last time Draco was ever going to try and be naked with someone again, he thought bitterly. What with the disaster of Astoria and now Charlie, pureblood and blood traitors alike, he was fucking done. He rose early that next morning, packed his bag, organized his notes, and disapparated to Bucharest for his international portkey, still furious with himself for thinking he could indulge in a bit of romance. He was snippy and irritable with the customs officials at the portkey office and nearly reduced a small girl to tears, but hey, no one expected anything different from a fucking Malfoy anyways. He may as well live up to his family name.

Now, in his apartment leaning against the door, he felt absolutely overwhelmed by his stupidity and shame. He felt his magic vibrating around him and with a single-minded effort he pushed off the door and walked into his kitchen to boil the kettle. After ensuring his encourage-mint was alive and well, he went through the motions of tea making. At the last of his very strong brew, he sighed trying to shake the tension out of his body. But as he stood there he thought of how gentle Charlie had been before he saw the Dark Mark, and Draco’s control unravelled.

He hurled his mug through the kitchen as hard as he could and watched in silent horror as it exploded against the wall. Choking out a strangled sob he pulled out his wand and cleared away the mess as quickly as he could. His knees feeling weak, he slid down his cupboards and sank onto the floor of his sterile kitchen and wondered if anyone would notice if he laid down to die here. Behind him, he heard his enchanted cloud erupt into a tiny thunderstorm and he let the smell of mint wash over him as it was doused in a vernal rain.


	5. Flashbacks

Chapter Five – Flashbacks  
March 30, 2007

Harry rubbed his thumb across his wand, staring blankly at the cubical divide in front of him. He’d been like this for at least an hour, his magic tingling against his wand beneath his fingers, his mind far away and ruminating. His thoughts were circling around the months they had spent in the Forest of Dean, the fear, the panic, the nights he would spend unable to fall asleep at all, heart racing at every small sound the forest produced. He had carried a horcrux and lived on adrenaline and scavenged mushrooms and he had survived amid the terror. He had fought his heart out, he’d rescued his friends from certain death, he had kept it together. He’d even felt strong under the cloak of fear, sure of himself, sure of his mission and his path – each morning he rose with purpose, he had scrubbed his face clean and gotten dressed knowing exactly what he needed to do. He’d been full of this incredible and unyielding desire to live, to persevere.

And now? Why did he keep reliving these moments? They came to him in nightmares for the first few years, but now, here he was sitting at his desk at work, smelling the wet moss and hearing the small streams of that little glen they had sheltered in as if he was still standing there, his wand held up against the dark as he whispered lumos to the blackness beyond the protective enchantments and began his watch.

He could feel the shimmer of Hermione’s charms ripple against his skin in the cold, see his breath forming tumultuous clouds of steam with each forceful exhale, the adrenaline making him nearly pant, the cold making him shiver. On those night watches, Harry had to focus on every little snapped twig, every whisper the wind threw up between the branches of trees that would hide him just as well as hide his enemies. He could never shake the feeling of being followed, being watched, and it ate at him on those lingering nights, the cold seeping in to his bones beneath his threadbare clothes.

Harry’s magic pulsed with alarm as Ron stood up quickly, knocking the cubicle wall as he stood and turned, likely to hand in the paperwork they had been working on. Harry shoved down the panic that had risen, ripping him from his memory of the forest to stare at the fire that had erupted in his empty coffee mug, thought, to be fair, it was often more whiskey than coffee these days. He doused it with a quick Aguamenti, and swallowed hard, staring at the cup. He had started a fire. Accidentally. His magic buzzed around him, defensively.

His magic had erupted uncontrolled before – usually in moments of rage or profound grief he’d notice something had broken – but this was the first time he had started a fire. He felt another slow, building wave of panic as he realized that this was a decidedly bad sign. He was slipping. He felt unsafe.

Harry shoved his pockets in his jeans and stomped his way down Shaftesbury avenue. He should have been cold, with just a sweater pushed up past his elbows and t-shirt underneath, but flames of jealousy licked and curled their way around inside his chest. He hated how angry he was, how hurt. He hated it as he hated himself, blindly. Why couldn’t he be happy for them? His two best friends in the whole world, his family, were expecting.

Hermione and Ron had invited him over to the house for Sunday dinner with a whole speech planned and everything. They’d nervously fussed and Hermione had finally come out with it, that she was now in her second trimester and she could start telling people and they’d wanted to tell Harry first. He shouldn’t’ve been so surprised, really, something in the back of his mind told him they’d been trying for months to conceive, and he had always known this day would come – so, why did it bother him so much? He had schooled his face into a huge grin and hugged them both. He knew they would make excellent parents, their child would be loved and spoiled and would have the best the muggle and wizarding world could offer them.

They had asked Harry to be godfather. He knew he should be happy, it was an honour for them to ask and they had been so sweet and considerate. But what did he really know about kids, he certainly wasn’t responsible enough or capable of raising a child if Ron and Hermione died – Remus and Tonks had trusted him with Teddy and, yet, Andromeda had stepped in and Harry hardly featured in the little boy’s life anymore. He knew it would be the same with Ron and Hermione’s child, he’d be pushed aside for Molly and Arthur and Bill and Fleur and for fuck’s sake even Percy would be a better godparent than he could ever be.

Harry sucked in a breath as he thought of his own godfather, of Sirius – of the hope that had risen in him that this man could be a father to him, be his family. How crushed he had been when he died – what if Harry died? What if he did the same thing to these poor children who were relying on him to be their source of love and care in this whole wide bitter world. Harry shook his head and concentrated on his footfalls.

He had told Ron and Hermione he was meeting up with Seamus and Dean at the pub around the corner to catch up, and had warned them not to wait up for him, heaping congratulations and back slaps and hugs on them all the way from the dining room to the door, but he’d apparated right into muggle London as soon as he had gotten far enough down the road to evade suspicion. He wanted to be alone.

He turned a corner when he recognized the seedy porn shop across the way and went halfway down the block, just far enough away from the lights and busy shops, and ducked into a dingy, derelict establishment.

The Gallows was marked only by a soot-covered row of blocky red letters against the grimy brick, painted white many years ago, a small doorway in a recess to the right. Harry had stumbled upon his new haunt a few years back, when he used to take his mind off of things by walking around muggle London, often late into the night, finding solace in his anonymity. He had originally fretted about being recognized and constantly updated his glamour charms, but after enough time had passed, the press no longer obsessed about his every move, and he hardly had anyone notice him. Perhaps it was his sunken eyes and sallow cheeks, the years of stress and loneliness wearing him down, trading his boyish physique for a sinewy, strained body of an Auror, the countenance of a man with too many memories for his years.

The bar was as it always was. Empty save a few regular patrons, either hunched over at the sloping and splintered bar or nursing their drink in the shadowy booths along the wall, the back being taken up by a disgusting pair of toilets, used more for nefarious activities than relieving oneself. Harry had never spoken to any of the other patrons, preferring to seat himself two thirds of the way down the bar, comfortably distant from the elderly mumbling gentleman at the front stool and the three snickering women taking up a booth in the back. He came for the drinks and the solitude, and that’s what he got.

Nodding at the barman, who’s name he didn’t even know, Harry received his regular fare down in front of him. A double of Jameson, chosen because it was the first bottle that caught his eye when he walked in that first night. He had found he liked it, so he never bothered to try anything else. He tossed it back easily, sighing and listening to the soft crooning that came across the half broken radio behind the bar. The barman stood off to the side, wiping glasses with the same dirty rag he was always carrying about. Harry liked that he never tried to make conversation. Maybe he knew this was the kind of place people came when they wanted to drown their thoughts, not voice them. Harry motioned for a refill and swallowed another.

“I’ve seen you here before.” A voice next to his ear was accompanied with a soft hand sliding around his waist. Harry tensed, throwing a glance over his shoulder. One of the women from the booth at the back had walked up to him, and was smiling deviously, batting her eyelashes, popping her hip out and dragging her fingers along his back, slow and single-minded – her intentions were obvious, and Harry simply grunted in acknowledgement. He didn’t feel the need to explain himself to her.

She was pretty enough – short blonde hair framing her pale, slightly sharp face. She had gold hoop earrings and bright red lipstick, her mascara thick under winged eyeliner. “You look like you could use some company” she murmured, breaking the silence as Harry drank in her features.

He nodded slowly, reaching in his pocket to pull out the muggle money he could lay on the counter for his drinks. The barman snorted a laugh, not looking up from his diligent cleaning of the same glass tumbler. She took his hand and lead him outside and down an alleyway, stopping just behind a trash bin. Harry hardly noticed the less-than-luxurious setting, as his eyes were glued to her round ass, shifting enticingly with each step beneath a gold glittering miniskirt. 

She turned and caught him staring, laughing quietly and reaching up to cup his face as she leaned in to kiss him, her familiarity and ease in the gesture catching him off guard. Her lips were soft, and her tongue slid against his as they kissed, his hands reaching down to appreciate the cleft of her ample ass. He groaned and pushed up back up against the wall, his head spinning as she slid her hands between them, deftly unbuttoning his jeans.

Harry dropped his head and looked down at what she was doing, rivulets of fear breaking through the fog of whiskey.

“I need… something more…“ Harry stumbled over his words, an idea sticking to the roof of his mouth. 

“Oh!” she laughed, reaching in to her top, slipping a little fold of plastic out of her bra. “I’ve got just the thing, babe, don’t you worry. I was hoping you’d say something; I could use some myself.”

Harry stared as she tapped out the contents of the plastic baggie onto her hand, her palm to her chest, loading the depression just beyond the base of her thumb. She brought it up to her nose and snorted greedily. Her smile big and bright, she tapped out a second hefty helping of the white powder and offered it to Harry.

He copied her, plugging one nostril and inhaling as hard as he could with the other pressed up against the strange white powder she had so graciously offered him. Before he had time to assimilate the strange burning sensation and then very unusual numbing of his nose and throat, she had refocused her attentions on his cock.

She knelt, pulling his jeans and pants down with her, brazenly grabbing and stroking his cock with one hand and fondling his heavy balls with the other. Harry felt himself getting hard just as he felt his heart start to pound, his ears filling with the sound of his blood rushing with each frantic beat. The volume of his thoughts increased, as did the speed at which they careened around his skull. He swallowed repeatedly against the strange numbness of his throat. Was he drooling? Was he panicking? Was he okay? Was his heart supposed to be doing this? He didn’t know, and he was too overwhelmed to ask.

He looked down and was greeted by the sight of a blonde head bobbing up and down along the length of his erection. His cock twitched and his balls ached. He felt like he was reliving a teenage fantasy. He could feel himself getting close as he ran his hand through the short blonde hair. It felt so good. So right.

She looked up at him with glassy eyes and her smudged lipstick and he felt himself falter. No, he liked it better when she couldn’t see him and he couldn’t see her – he didn’t want too much reality intruding on his fantasy – the fact that he was letting a complete stranger, high off her tits on cocaine, suck him off in an alley behind a dumpster. Fuck, he didn’t even know her name… Not that he wanted to, really. No, he couldn’t think about that too much or he’d go soft and it would be yet another failed attempt at fucking for his resume.

His stomach clenched and he reached down to interrupt her ministrations, turning her to face the wall while he continued to stroke his cock, willing himself to stay hard. he flipped up her miniskirt and found her without any underclothes, his thoughts racing as he trailed his free hand down the curve of her ass, grabbing a handful and pulling her cheeks apart. He felt hypnotized, and the blood surged back to his cock, fears of his faltering pushed aside by a desperate need to fuck.

It was several seconds before Harry realized she was saying something, reaching back into her bra and tearing something between her teeth. She handed him the open condom and he slipped it down around his now aching hardness before letting her lean down and grasp him, guiding him to her waiting ingress. Harry leaned forward, following her prompting. He felt his cock slip into her, and he groaned, his hands trembling.

His heart felt like it might explode and his chest hurt, but he was fucking her. He was moving in and out, snapping his hips, gasping each time he buried into her. He was fucking her and he was staying hard.

He leaned his head down, his nose against her ear, nestled in her platinum hair. His thoughts raced, first about how ridiculous this was, then about how he had needed this, needed it for years, hell, this is what he was supposed to be doing while he was busy fighting off Voldemort, being a sex-crazed teenager. His days at Hogwarts could have been spent buried deep between the legs of his crush, learning how to be intimate with someone, instead of constantly afraid, building up his walls, trying to learn occlumency, for fuck’s sake. He wanted openness. He wanted someone to know how he was feeling. To be able to look at him and notice how much he hurt, how scared he was. He spiralled, his mind flooding with images of his first awkward kiss with Ginny, his ridiculous attempt at dating Cho, his mornings spent staring across the great hall, seeking out his nemesis. Malfoy.

Harry’s memories blurred together and reformed into that fateful day he swung open the door to the girl’s bathroom and caught Malfoy crying. How soft he had seemed. How vulnerable. How Harry’s first instinct had been of empathy, of a desire to reach out, to comfort before he had looked up in the mirror and caught him standing there. Harry’s mind held the scene a moment, the honesty. He thought of Malfoy’s soft hands on the edge of the sink, the graceful line of his shoulders, bent with the weight of the same world that had been haunting Harry.

Harry felt his balls draw up and the warmth of his orgasm spread across his body, up his spine, a pleasant humming vibration that soothed the raw parts of his soul, his head still full of thoughts of Malfoy.

His cock softened and Harry pulled off the condom, tossing it in the dumpster. He suddenly felt flushed, embarrassed, and overwhelmingly confused. Why had he thought of Malfoy? His hands continued to shake as he redressed, his thoughts feeling as though they were screaming in his ears. He looked up at the smug look and raised eyebrow of the woman he had just fucked, unsure what to do, what to say. He panicked and backed away. Stuttering a quick “thanks” before turning and walking out the alley and back down the street, getting only a few meters beyond the bar before breaking into a run.

It was several blocks before he realized she had taken his wallet.

 

Harry was running flat out in a full sprint, his eyes wide, his breath frantic. He couldn’t escape the thoughts. The bewilderment. What had he done? He had tried to apparate away as soon as he’d found another empty alleyway, but his magic wouldn’t respond. The air he needed to move through wasn’t there, and he had spun on the spot just to stumble and nearly fall into a pile of trash bags. Whatever she had given him had stolen his magic. For the second time that night, he panicked.

Luckily, in the nights he had spent walking London, he had learned a few things about the layout of the massive city. He knew that if he kept on down Adderley street, he’d eventually hit the abandoned storefront that hid St. Mungo’s, and from there he could find his way back to Grimmauld Place for the night. It may take an hour, but he would be safe there, he thought.

He tried to focus on deep, even breaths as he ran up the quiet street, one block east of St. Mungo’s, his hand dragging along the perfectly manicured boxwood bushes that lined the avenue. He only saw one other person between there and Grimmauld Place, a lone doorman in a bright red jacket, who nodded and smiled at him knowingly as he ran past. Harry filled with dread as he realized this man probably recognized him – famous Harry Potter running wildly through London at 3 in the morning, looking like death incarnate. A block later, turning left on another broad boulevard, Harry realized it didn’t really matter anyway – he had no magic, no way to use glamour or confund or obliviate anyone he came across.

He ran straight up the overgrown walk to the sloping stoop of the house Sirius had left him, former headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. The townhouse had fallen into a more serious disrepair over the last few years, Harry having sent Kreacher to stay at Hogwarts after the battle, help with reconstruction and live out his days in the company of those he had rallied to fight against the Dark Lord. An unsettling aura leaked from the cracked, dusty windows and the foundation groaned in the last of the winter winds that whipped around the deserted street.

A sinister tremor reverberated through Harry, courtesy of the house’s antique wards, awakening as his hand rested on the front door. His fingers traced the ornamentation carved deep into the ironwood, smoothed with time yet still razor sharp with spells of the Black forefathers, a forest scene. He watched the wood awaken to him, thestrals pawing the ground, their heads held high, nostrils flaring in anxiety. The hawthorn and blackthorn trees rustled as the charmed beings unfurled their colossal wings, beating them fretfully, as if in preparation to take flight. Beneath the trees, tangled within the roots, toujours pur was barely legible. 

Harry rested his palm flat against one of the heavy brass knockers, a twisting berg adder that squirmed beneath his hand. He felt the layers of magic of the pureblood relic, thrumming with an unrepentant animosity – they knew, as he did, that he didn’t really belong. The snake hissed softly, but without his magic, he wasn’t sure what it had said.

“I am the owner of this ancient and most noble house of Black, entrusted to me by it’s former master, my godfather, Sirius Black” Harry intoned, his head low, aware of how much stronger the magic of the house seemed, how much more alive. “Let me in” he finished, his voice hiding the quavering of his thoughts.

He was washed in warm relief as the wards shimmered and the lock clicked, the door swinging open to him. The thestrals shook their heads, silken manes the last to ripple with the house’s magic before the door swung shut behind him and all went still again. Harry stood, motionless in the familiar entry hall, taking deep breaths, willing himself to remain calm. To not think of the last time. Of the days before they started camping, the days before the heaviness of the horcrux they carried. It had been hard even then, in the terrible old house. It had been filled with uncertainty, of fear.

The house of Black was dead – the only ones of their name, Regulus and Sirius, both succumbed to a bitter, unjust end. An end with no rest for their souls, no plot of their own to lay buried and mourned by their loved ones, few though they may be. No place to be at peace. In its own way, Harry thought, this house had become a mausoleum to the two brothers, the only place left to remember them, the only place their magic still lingered.

The house reeked of dark magic, a scent so similar to the metallic aroma of blood that Harry placed it easily, instantly, the coppery odour sticking to his palate, as if he had just developed a nosebleed. Any trace that the Order had met here, worked here, even that they had attempted to clean, was gone, and the dust lay thick across everything Harry could see illuminated in the single dim light of the entryway. Harry took a tentative step forward, his foot landing silently amid a little cloud of dust. He sighed as another of the old light fixtures on the wall sparked to life, casting a second sphere of the dim, yellow glow. It seemed the house was doing as little as possible, as slowly as possible for it’s new master.

Harry pushed his shoulders down and walked ahead into the dark where he knew he’d find the staircase, the lights popping in and out of order as he made his way up to the third floor, to Sirius’s old room. He needed the comfort of something familiar. He needed to feel less alone. Somehow, in his addled state, his dead godfather’s bedroom was the answer to how helpless he felt.

“Sirius” he choked, as the door to his godfather’s bedroom swung open, the room a mess of hippogriff feathers and tattered bed linens. But he could feel his presence throughout the room still, as if he’d just left that morning. His clothes were still piled haphazardly in a corner, a book he must have been in the middle of reading had fallen by the bedside and never been picked up. Harry moved toward it, leaned down to grasp the old binding and brushed the layer of dust off the cover.

Homeward Bound was spelled out in an ornate gold across the dark green canvas covering. Harry felt his heart ache – he imagined Sirius’s wry smile and jaunty confidence, his moments of kindness and bravery. He had wanted a home with Harry to live out his life, to enjoy the sunshine and sing and be nothing but carefree. Harry held back a sob. It was his fault he was dead. It was his fault.

“I’m sorry Sirius. I’m so sorry.” he shook his head as the tears fell from his cheeks and splashed across the book, still in his hands. He let the guilt wash over him, his shoulders shaking, his anger finally dissolving. He cried for his role in Sirius’s death and what had become of Harry’s life. What had he even done with the freedom he had fought so hard for? He was here, and Sirius wasn’t. He was here and he could be singing in the shower and laughing at the constellations and playing pick-up Quidditch in the lazy afternoons with the friends he still had living. But he wasn’t. Because guilt and misery and all of his failures sat so heavy on top of his shoulders, and all the memories nipped viciously at his heels as he walked and then they whispered terrors in his ears while he ran, until he was so exhausted all he could do was let them catch him and pull him down. And like the ravenous hands of the inferi, thoughts of all those who had died with him, for him, curled around his softest parts and dragged him deep beneath the depths of his own consciousness.

He felt raw. Ashamed. Vulnerable. Harry gathered himself together and climbed onto the four poster bed with it’s ripped and ragged blankets, not even bothering to pull them back. He curled up with his head against a dusty pillow, still clutching the book against his chest. He thought about all of the events of the evening, all of the twists and turns that had brought him back here to seek the one person who may not have judged him for the mistakes he had made. Sirius would have clapped him on the back and laughed a deep, hearty laugh, with his head thrown back and his long hair waving wildly. He would’ve told Harry some even more over the top nonsense that he and James had gotten into, and he would’ve told him everything would turn out okay. And he would’ve meant it. 

Even in those terrible days he had been forced to be sequestered, alone and locked back up in a house he hated, Sirius had remained strong, stoic, patient - true to his lion’s nature. He had been waiting to start living his own life again. To be free. 

Harry sighed, squeezing his eyes shut against the threat of another deluge of tears. “I’m sorry you never had anyone to love either, Sirius. I’m sorry you never had someone love you. It’s hard to be alone. I know that.”

He slept fitfully, tossing and turning and occasionally shouting out in his sleep, a voice that echoed around the still and silent house. Just after dawn, Harry knocked the book from the bed. Had he been awake, he may have noticed the little piece of parchment that fluttered out from between the pages and slipped beneath the wooden frame of the four poster bed.

_To the only star worth noticing in our night’s sky,_

__

_I saw this today while browsing our local muggle bookshop and thought of you. A story about love, devotion, perseverance and friendship? And the two main characters are dogs? It seemed just sappy enough for you to secretly enjoy. Just as I secretly enjoy you._

__

____

_I miss you terribly, Sirius. It’ll be several weeks before I can get away again, but I promise to come as soon as I can – I’ve spent too many years separated from you, and it is wearing on me. I feel compelled to start telling people of our plans tonight, even, the war be damned. Maybe that’s what I will howl to the moon– an epic declaration of love for one Sirius Orion Black, master of my heart, the man I want to make my husband – let all the forest hear me._

_____ _

______ _ _

_I know we can’t, Sirius, I know. Just let this man be madly in love with you on parchment, if not out loud. I saw you wearing our rings at the last meeting, and that is declaration enough for me. It’s enough to have kept me smiling all week._

_______ _ _ _

__

_______ _ _ _

_Yours, since the day we kissed under the Blackthorn behind the greenhouses and got caught by Professor Sprout, but you managed to let out a yell, punch me in the shoulder and tried to convince her we’d just tripped and landed up like that, half undressed and blushing from head to toe,  
\- RJL_

_______ _ _ _

 

_______ _ _ _

Harry slept another hour before snapping back into consciousness, whatever dream he had been having slipping right back down to the depths from whence it came. His eyes fluttered open to the sight of Sirius’s chaotic bedroom. He huffed a feather from under his nose and scrambled up, staring around in shock at the hell hole of a place he had managed to fall asleep in before desperately feeling his jeans pockets for his wand. His fingers closed around the holly gratefully, and he felt the quiet hum beneath his fingers once again. 

_______ _ _ _

Hopeful, he cast a scourgify at the bed – A layer of dust and some of the less putrid looking stains lifted from the blankets and the sheets straightened themselves out, if only slightly. Harry sighed, mostly in relief. He didn’t want to think about the repercussions of losing his magic… forever, even if he realized it had been sort of nice to sleep without the wild, pulsing, trembling forces that swirled around him – he hadn’t been worried about setting anything on fire in his sleep, at least.

_______ _ _ _

The house’s magic seemed to have settled in the daylight as well, with less animosity creeping around every corner – though Harry still smelled the coppery hue of blood, it was less as though someone had exsanguinated in front of him and more akin to having bitten his tongue unexpectedly. Harry thought maybe he should’ve been a bit more afraid of the place, being full of unruly dark magic and whatnot, but he couldn’t really bring himself to reject the house. It was as close as he could feel to home? Dark magic may be nasty, but Harry felt a strange comfort in the nastiness. It was what he was used to, anyway.

_______ _ _ _

Harry scrubbed his face in his hands and looked down at himself, considering the disgusting clothes he had spent the night in. He eyed the pile of Sirius’s old wardrobe in the corner and plucked a t-shirt and jeans from somewhere in the middle. It would have to do – he had to go into the office this morning, and though he rarely cared about how he looked, he at least didn’t want to appear to have spent the night in a hippogriff cave.

_______ _ _ _

Harry shucked off his clothes and threw on the ones he had found – the black jeans were nice and snug, with artful tears in the knees and tapered close over his calves and ankles. He realized they must have been a pair Sirius purchased soon after his escape from Azkaban, when he was nothing but a shell of man held together on a pile of bones. 

_______ _ _ _

Harry liked the idea that he’d gone out shopping for himself, getting excited over some rocker skinny jeans he could look suave in while he rode his motorcycle around – he had probably flirted mercilessly with the shop girl, too. Harry snorted and imagined there must be a leather jacket and boots around here somewhere. He pulled what he thought was a plain black t-shirt down over his head, smiling to himself, missing his godfather but treasuring the moment he could feel close to him again.

_______ _ _ _

Harry was out the door in the boots he’d found near the front entrance and an old black leather jacket Sirius must have had or bought second hand, the leather inescapably soft and comfortable as he slipped it on, his nose filling with the familiar smell of his godfather – like orange blossoms and cigar smoke and dragon hide – a smell that made Harry feel, if just for a moment, the immense love of Sirius and the unapologetic way he had taken on the world.

_______ _ _ _

He strode out of the house, the wards bending smoothly beneath his request to leave, and walked up the street on his way to work. If he had looked more closely, he would’ve caught the fact that his supposedly plain black t-shirt was actually emblazoned with a since faded insignia. A dragon, guarding over a royal crown, two lions, reared up on their back legs, flanking each side. Below that, QUEEN stood out in red lettering.

_______ _ _ _


	6. Boundaries

Chapter Six – Boundaries  
March 30, 2007

The sun was weak in the sky and the warmth of it’s rays were lost in the biting wind that snaked its way into the folds of Draco’s traveling cloak. He shivered against the cool air, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck. He tried to close himself off from the chill as he marched dutifully down the gravel lane towards the familiar cast iron gates, counting his steps, and trying not to think too hard about where his legs were taking him.

When he reached the gates he stopped. He knew he didn’t need to stop, its not as if someone needed to let him in. He knew if he kept walking the gates would melt around him and welcome him, the heir, into the sprawling expanse. He took a deep breath. The smell of moss, moist earth, and decaying wood from the nearby copse of trees was carried to him on the cold breeze. He saw hyacinths pushing up through the otherwise barren flower beds and wondered how this place could look so… Draco struggled to find the words to describe it, it was grand, it was stately, and unabashedly grandiose. Yet, it looked so innocuous, even after everything that had happened. Draco always anticipated to see evidence of the horrors that were hidden here and to feel the shimmer of dark magic that had once coated the grounds. It’s not as if he hadn’t been back here since the war, it's just that it became harder to come back with every passing day, with every subsequent visit. He couldn’t fathom how his mother lived here day in and day out with the ghosts of the past and constant reminders of war and carnage.

Just inside the grounds was a beautiful oak tree he use to climb as a child. He had loved these grounds. Loved the freedom to run and play like any carefree child should. But now, looking at that tree, all he saw were the victims of a muggle hunt hung by their wrists from its branches, their limp bodies swaying in the wind. No matter where he looked in these god forsaken grounds, he saw a memory of the war superimposed over the scene. There were no more peacocks. They had been used as target practice and mother could bear the thought of getting more. Of all the things she couldn’t bear the thought of, replacing the peacocks ranked high on her list. He groaned internally.

In and out, he thought. We go in, we drink tea, we placate mother, and we leave. Quick. Simple. And go. He had a duty to his mother he knew, and that's why he was here, torturing himself. But holy fuck he did not want to be here. It took nearly 2 hours of pacing that morning to gain the momentum needed to carry him this far. He had thrown up twice, touched and watered his encourage-mint a half a dozen times, and drank 3 cups of very strong tea. And now he was here. He was here and he was ready to move through the motions of formal tea in the drawing room with his mother and be talked at about how she was waiting for grandchildren.

He reached out his hands towards the wards and felt the magic thrum in recognition. The sensation should have made him feel welcomed but all he felt was a kind of coldness that had nothing to do with the weather. Stealing himself for another second he inhaled deeply and on the exhale stepped forward through the gate and began counting his methodical steps towards the house. His mother greeted him on the front steps with a warm smile and a kiss to his cheek.

“I was beginning to worry you weren’t coming.” She simpered, taking Draco’s offered arm and turning to walk through the front doors with her son at her side.

Draco smiled stiffly and inclined his head. “The hospital has me running laps, we’re so very understaffed in the department. How are you mother?”

“Well.” She stated. She had aged remarkably well, thought Draco. Only her thin wrinkled hands, giving away her age as she clutched to his forearm as though she feared he may disapparate at any moment. Draco certainly considered it. “It’s so lovely today I thought we could stroll through the back gardens, and you can see the work I’ve done on the flower beds.”

Draco felt himself sag in relief at the thought of postponing the inevitability of the drawing room. He use to love the back tulip gardens and acquiesced to her suggestion gratefully. They chatted and strolled slowly through the corridors towards the south entrance. Halfway through the expanse of corridors his mother changed direction suddenly and pulled him towards the east wing.

Draco felt a prickle of fear and apprehension. “Aren’t we going to the tulip garden mother?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady. Surely they weren’t going to the rose garden? That couldn’t have been what his mother meant when she had said back gardens, right? She knew Draco didn’t go to the rose garden.

“No darling, it’s the rose garden I meant to show you, I’ve done some lovely work to change the space, it’s really -“

“No.” He said, cutting her off. “No, mother.” His eyes were wide.

“Draco, its been years since you’ve seen it, come and spend time with your mother.” She said with reproach.

Draco felt shaky suddenly. He had not anticipated his mother would be so dense in this regard and just forget that that was one of the places in this hell hole that he just didn’t go.

It had been during a Death Eaters meeting before he took the mark that he had decided to hide himself away in the rose garden amongst the large old roses bushes with its dozens of colours blooming large and heavy with that beautiful floral smell he had loved as a child. He took solace in their protective thorns. He use to hide here when he felt overwhelmed, when he needed a reprieve and comfort. It was a soothing place to try and think. But the comfort he sought from that garden had been taken from him when Rudolfus Le Strange had found him hidden from view of the house on a marble bench, reading one of his mother’s romance novels.

Lestrange had jeered at the book in Draco’s lap and asked Draco if his daddy knew he was a poof that read smutty romance novels. Draco had summoned every bit of spoiled, self-assured teenage confidence he could to stand up and try to push past Lestrange in an effort to leave his discomforting presence. He didn’t like how Lestrange looked at him, how he licked his lips and clenched his fists, or his conspicuous absence from the meeting in the house. But as Draco tried to rush by Lestrange he had grabbed Draco’s bicep with biting fingers. Draco tried to yell his fury and indignation at Lestrange but his open mouth was violated by a greedy tongue as his hair was pulled back painfully. He had been filled with rage and panic as he tried to punch and kick the Death Eater off of him, but he had only been a skinny 16 years old. It didn’t take much effort on Lestrange’s part to drag him deeper into the rose garden.

The summer before his 6th year had been full of shocking revelations, one of which was that he would never be safe in his childhood home again. The afternoon in the rose garden had ended in blood, his blood, dripping on the white marble flagstones. That night Draco learned his first healing charm, and it wasn’t the last time he would have to use it.

Draco didn’t hear what his mother yelled after him as he walked away from her back towards the entrance hall. The angry bees filled his ears and he tasted bile as he stepped out the front door and turned into the crushing darkness, the wards opening up to him in his haste to escape, as he was pulled away from the Manor.

The gleaming white surfaces of Draco’s kitchen shone with the glint of his obsessive scrubbing. He had tossed his wand aside in favour of muggle cleaning methods. The sponge was a wonderful invention, he thought passively. He pushed his short fringe off of his forehead with the back of his hand before resuming his attack on the perceived griminess of his countertops. He knew he was being ridiculous, he really did, but he was afraid that if he put his sponge down he would have to think about how he had left his mother standing in the corridor gaping at him like an indignant trout.

 _Serves her fucking right_ , he seethed.

His shirt stuck to his sweaty back and his white knuckles were rubbed raw as he scrubbed, and scrubbed every last inch of his kitchen. It would never be clean enough, and after his 4th pass on the tiling grout, he finally relinquished his sponge. After cleaning his bucket out and replacing all the cleaning items to their rightful homes he gently lifted his encourage-mint from the window sill and sat on the floor with it in his lap to run his usual diagnostic charms on its cloud. Satisfied that his cloud was functioning as it should he let his fingers brush softly over the itty bitty leafy tendrils, and in response to his ever-so hesitant touch, the plant released the minty fragrance that so soothed Draco’s ragged nerves.

Letting out a shaky breath he looked around his bleak kitchen and up at the fridge. There was a Christmas card from Pansy and Blaise, the menu to his favourite curry place, and his last letter from Neville. Pansy and Blaise fucked off to France immediately after the battle, and over the years their correspondence with Draco became less and less until it was only the mutest exchange of perfunctory holiday cards.

Neville though, Draco thought, Neville had always encouraged Draco to reach out if he had free time or needed someone to talk to. Draco felt he didn’t deserve the Gryffindor’s kindness, but ever since Neville had seen Draco’s humanness in the french greenhouse, he made an effort to keep in touch and offer words of comfort and solidarity when Draco needed them.

“Fine.” Draco sighed into the silent and empty kitchen. “Fine.” He didn’t have an owl but decided this was worth the effort of getting to a wizarding post office before they closed. He marched over to his desk, after replacing his encourage-mint on its sill, and scribbled a hasty note before he could berate himself for his moment of weakness.

 

_Neville,_

_It’s been an age. Are you free this evening? Would love to chat about the last issue of Herbology Today._

_-Draco_

 

After apparating to the post office and sending off his note, he went back home and paced a few dozen laps around his apartment. He decided that if Neville didn’t respond or couldn’t make it out tonight that he would go to work and pick up an extra shift. He just couldn’t stand the thought of pacing for another six hours or re-cleaning his kitchen all night. He was startled from his obsessive pacing when an owl tapped on his balcony window. Flinging himself across the room he yanked the window open and nearly cried with relief when he read Neville’s response.

 

_Draco,_

_I’d love to chat about the abomination of this last issue, how did you know I would need to debrief my many feelings about lovage and its use in memory potions? Let’s make it 7, but you choose, anywhere I can get an ale._

_\- Neville_

 

Draco scribbled the affirmative and chose a bar within walking distance from his apartment, the Green Lion. After seeing the owl off, he glanced at his watch, he had two hours to kill and decided to tackle his bathroom.

_________________

 

Draco resisted the urge to squirm in his seat, squirming was unbefitting of a Malfoy. Instead, he tapped his fingers on the table, stealing himself before looking up into Neville’s eager face. The bar they were situated in was Muggle and the smell of ale and cigarettes floated around him like a warm blanket. His cranberry juice was dripping condensation onto its coaster and he wondered vaguely why he kept choosing bars to meet up with his friend. Neville always bought Draco his cranberry juice without comment and drank ale, never whiskey, while they talked of potions, life, and magical theory, but never Draco’s love life. Until now, apparently.

“I don’t want to talk about my nonexistent love life anymore, Longbottom.” Draco deadpanned.

“C’mon Draco,” he intoned, “it was a nice gesture and maybe you should give it a go.”

Draco finally looked up into Nevill’s open smile, with raised eyebrows. “Give it a go?” he asked incredulously.

Neville snorted into his beer. “The bloke sent you a drink and winked at you, ergo, give it a go.”

“Malfoys don’t give strange men at bars a go.”

“You can hardly infer that he’s strange at this point in time.”

“Can’t I?” Draco asked redundantly. His control broke and he sagged backed into the vinyl booth, rubbing his face. Sighing he said, “I wouldn’t even know what to talk about with him, honestly.”

“How do you normally start conversations with men at the bar?” Neville teased, he was really poking the dragon.

Draco dropped his eyes to the proffered alcoholic beverage at the end of the table. It had been nearly 5 minutes and he had no intentions of touching it. He could feel the sender at the bar starting into the side of his head, clearly waiting for Draco to accept his offering.

“I don’t.” Draco said defiantly, looking back at Neville.

Neville’s smile faltered a bit, “Where do you normally pick up blokes then?” Draco’s silence and angry stare were enough of an answer for Neville.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed.” Neville had the decency to look sheepish.

“It’s fine. Dating opportunities are just a bit slim on the ground for ex Death Eaters and I would have no fucking clue where to start with a muggle. But, it's fine, I’m too busy with work anyways.” Draco hoped he didn’t sound too petulant and defensive, frowning and crossing his arms. “Why aren’t we talking about your love life instead, you’re a war hero for god’s sake, shouldn't you be swimming in admirers?”

Neville looked uncomfortable and seemed to be weighing his words. “It’s hard… for someone… like me.”

Draco furrowed his brow in confusion. “Gryffindor?”

Neville laughed, some of his tension bleeding from his shoulders. “No you plonker.” He retorted. “I mean…” There was a long pause as Neville struggled with his words.

“Longbottom, I’m gay, whatever you’re trying to say shouldn’t be this difficult, unless you have some rare fetish no one can satisfy.” Draco said with mock impatience, trying to project his usual cold indifference.

“God, you’re charming.” Neville replied. When all Draco did was respond with a raised eyebrow, Neville sagged and finally clarified, “I’m asexual.” He wouldn’t meet Draco’s eye.

“I’m not sure I know what that means.” Draco said honestly.

“It means… It means I like romance. I like being close to someone. But sex just isn’t… it’s not really for me.”

“You don’t like sex.” Draco tried to clarify.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, it's that I want it so much less than your average person. So, whenever I try dating, the other person wants more than I can give them. No one is content with nonsexual intimacy, apparently, except me.” He was blushing and Draco felt a surge of affection for this awkward man that bought him cranberry juice at bars.

“I see.” Draco really did see. He felt he could empathize. Maybe he was asexual too? Well, he supposed there was a difference in not wanting sex and not being able to get any. No, he wasn’t asexual, if his daydreams and want fantasies were anything to go by. “I guess we’re doomed to loneliness then.” Draco surmised with an empathetic smile.

“I guess so.” Neville shrugged. “I didn’t know I was asexual until I started seeing a mindhealer. Luna recommended her to me. I thought I was going mad or that something was wrong with me and I would talk to Luna about it. She helped me see that there's nothing wrong with not wanting a sexual relationship. There are different kinds of intimacy.”

Draco just nodded. He was starting to feel uncomfortable. The word intimacy stuck to the inside of his head and his internal boggart started to take form. He made such an effort to appear cool and collected, but something about Neville’s admission broke through Draco’s walls and he found he had been shredding a napkin on the table without even realizing. Chastising himself for his hiccup in composure, he quickly swept the napkin bits on the floor before realizing Neville was watching him curiously.

“You know, Draco,” Neville began, hesitating, “have you ever thought about seeing a mind healer?”

Draco’s shoulders stiffened quite without his permission. “No.” he said quietly, averting his eyes.

“Mate, we lived through some shit during the war, and honestly it’s really disturbing we didn’t have post-war counselling in our last year at Hogwarts. I mean, that’s how Luna got into her substance abuse counselling, because there was nothing for the traumatized masses of the wizarding world.” Draco just looked at him with an unreadable expression.

“I know you’re a self-deprecating bastard, but think about it. You’re about as tightly wound as Filch on a Peeves hunt, and thin as a bowtruckle.”

“Are you trying to help me or insult me?” Draco said, feeling very nettled in the spotlight of scrutiny.

“Don’t be like that.” Neville berated with an affectionate smile. “Here.” He pulled from his wallet a small piece of cardstock and slid it across the table towards Draco. “Just think about it.”

Draco accepted defeat. Nodding, he sighed and slide the card into his pocket. Thankfully, Neville finally changed the subject. Draco was still acutely aware of the man at the bar that seemed to be holding out hope that Draco would change his mind and saunter over for a chat, but he held firm that he and romance didn’t mix, and continued to talk to Neville about his plans for the next phase of his research, without giving the other man so much as a sideways glance.

After another 2 hours of amiable chit chat, Draco was feeling the tension from his flight from the Manor slowly leave his body. Neville had bid him a good evening with promises for a repeat outing in a few weeks, and Draco was counting out muggle money to leave a tip on the table before exiting his now empty booth.

Standing to leave he felt the sudden heat of another body standing way too close, smelling of liquor and cigarettes. Turning his head sharply he was met with the glazed, drunken eyes of the muggle who had sent him a drink nearly 3 hours ago. Apparently, he had waited for Draco to be alone before approaching. “Hey beautiful, wanna drink? I see you didn’t finish the one I sent you, not your type?” He waggled his eyebrows creepily and Draco felt his stomach clench. What the fuck was this guy’s deal?

“I don’t drink, excuse me.” Draco said curtly and made to leave.

“You’re at a fucking bar, you tease.” The man leered and shot his arm out to grab Draco’s bicep. “Come, have a fucking drink.”

The familiarity of that painfully predatory and possessive clutch on his body made all the hairs on Draco’s neck stand in alarm. A jolt of fear and anger pulsed through Draco and the drunken man yelped in shock and let go of Draco’s arm, looking scandalized. “What the fuck, man?!” He yelled at Draco, drawing the eyes of a few patrons over the hum of chatter.

“Get the fuck off me.” Draco hissed, and he stomped towards the door. As soon as he cleared the front entrance he sprinted down the street and apparated in the first alley he came too. He could have walked home but he didn’t want that creep following him.

 _Fuck,_ he thought. _Fucking fuck. For fuck’s sake_. His magic had reacted in front of a muggle. Fuck. Would the ministry know? Would they contact Draco? Would he be in trouble? Would that muggle need to be obliviated? Shit. He didn’t know. He didn’t know if that small amount of magic was enough to alert the ministry to his activities. His probation had ended 3 years ago but he was sure the ministry still kept tabs on him.

Closing himself in his bedroom, he growled in frustration. This had been the longest, most frustrating day he had had in a very long time. He decided that all he could do was wait and see if he received a summons. Hopefully, it didn’t happen while he was at work tomorrow. His colleagues loved to make assumptions about his supposedly solicitous behaviour.

 _________________

 

The next morning, Draco was awake nearly an hour before his alarm was set to go off. He was filled with dread and trepidation, but his sense of duty and responsibility drove him to roll out of bed and ready himself for the day.

He decided to go a step further for his wardrobe incase he got called into the ministry. He wasn’t about to be disciplined in lime green healer robes. Dressing in smart grey fitted trousers, a white button down, and soft grey woollen vest, he picked out his snappiest shoes and a dark blue tie and gathered his paperwork.

The street that housed St. Mungo’s was deserted this early in the morning. He wasn’t meant to start his shift until 8 but he was here at 6:30. He relished the idea of working on some potions theories before beginning his rounds. He was relieved to know that Sprigg wouldn’t be there for most of the day. Small mercies.

Strolling into his department expecting some quiet time, he was startled to hear someone call his name. Turning his head he saw a nurse running up to him. “Oh, thank goodness you’re here Healer Malfoy, Spring went off call early and we didn’t think you’d be here for at least another hour, we’ve just sent an owl off to your home!”

“What’s wrong Nurse Wallace?” He asked the frantic looking woman as she beckoned him to follow.

“Patient was sent to spell damage four days ago, and they just realized he has what appears to be a blood curse. They’ve already sent him to room 3.”

“Walk with me. I need to change and be filled in.” He said briskly.

She nodded and they picked up their pace towards Draco’s office. “42 year old male, owns an antique shop, said he pricked his finger on an old broach that came through his shop not long ago. His initial symptoms were that he couldn’t stop singing hymns at the top of his lungs. Wife brought him in four days ago and intake sent him to spell damage.”

They had reached Draco’s office, and he began changing with complete disregard to his audience who kept up her reiteration of patient information. “After analyzing the broach Healer Smithweck thought it was an antiquated form of the Hymnis Charm but Mr. Deklerk didn’t show any response to the usual counter charms and potions. After three days he began showing symptoms of dark magic and no reprieve from the hymnals, which took on a malicious intonation.” Draco’s eyes shot up to meet hers as he changed into his rounds shoes and stood up to leave the office. “He’s singing in Latin now, and it's really creepy stuff, too.” She added, before continuing her clinical observations. “He’s in acute kidney failure, fulminant liver failure, and he’s tachycardic at 148.”

Draco walked swiftly down the corridor hearing the sounds of eerie hymnal chanting coming from down the hall, from room three.

“…et moveri non possunt,  
spiro, dicere aut audire  
quod suus ‘ita tenebras…”

Knowing Latin as well as any old pureblood, Draco felt a shiver run down his spine. “How long has the singing been this… ominous?” He questioned.

“Since last night. By 3am this morning the healers knew we weren’t dealing with a misfiring Hymnis Charm.”

“…in omni tempore  
Si scirem quod sola esset,  
non fuissaet pro cremationem…”

Walking through the door and up to the bed, Draco saw, and smelled, immediately that this was dark, dark magic. The unmistakable smell of copper, with an undertone of the smell of the blood curse. Its signature was sinisterly floral, but sickeningly so, like cheap perfume was dumped in a bucket of blood. He grabbed the file to scan what potions had been given over the last four days and groaned aloud.

“This greatly diminished my ability to help him. The potions I would use in this circumstance are completely contraindicated with what’s in his system at the moment.” He thought quickly while the hymnal chanting got louder and the patient began shaking on the bed.

“…non timebis portenta vultus eorum…”

“Nurse Wallace get me the asphodel infusion, the bezoar powder, and the silver alloy solution. We need to move fast.”

“RESPICE AD SINISTRAM TUAM…”

Draco took the proffered potions from nurse Wallace and forced them down poor Mr. Deklerk’s throat. Mr. Deklerk’s delusional intonations didn’t miss a beat, even as he writhed from the effects of the potions.

“ET DEXTERA TUA  
TUUM IN LECTULO  
POST TERGUM TUUM CULTOREM VINEAE”

Draco waved his wand in the familiar diagnostic movements checking the shimmering magical auras of his writhing, babbling patient. The potions were undoing the damage of poor healer management but did nothing for the exponentially worsening blood curse.

“Grab the Nettled Salt solution, and mix it with 2 parts dragon’s breath infusion, with two healthy sprigs of purple heather, full bloom - we’ll use the powdered narwhal horn to act as the main chelator, since I doubt there’s any unicorn horn available, though it would be preferred - we need to start stripping his blood and bone of the remnants of this curse, it’s had far too long to incubate.”

“NUNQUAM AUTEM IN  
CUBICULO SURSUM RESPICERE”

Draco checked to make sure Nurse Wallace was following his instructions to the letter and hovered his hands over Mr. Deklerk’s shuddering frame. “I’m sorry, Mr. Deklerk, please try and remain still while I perform some counter curses and while we ready a potion for you. I know you may be scared right now, but we are doing our best to help. Please hold on.”

“NON VIDETUR ESSE ODIO HABUERIS”

Between the spluttered latin phrases, Draco saw a nod of understanding, a moment of peace, and he began following Mr. Deklerk’s latin with his own intonations, pushing back against the onslaught of dark magic. He would have to send the broach to the DMLE in a lead box - whoever had cursed it had hoped for death.

 ______________

 

Back in his office, Draco sagged into his chair, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. He wasn’t good at his job, he was excellent at it. And it was that excellence that had saved the cursed Mr. Deklerk, despite the overwhelming odds. Healer Sprigg would have botched that if he had been on rotation, Draco was certain. But despite Draco’s abilities in his job, the subsequent adrenaline crash from coping with a life and death situation, always left him feeling spent.

At the sound of a knock at his office door, he jumped and stiffened, straightening his back, and laying his hands firmly down on his desk. “Come in.” He said sharply, smoothing his hair. Nurses were always nervous approaching his office, as he had a reputation for little patience and no humor. A short nurse from the front desk walked in holding a familiar style envelope and Draco resisted the urge to sink in his chair. Malfoys did not sink.

“Healer Malfoy?” she queried hesitantly, waiting for his acknowledgement. He inclined his head in response. “There’s an urgent letter from the ministry for you, sir.” She scuttled forward and handed the heavy parchment envelope to Draco, whose expression gave nothing away.

“Thank you, is that all?” He asked plainly, putting the envelope down and shuffling his papers, feigning preoccupation.

“Yes, that’s all.” She replied and hurried from the room without a backwards glance. The moment the door was shut, Draco grabbed the envelop and shuddered. He was really hoping they hadn’t picked up on his incident. Well, there was nothing for it, he thought, and tore the envelope open to read the damage.

 

_Draco Malfoy (HLR),_

_You have been named the contact information for one Mr Gregory Goyle, who has been arrested and remanded on the charge of drunk and disorderly conduct and threatening the Statute of Secrecy. He is being held at the DMLE headquarter cell #21 on level 7 of the Ministry of Magic._

_His bail application may be submitted tomorrow morning at_ 9am _._

_Respectfully,_

_Susan Bones_   
_The Ministry of Magic_   
_Secretary for Bail Applications_

 

Draco groaned aloud. A mixture of relief and exasperation rolling through him. “Not again” he sighed into the empty room. He was thankful that he wasn’t being called in himself, yet unsettled that he was needed to post bail for Greg, again. This was the 4th time since Christmas. Oh well, he thought. At least he could use this as an excuse to talk to Greg about getting help, again.

 _________________

 

Draco startled awake, covered in sweat, sticking to his bedsheets. He bolted upright and touched the slight scars on his chest. He had dreamt of the bathroom - Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom. Gingerly stepping out of bed, he padded over to his ensuite and splashed water on his face to wash the sweat away and remind him that he was 25 years old and no longer trying to repair broken antique furniture under threat of death. He was no longer being stalked by Potter. It irritated him to no end that Potter had known he was up to something, and it irritated him even more that when he had finally confronted Draco, instead of doing something fucking useful, he threw a curse at him that nearly bled Draco dry.

He supposed he deserved it. And he knew Potter hadn’t known what that curse did, Snape had told him. But still. Really? What did it mean to be marked by the two most powerful wizards of the century, Draco wondered. He didn’t want to think about it, and he certainly didn’t want to think of Potter at, he waved his wand for a tempus charm, nearly midnight on a Sunday. He replaced the towel after drying his face and walked back to his bed. Climbing in, he vowed to not think of Potter or that day in the bathroom or how Potter’s eyes were full of terror and regret as he knelt down by Draco, his blood swirling around the shower drain.

Draco had an aching erection in the morning. He had had a strange dream. He was a king, and, in order to ensure the survival of his kingdom, he was betrothed to a queen, obligated to produce an heir. This wasn’t the first time he had this particular dream, but the version he had become accustomed to over the years was narrated by Lucius, and his usual queen was Astoria Greengrass, looking profoundly disappointed. But... it was different this time. In this dream, his queen was a dashingly handsome young man with dark hair, familiar eyes, and strong hands.

He shook his head, really not wanting to think too hard about those eyes or the fact that Kings and Queens were men and women, and this was something that would never, could never, happen in his world. He was a gay man, and these kinds of fairy tales weren’t for gay men. Groaning in frustration, he buried his head in his pillow and tried to will his erection away.

He didn’t want to think about why he spent so much time getting ready that morning. He wanted the ministry to know that he was doing well for himself, by himself. He was helping people, he wasn’t living off his inheritance, and he was a productive member of society, god dammit. And, he looked fucking good doing it. He wore a casual but dashing dark fitted pants, light grey jacket, white button down, and a wedgewood blue tie. He knew he looked amazing. Checking his hair one more time, he disapparated to the visitor's entrance at the Ministry.

Clearing security with only moderate scrutiny, he marched towards the lifts, looking for all the world as if he commanded the space. He hated the idea of being pushed around here and left no room for others to think they could do so. He was feeling distinctly lucky when he arrived at the lifts and they were mercifully empty, and he prodded the button for level 7, lost in thought about what he would say to Greg when he got down to the cells. He stood back as the doors started to close. Just as the atrium was disappearing from sight, a dark hand jutted out to stop the door with a muffled, “Sorry, going down!”

 _Fucking hell._ Harry mother effing Potter shoved the lift door aside with ease and stepped into the small space without realizing who he was moving to stand next too. Draco nearly had an aneurysm trying to make sense of what Potter was wearing. Did his shirt say Queen? Were those leather boots? Clearly, the Golden Boy was not expected to follow the auror dress code. Draco didn’t realize he was gaping with a look of pure mystification when Harry finally looked up and made eye contact with him as the lift started to move.

“Malfoy?” He asked with more alarm than Draco thought the situation warranted.

“Potter?” Draco mirrored.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He demanded.

“I’m sorry, why is that any of your business?” Draco sneered.

Potter looked suspicious and narrowed his eyes, clearly not knowing how to respond to that.

Draco rolled his eyes. “Honestly, you act as though you’ve caught me doing something nefarious. Is riding the lift to the DMLE that big of a scandal for you?”

Potter looked… Draco couldn’t figure out what adjectives to use. At first glance, he looked… well, he looked rather… fetching? Had Potter always worn black skinny jeans? What’s with the leather jacket? Biker Harry was fit. Draco had clearly lost his mind. Potter was just staring unnervingly back at Draco with an unreadable expression. He looked tight and drawn, ready for a fight. Draco’s knees felt a little funny at the visceral reaction he seemed to elicit from Potter by his mere presence.

He felt a little vulnerable and exposed under the intense scrutiny and reflexively brought his hand up to his chest at the same time as Potter awkwardly adjusted his jeans. Was he blushing?

“Why are you going to the DMLE?” Potter finally asked turning slightly away from Draco and breaking eye contact. He seemed to not be able to restrain from interrogating Draco.

Draco barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes again and briefly thought about lying. “If you really need to know, I’m bailing Greg out for another drunk and disorderly.” He knew that Potter would either follow him and find out or use his hero status to dig around the DMLE files, anyway.

Potter looked back up at Draco, and there was so much softness and sadness in his eyes. “Yeah.” He finally said. “That’s been happening a lot, hasn’t it?”

“Well, not everyone coped with the war as admirably as the Golden Trio, Potter.” Draco said coldly, but was oddly touched by the apparently genuine concern in Potter’s face.

Potter’s eyes seemed to harden. He turned away from Draco again and slouched back against the wall, seeming to sink into himself and hanging his head. “Well, I hope he gets the help he needs.” He pushed out softly, like it cost him something to say.

At closer inspection, Draco thought Harry looked exhausted. Crumpled. His normally dark skin was tinged grey and the bags under his eyes made him look slightly skeletal. His eyes… his eyes looked haunted. And what was that smell? It smelled like copper and something else. Something more insidious. Something bitter that made the back of his tongue a little numb.

Draco turned more fully to Potter. “Thanks. But, now can I ask you something?” His healer training was coming out in full force. Potter looked startled and weary.

“What?” Harry demanded, straightening his posture, and pushing off the wall of the lift.

“Why, in the name of Salazar Slytherin himself, do you smell like you’ve been dunked in a vat of dark magic?”

“Excuse me?” Harry asked indignantly, looking a little offended.

“You reek like dark magic, Potter. I specialize in it, and I’m particularly sensitive to the smell. Especially anything in your blood. And, you stink.”

“Wow, thanks.” Harry said, with real offense now. “But, in case you forgot Malfoy, I am an Auror, and dark magic is part of the job description. It’s my speciality, too.” he sneered back.

Draco narrowed his eyes in response “I suppose.” He finally let out. “If you say so, Potter.”

Draco noticed a small feather sticking out of Potter’s rat’s nest of a hairstyle. “And, is sleeping in an eagle’s nest part of your job description as well?” He asked with a smirk, pointing to the feather before turning to look back at the lift door.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Potter blush furiously as he reached up to disentangle the feather from his hair. Draco didn’t know why he gleaned so much enjoyment from flustering Potter, but he really did.

Finally, the gods smiled down on Draco and they reached the DMLE floor. The lift doors opened and Potter muttered a quick “See you around, Malfoy.” before dashing down the hall and away from Draco. Draco gritted his teeth and did not watch him go, skinny jeans be damned.


	7. The Fall

Chapter Seven – The Fall  
June 05, 2007

Harry was back at The Gallows, nursing a drink with his head bent low over the bar, lost in thought. He had come here in a blind rage, infuriated after what had happened at work. The raid had been going alright, pretty standard Auror business, but once they cleared the main house of miscreants, stunning and holding them in an incarcerous, he and Seamus Finnegan (Ron had taken Hermione to a healer appointment that morning) had made their way out back to a barn that glistened with protective enchantments and the scent of dark magic hung heavy in the air.

Harry had been startled by three more stragglers – Death Eaters, Lestrange, McNair and Yaxley. Three of the bastards Harry would’ve given anything to crucio himself; the last of the old crew that had continued to dodge the ministry at every turn, who had fled the final battle when Harry had been revealed to be alive. They had sparred with them, flinging curses and swapping hexes for what felt like hours.

As Harry left Seamus’s side to gain better ground, ducking low to hide behind a stone wall, a jet of green light singed his shoulder. The curse had missed him, but it left a tattered streak in the leather of Sirius’s jacket. It was though a vice had been placed around his heart and lungs – his vital organs squeezed incomprehensibly, his ears ringing with his own growling howl. 

He had felt an immense concussive wave of magic leave him, dragging with it all of his anger, his festering guilt and rage. He looked back up over the stone wall and his heart stopped. It was as though a bomb went off – trees bent backward, an entire wall of the barn had been destroyed, and what was left was on fire. Three bodies lay in the clearing between them.

Harry stumbled over to the forms on the ground – Yaxley and McNair lay unconscious, blood trickling from their noses and ears. Next to them, lay Seamus. No, Harry thought desperately. No. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. He knelt next to Seamus and shook him, willing him to wake up, his voice shrill when he finally screamed back toward the house for help. He hadn’t needed to though, Aurors had felt the blast, spotted him and already called the team medic to the scene. They pulled Harry to the side, bound the two Death Eaters, and Seamus was whisked away to the care of someone much more skilled in the art of healing.

Lestrange must have disapparated just before the blast. Fuck.

To his left, he heard Robards say he assumed Seamus’s spellwork had gone awry, leading to another of his infamous explosions. Harry’s mouth was hanging open, his hands balled so tightly into fists that his nails drew blood on his palms. He wanted to stand up for Seamus, to explain, to tell someone that he had done it – it was him. It was his fault. It was an accident. But the words didn’t come. Instead, he felt consumed with fear – if they knew he was having outbursts of magic, he’d be benched, maybe fired. He’d be a disgrace. He wouldn’t be safe. Not to be around, not for anyone, at any time. Harry swallowed hard and told Robards he was headed back to the office to make his statement and write up paperwork. 

Harry had lied, he’d come straight to The Gallows to drink away the fear. He was on his seventh Jameson, and it wasn’t working – he could still feel the peppery notes of adrenaline, the deep rolling shame in his gut that threatened to spill out across the bar at any given moment. He couldn’t do this. He needed to tell someone about his magic. It was getting too powerful. He felt unsafe. The idea that he was putting those around him at risk was eating a hole straight through his core, burning him, devouring his insides. He couldn’t have more bodies to his name. He needed help. 

“You want another?” came the gruff voice of the bartender. 

“It’s not doing enough.” Harry’s answer was gravely, strained, like it was being dragged across all of the guilt he was trying to hide. 

The bartender laughed, and slipped him a coaster across the bar. “Try this. Go home, get yourself comfortable and get ready to feel like you’re flying.”

Harry snapped his head back up and held him with a piercing stare. What did this muggle know about flying? Did he know who Harry was? What did he mean, if he didn’t? Did muggles have a drug that could mimic the freedom of soaring through the air? That’s what Harry was assuming was beneath the coaster, drugs, since that seemed to be muggle’s answer to everything. At least, at The Gallows it was. 

Harry debated slipping the coaster and whatever was beneath it into his pocket. His experience with cocaine hadn’t been very positive - he didn’t like how his heart raced and his thoughts got even louder. He already had enough adrenaline in his day to day life, what with the flashbacks and the startling so easily, and the fact that his job as an Auror put him in constant mortal danger. However, on the plus side, he had managed to keep an erection, fuck someone and orgasm, even if it did end in confusing thoughts of Malfoy and his wallet being stolen. Harry sighed. 

Then, with a start, he realized why he had ended up at Grimmauld Place. The drugs had suppressed his magic. His decision was made that instant, with his palm covering the coaster, sliding it across the bar, and stuffing it and the plastic packet beneath it into his leather jacket’s pocket in one fell swoop. 

He finished his last drink of the night and paid, leaving a significant tip. The bartender laughed as he polished the glass tumbler in his hand, shaking his head. 

Harry slipped around the corner into the same alley he had managed his first, and only, orgasm with a partner, and apparated back to Grimmauld Place, one hand on his wand, and the other gripped tight on his purchase. 

On the stoop, Harry reached up to the knocker on the door, watching the forest scene stirring to life. He startled when the adder beneath his hand puffed up slightly and admonished him “You are not a stranger, but you are not welcome here, troubled one” it hissed out, punctuating the statement with breathy emphasis in time with his irritated puffing. 

Harry focused on the slitted eyes and flicking forked tongue, hissing back “I am master of this house, small one, you will welcome me as such”. The serpent stilled, and the lock clicked open “You are not a Black, but I would not be such a fool to deny a parseltongue entry to my lair. The winged beasts will be harder to convince, though, and they are the true keepers of the family Black.” 

Harry pushed the door open and slipped through, leaving the politics of which dead lines were claimed by thestrals and which weren’t for another night - tonight, he had other things on his mind. 

He stomped his way up to Sirius’s bedroom, not even bothering with a lumos to help light the way. He didn’t mind that it was dark. He needed the darkness to shore up his courage. He didn’t feel like this, tonight, was a part of himself he wanted illuminated. 

Harry found Sirius’s bedroom just as he had left it. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the tiny packet to look at it in his hand. The powder was darker this time, not so stark white, sort of brown, really. Harry steeled his nerves and tapped some out on his left hand like they had in the alley, laying the packet down on the bedside table and staring at the little mountain he had created - before he could second guess himself, he leaned down and snorted the small pile up into his left nostril. As he raised his head from his hand, letting it fall to his side, Harry let out a startled, bark of a laugh, the first authentic one in ages. 

Oh my God, he thought. Oh my God, it was brilliant. Fucking brilliant. It wasn’t flying, it was free falling, careening deep down into something soft and beautiful and lovely, like dropping into a bathtub full of honey. The golden liquid was being painted all over the raw parts of him, coating his very bones, dripping across all of the wounds he carried, knitting them back together, making him feel whole. It was sweet and sticky and god, he felt nourished. Like the empty parts of himself were filling with something pure and beautiful and golden, like he finally had sunlight within him, warming his soul. 

Fuck, this was better than anything. This is how he imagined it felt to fall in love. Maybe this was love. If it wasn’t, it was better than love, Harry decided. If the cruciatus curse was the most horrible soul-wrenching pain a person could feel, this must be the most ethereal, analgesic pleasure, it was ambrosial. 

He let himself fall backwards onto the bed, his legs still dangling off the edge of the mattress, a huge grin on his face amid the cloud of dust and feathers that flew up around him. Fuck. It was good. Too good. Eventually, he drew his legs up onto the bed and curled onto his side, hugging his core, a smile still lingering on his otherwise placid features. He could feel the joy bubbling inside him, like it hadn’t in years, like it hadn’t ever, even when he first got his letter for Hogwarts and learned he was a wizard. It escaped from his mouth in sporadic, quiet laughter. He didn’t know you could be this happy. 

He was soothed, and his magic had dampened, just barely curling around his edges, licking at the honey dripping, pooling at his sides. Again, it purred softly. Again. 

Harry spent all night like that, curled up in Sirius’s old bed, refreshing the high every time he felt it slipping away and reality come crawling back - pouring himself back into that beautiful place of calm, serene, tenderness. It was better than any sex, any orgasm, any triumph, any success - it was better than anything Harry could imagine. 

He finished the packet by daybreak.


	8. Affirmations

Chapter Eight – Affirmations  
June 05, 2007

War was horrible. It was the worst thing he had ever experienced. Day in and day out he had lived with gnawing terror. After the war everyone celebrated. Everyone wanted their life back. They wanted joy and comfort and families. They wanted it to be easy again. But it wasn’t easy for Draco. Some people got up the next day and moved on, but trauma didn’t have a universal expiration date. The war had been done for years, but Draco only just now began to feel that he could maybe one day hope to begin to heal. Maybe.

He had lived to see a life on the other side of Voldemort but he couldn’t manage to writing something hopeful about it. That therapist Neville recommended, Beatrice, gave him this seemingly useless task. She gave him homework. Everyday he needed to write down an affirmation and stick it somewhere visible, or carry it with him. For his birthday she suggested he write something about the future, about something he hoped for. What did he hope for? He didn’t really know.

He thought about his one motivating factor; work. It was at the hospital he felt secure. He felt powerful and competent. He felt in control in a way that eluded him in the rest of his life. Work was exhilarating and exhausting. It was a challenge and a puzzle. But, just as he couldn’t escape his blonde hair and sharp features, the ghost of Lucius on his own face, he couldn’t escape how everyone knew he had taken a Mark. Even though he never showed it at work, they all knew, and they ascribed it meaning. It didn’t matter how hard Draco worked, or how compassionate he was with his patients, no matter how many hours he put in fighting dark magic, there were some that would never let him forget that he was a marked man. A Malfoy and a Death Eater, and that’s all he would ever be.

He sat at his desk, in his apartment, tapping his quill and staring down at the little green post-it note. He liked muggle stationery. It was cute and soothing and neat. It was also intimidating, staring right back at him, empty, taunting, devoid of the hope that was supposed to be written there. He picked up a little book that he had discarded immediately after bringing it home. _Positive Affirmations for a Peaceful Life_ leered at him, and he narrowed his eyes in apprehension.

Draco sneered at the grand assumption that he of all people could have a peaceful life. He finally opened it and leafed through. He supposed he’d better just pick one. He hastily scratched his note for the day, _my future is beautiful and bright,_ and tried not to feel supremely stupid.

Draco paused a moment, staring at it. Beautiful and bright? He scoffed, then shredded the post-it into dozens of pieces before vanishing them. Feeling slightly better, he hastily penned, _I heal people_. It was true, and it made him feel slightly less empty.

He got up and moved to stick it on the window frame by his encourage-mint before he could think better of it. He decided he would do something nice for himself today. It was his birthday after all.

_____________

 

Several hours had passed. Draco’s butt was numb in his desk chair and he was surrounded by a hurricane of paperwork, but his application was done. He had finally written the research proposal he had always wanted to submit. He had thought about it for years and years. 3 months back when Mr. Deklerk with the rare blood curse had nearly died, it had pushed the issue more centrally into Draco’s mind. If he had had access to unicorn horn or blood, even in the smallest of amounts, that case wouldn’t have been such a close call. But the ministry has had a ban on unicorn harvests for years now, and magical medicine had suffered as a result.

He knew from his own research, from family lore, and from eavesdropping on the Death Eaters that unicorns had been known to willing offer pieces of themselves to help humans. It was this caveat of gifting that had intrigued Draco. He knew that sacrificing a unicorn to save your own life was what caused the curse of a half life, but he also knew that gathering horns, hair, and blood from a naturally deceased unicorn did not wreak havoc on the person to use their magic. The issue came in finding a unicorn in the wild that had died of natural causes before the materials expired. It was incredibly rare and unrealistic to rely on as a source. He wanted to explore the use of unicorn blood in curing blood curses from freely given blood. But, how does one convince a unicorn to freely gift their blood? He thought he knew someone who might have an idea.

After setting aside his application and petition to the ministry, and brushing away a birthday card from his mother, he pulled another fresh piece of parchment to himself and dove into the inquiry.

 

_Hagrid,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. How is Hogwarts? How are your classes? I was hoping you could help me with some information on unicorns, as you have such regular interactions with them. You see, I am applying to St. Mungo’s to take a leave of absence in order to research the use of unicorn blood in curing dark magic, specifically blood curses, with the proviso that the blood is freely gifted._

_Do you have any stories, lore, research, anecdotal or otherwise, of unicorns providing humans with blood? We know that they have the proclivity of offering their horns and hairs, but it is specifically the blood that I am interested in studying._ Obviously _my priority in my inquiry is to ensure that no harm comes to the unicorns in question, but imagine the good that could be done if we forged a greater connection with the unicorns to help cure blood curses?_

_Looking forward to hearing your insights._

_\- Healer D. Malfoy_

 

Draco rose first thing the next morning to send off his letter to Hagrid and to hand deliver his research and sabbatical applications to the St. Mungo’s research board. Returning to his office, feeling lighter than he had in ages, he found 2 scrolls of parchment waiting for him in his in-tray. The first read;

 

_Draco,_

_Can we get cake at that place? 3 pm? Hope you’re free._

_\- Greg_

 

Ominous, thought Draco. Greg only ever asked him to his favourite cake place when he wanted a favour. But he didn’t like how they had left things at the Ministry after Draco had bailed him out. Greg had been embarrassed and didn’t want to hear Draco’s suggestion that he get help. Again. He shoved passed Draco, leaving him fuming in the atrium alone, and hadn’t made contact since.

He scribbled on a scrap of parchment and sealed it, setting it in his out-tray, it disappeared to the St. Mungo’s owlery.

The next scroll read;

 

_Draco,_

_Come by for tea. I have too many stories and not enough parchment. Are you still free on Sundays? If so let’s make it 11._

_\- Hagrid_

_Ps. Happy Birthday_

 

Draco smiled, shocked and pleased that Hagrid remembered his birthday was yesterday. His intriguing response from Hagrid overshadowed any apprehension he may be feeling towards his meeting with Greg later.

Again, he scribbled an affirmative response and watched it disappear from his out-tray.

______________________

 

Draco spent the rest of his shift on rounds in the haem department, cleaning up after Sprigg’s ineptitudes with a blood cursed auror. Another Death Eater safe house had been raided. Lestrange was still on the run, and he knew Lestrange’s signature curses. Draco was irate when he had learned that Sprigg hadn’t call him in on the case and rushed behind him to mitigate the damage. It’s not that Sprigg wasn’t literate in blood curses, it was his speciality after all. It was that he was overconfident and failed to recognize indistinct differences in certain forms of Dark Magic.

Certain curses often took on a flavour of their own if they had been performed over and over again by a single caster. Those curses evolved subtly, different to those that had been cast once-off in a fit of rage or premeditated to curse an object. Sprigg wouldn’t deign to respect Dark Magic enough to understand this complexity or to adjust his treatment plan to reflect the circumstances. But Draco knew. He knew from close study that Lestrange’s blood-curdling curse needed more prickly pear and less queen anne’s lace in its detox potion than most first stage antidotes for similar curses. He knew it because he paid attention and was good at his job. Fuck those who thought he was being unnecessarily overbearing.

When Draco finally glanced at the clock on the wall it read 3:05 and he swore under his breath. Rushing back to his office, he discarded his healer robes, grabbed his research material for the evening, and left his office to meet Greg.

Draco found Greg slouched in a little spindle legged chair in the corner of the cafe. He looked too large for the tiny table with delicate flowers and miniature fragile crystal vases. Greg was looking with great concern into his coffee as if it had started speaking Greek to him. Draco wondered what he could have been contemplating so deeply as he sat himself down across from his old friend and startled him to attention.

“Greg.” Draco nodded. “You look… better.”

“Hey.” Greg pushed out. “Thanks. I ordered you that chocolate thing you like.”

Draco felt his lips curved into a smile without his permission. “Thank you.” He said softly. “How have you been?”

Greg shifted uncomfortably and Draco braced himself. Was he in trouble again? Did he need another bailout of some kind?

“I’m… uh. Well, you know when you said…” He stuttered and stopped, looking nervous.

“I’ve said many things Greg, you’ll have to be more specific.” Draco said, not unkindly, but trying to get to the fucking point here.

Greg blushed and looked back down at his coffee just as the waitress came over to deliver their cakes. Greg had gotten what looked to be a slice of carrot cake with candied pecans and white chocolate mousse, and, in front of Draco, she placed his all-time favourite creation- a dense fudge brownie with chocolate gateau and crystallized pieces of caramel. Greg was a cunning Slytherin to use this beautiful monstrosity to distract Draco from whatever thing he was struggling to say.

Without prelude, Draco raised a shard of caramel to his mouth as Greg blurted out, “I’m an alcoholic.”

Closing his mouth, and slowly lowering the caramel away from his face, Draco turned his head slightly to the side and looked carefully at Greg. “Well, I’m glad you’ve finally come to terms with that.” Draco said evenly. The fact that Greg was an alcoholic wasn’t news, but Greg’s acceptance of his condition certainly was.

“Yeah…” Greg began and stared mournfully down at his carrot cake. “I know I fucked up. I am fucked up.”

Heaving a large sigh, Draco put down the caramel and sat back in his seat. “You aren’t fucked up Greg.” At this, Greg looked up into Draco’s face with imploring eyes. “You have a condition. This is a disease. And the first part of getting your life back together is recognizing it.”

“I think I need help.” He whispered.

“Of course you need help. And, if you’re ready for help, I have some contacts for you.” Greg cringed at this.

“I don’t like the idea of people knowing. I’m not crazy, I don’t want to have to see a mind healer.” He said looking full of shame.

“Greg.” Draco said sternly now, leaning forward. “We lived through a fucking war, and you think you don’t need a mind healer? Do you think you’re the only one who's struggled? The only one who's fallen into a pit of despair and poor coping skills?”

“Do you see a therapist?” Greg asked with surprise and incredulity.

“Of course I see a fucking therapist!” Draco said raising his voice. “Greg. We. Lived. Through. War. Everyone should have a fucking therapist! I don’t know how I made it as far as I did without one for as long as I did. I should have had one starting when I was eight, honestly.”

Greg smiled. “Your family was a bit fucking weird, weren’t they?”

Draco smiled back. “You have no idea. So, are you going to let me put you in contact with some people?”

Looking profoundly relieved, Greg nodded. “Good.” Said Draco. “Now let me eat my fucking cake before I have to hex you.”

 

June 08, 2007

The summer sun cast a haze of heat over the Hogwarts grounds as he walked up to the wrought iron gates. Hagrid stood waiting, crinkled beetle black eyes smiling at him from under the tangled mop of hair on his head.

“Ello there, Malfoy!” Hagrid boomed, gripping Draco’s arm and shaking it with far too much vigour. “Hello, Hagrid.” Said Draco smiling, feeling thoroughly disoriented from the strength of Hagrid’s greeting. He stepped inside the gates and waited for Hagrid to close them. “I hope you’ve been keeping well?”

“Oh, abou’ as well as anyone, I s’pose. Can’ complain too much.” He smiled and shrugged and they started up the lane together towards the game keeper’s hut. “Cornish pixies been givin’ me grief, bunch o’ grea’ pains in the arse sneakin’ inter me ‘ut and rearrangin’ me tea cups.” Hagrid glowered and Draco snorted most indignantly. Hagrid glanced sideways at Draco and smiled.

“Any who, enough abou’ meself, how’s Mungo’ treatin’ you these days, haven’ heard from yeh in quiet some time. If yeh ask me, they’re workin’ yeh to the bone, they are.”

“They do keep me busy, yes. There’s only two of us that specialize in blood curses so the haematology department is always understaffed. Considering most of what we deal with is blood curses, it’s a bit ridiculous. And my counterpart leaves much to be desired if I’m honest.” Draco huffed. He felt oddly comfortable around Hagrid. The great half giant was a gentle soul, and a pang of remorse rang through him at the thought that he had missed out on years of getting to know this man. The things that he must have seen on these grounds and in that forest.

“Ah yeah.” Hagrid nodded. “Blood curse’ is a nasty business, I tell yeh.” They chatted amiably as they walked through the grounds. They rounded the walk up to the hut and Draco felt flooded with nostalgia and anxiety at being in this place again. Images of happy school days and battle flickering together in his mind’s eye. He felt for the post-it note in his pocket,  _the past is in the_ _past_ , and stepped up into Hagrid’s hut.

“Now.” Hagrid started. “Abou’ them unicorns.”

“Yes.” Draco encouraged. “Anything you can tell me would be great.”

“Well firs’ off, where was you plannin’ on studying them?” Hagrid asked.

Draco was quiet for a moment. “I actually hadn’t really considered where exactly I would go or be in order to study them. I mean, my application included a petition to the Ministry to conduct my research on the herd in the Forbidden Forest, but I don’t know if it’ll be accepted. And if it is accepted, I don’t know how I’ll situate myself.”

“Ah, well then, in that fron’ I have some good news fer yeh. But we’ll come back to that in a mo’.” Said Hagrid, busying himself with making tea and setting a plate of rock cakes down in front of Draco. “Firs’ I wanna tell yeh abou’ sommet that happened ter me in the forest a right few years back. Sommet you migh’ find useful fer yer research en such.”

Draco sat up straighter and took a cake to be polite, but knowing it would break one of his teeth if he tried to bite into it without soaking it in tea first.

“Back when Gropie firs’ came to live in the forest… Eh, he was, well, a handful.” Hagrid looked around for the milk jug and sugar before bringing the tea to the table. “He had such a temper on him, bless him. Much better now though. Gentle as a flobberworm, he is.”

Draco tried not to frown. Gentle was not the word he would have used to describe a flobberworm, or Hagrid’s giant half-brother.

“Any who, he broke through his bindin’ and ran towards a heard of unicorns in a clearing that had just recently foaled. The little things were jus’ so helpless and small and the mothers were right displeased with me, I tell yeh.” Draco could imagine that displeased was a gross understatement for being charged at by a giant. “So Gropie saw one of the little gold foals and got it in ‘is head that he wanted to touch it, being as it’ so cute en all.”

“Sure.” Draco said. Trying not to feel horrified for the unicorns.

“A mum unicorn ran forward to defend her foal but Gropie accidentally clipped her with his fist and knocked her down. En I was so worried about ‘im hurtin’ the foal that I dove in fron’ o’ ‘im and took the blow to me head instead and managed to knock Gropie out before collapsin’ meself.”

“You collapsed in the Forest?” Draco asked with alarm.

“Yup. Must have been out cold for hours too. When I finally came round the mum unicorn was standing near me bleeding from her leg from when she fell. She had been standing there rubbing her bleeding leg on me head from where I was bleeding.”

“She was rubbing her wound on your wound?” Draco clarified, feeling confused.

“Yup. En at firs’ I panicked. I didn’t want no cursed life, no half life, did I?” Hagrid took a gulp out of his bucket of tea. “But when I tried to get up, I was too dizzy to stand, Gropie had really done some damage to me head. So I laid back down and let her keep rubbing her blood on me. After a while she stopped, turned around and started licking me face.”

“Licking you?”

“Licking me, like a dog, yeah. And she eventually started to walk away, and it was then that I realized I felt fine, just tired. I got up, tied Gropie to the nearest tree, and started to walk home. The mum and her foal followed me all the way back, and once they saw me to me front door, they left.”

“Wow.” Draco said, astonished.

“That’s what I said, yeah. I thought maybe I’d wake up the next morning with bruises and be cursed half to death, but the next morning I woke up and all me bruises and cuts were healed. The lump on me head was gone, and I felt right as rain. Never better, actually. Went back to check on the unicorns the next day and they were friendly as ever wit me.”

Draco sat quietly for a while. “Well.” He started. “That kind of confirms from what I’ve heard from dark magic lore, Death Eaters and the like. If you can convince a unicorn to willingly give up their blood for you, then the curse of taking it is void. Imagine what we could do with that.” He finished thoughtfully. After a beat, he looked up at Hagrid. “But how could I get close enough to study them? How could I convince them to give up their blood to me? Where would I even stay?” He wasn’t looking for answers, more thinking aloud rhetorically. Draco was surprised when Hagrid had an answer ready for him.

“Well, we could set yeh up in the ol’ potioneering hut deep in the forest. It’s right near some of the bigger unicorn herds.” He looked at Draco as if this place in the forest was common knowledge. Nothing of really significant interest.

“What potioneering hut?” Draco asked, bewildered.

“Oh way back in the day, Professor Vindictus built a little stone cottage in Tenebris Hollow. It’ ‘bout a 4 hour hike from here, through some of the thickes’ wildernis’ out there. You pass all sorts on that route.” Hagrid shuddered a bit. ‘I can take yer there once, but after that it’ bes’ if yer apparate yerself. There’s magic protectin’ the whole hallow, but the wards should be reinforced. En yeh have to have yer wits ‘bout yeh when yeh go out lookin’ for unicorns.”

Draco nodded enthusiastically. He couldn’t believe his ears. There was an old potioneer’s cottage in the woods amidst isolated unicorn herds. “Thank you Hagrid. You’ve given me much more than just interesting stories.”

Hagrid beamed and shook his head. “It’s right important what yer doin’ and I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Yeh wouldn’t hurt the unicorns and ye’ll find ways to help others with yer work.”

Draco didn’t know what to say. He knew Hagrid didn’t hate him anymore, but trusting him like this felt so... good. He smiled and nodded, looking down into his own bucket of tea, trying to reign in his excitement. Nothing was set in stone, his application was still being scrutinized, and he hadn’t even spoken to the Headmistress about staying in the forest yet. As if reading his mind, Hagrid cleared his throat to say, “Jus’ write to Professor McGonagall to ask for permission and maybe she can even write to the Ministry and Mungo’s in favour of yer research. She’d right love to see you succeed in this.”

Draco blushed. He was feeling a bit overwhelmed by Hagrid’s confidence. Agreeing with Hagrid, he set to work chewing on his rock cake and they passed the early afternoon away with more stories and myths, gossip and laughs. Draco hadn’t felt that hopeful in years.


	9. Blood Magic

Chapter Nine – Blood Magic  
September 01, 2007

Harry hadn’t had any more outbursts of destructive magic. At first, after that fateful night in June, he had come into work smiling, energized, excited even, for the first time in what felt like years. Everyone noticed. Everyone complimented him on how good he looked all of a sudden, how happy. He was pleasant with the office secretary, he did the paperwork for Ron this time, he even winked at the barista who made his coffee in the morning. Everyone assumed he was seeing someone.

This was the golden boy. This was who everyone expected Harry to be, who they loved and adored.

It didn’t last long though, eventually he started feeling the edginess creep forward sooner and sooner in his work day, his magic starting to hum and demand he get back to The Gallows and then promptly to Grimmauld Place. The lack of sleep was starting to catch up to him as well, and he felt himself start to nod off at his desk more and more often.

He barely spent any of his nights by Ron and Hermione these days. When they had confronted him and asked where he had been going all these late evenings, Harry lied outright. He said he had been looking for apartments since they had told him they were expecting, wanting to give them room for their growing family and to get out of their hair. Hermione cried, and had hugged him, reassuring him that he was always welcome, and Ron had rolled his eyes and mouthed “hormones” over her shoulder, but thanking Harry for being so considerate all the same.

Harry had promised him he’d invite them over soon to see his place, but with Hermione so close to the end of her pregnancy and Ron running around to make sure everything was in order for paternity leave, he doubted they’d take him up on his offer. It had worried him, how easily he could lie to them. It slipped off his tongue and out of his mouth in a silky, easy fashion, without hesitation. His magic had thrummed happily, and he had indulged in a full night of debauchery after he’d left, moving a few boxes of his meagre possessions to Grimmauld Place, dropping them in the foyer and not bothering to unpack anything but his toothbrush.

It didn’t matter now, Harry had things he needed to see to first. He leaned forward across the bar, not even bothering to order a drink, looking imploringly at the barman.

 

“What you gave me wasn’t enough for this week.” He hissed. He had a hard time controlling the sudden surge of anger within him. He had spat the words, even though he hadn’t needed to. He was the only one there this early in the afternoon.

The barman raised his eyebrow. “I gave you enough to kill someone - how you’re still standing is a bit of a mystery at the moment. How do you have any places left to hit?”

Harry furrowed his brow. “How do you mean? I’ve been snorting the stuff.”

A look of understanding crossed the barman’s face, and he motioned for Harry to follow him back to the toilets. Harry had never seen him leave behind the bar before, and he followed him, eagerly, his magic crawling around, hungrily.

In the next 30 minutes, Harry learned how to mainline. The barman took him through the steps, showing him how to mix, cook and load a dose, then how to hit a vein - even so far as to show him which veins he could use. He helped him assemble his kit - he seemed happy to take Harry’s muggle money in exchange for this strange service he provided, an introduction into the world of heroin.

He let Harry practice a round on him, a simple smile crossing his face as Harry pushed what they had prepared. He untied the bit of rubber tubing they’d used as a tourniquet, and watched as the barman slumped back against the wall, his eyes falling half closed. Harry’s mouth was wet with envy.

“Flip the sign to closed when you leave, kid. I’ve got business to attend to.” The barman slurred out the last few words and let his eyes close fully, sinking down to the floor of the bathroom, groaning in absolute pleasure.

Harry left, flipping the sign as instructed, and apparated away to his own den of iniquity.

He hadn’t expected it to be so good, like it was the first time, but it was. Maybe better. He had hit the vein in his hand, as it had seemed easiest, just beneath the lower points of the ‘m’ in the ‘I must not tell lies’ that lay a permanent ghost, white lines on his brown skin. He could feel the rush along his arm and into his heart, and it fluttered a greeting in response.

It was like a swarm of bees, a gentle, building buzzing that tickled and carresed him. He had become the hive, he thought to himself, his eyes fluttering closed as he lay back on the bed, feeling the golden pool of honey collect deep within him - his magic was completely still.

 

Harry awoke slowly to the persistent angry cracking of a beak against glass. And screeching. So much screeching. He rubbed his eyes and set his glasses straight, wiping the drool from the side of his face. It must be past midnight, he thought blearily as he stumbled over his kit on the floor, kicking his used supplies beneath the bed in a small moment of shame. He got to the window and worked the swollen wood and rusted frame open, letting in a bedraggled looking owl. It fell to the floor, hooted, and was joined by four more insistent and annoyed looking birds.

Fuck, Harry thought quickly. Fuck. Someone must have been trying to get a hold of him for ages. Five fucking owls?! Fuck. What could’ve happened? He grabbed the nearest owl and unfurled the note attached to his leg.

_Harry,_

_Herm’s off to the hospital. I think this is it! Come to St. Mungo’s maternity ward when you can. I think i’m about to shit my pants, so you won’t want to miss it._

_\- Ron_

Adrenalin pulsed through Harry as he grabbed the second owl’s leg.

_Harry,_

_Where are you? Hermione is screaming at all the healers who try to touch her. She keeps telling me to keep to the birth plan (I was unaware of the birth plan?!? If you’re at the Ministry can you check and see if it’s on my desk?). I’m out of my depth, mate, and they said to expect a few more hours (??!!!!?) of this. I need reinforcements. I have to go back in there she’s started cursing everyone who’s ever touched her vagina. I am high on the list. Parvati Patil is on the list? I can’t handle the revelations I’m having._

_\- Ron_

Harry groaned. He’d really fucked up. He had promised he’d be there with them if they needed him. His best friends were becoming parents and he was in this hellhole getting himself obliviated. The third owl had ripped the parchment off his foot already and gone, so Harry picked it up off the floor, his stomach churning.

_Harry,_

_I want to be mad at you for missing this, but I just held my daughter for the first time, so nothing is going to keep me from being the happiest person on earth. Her name is Rose and she’s beautiful. Hermione needed some stitching up, so I expect we’ll be here for a few more hours. She’s all blissed out on bonding baby hormones at the moment, but she has been asking for you, and I expect she’ll want your head on a platter if you’re not here ASAP. I hope you’ve got a good excuse for missing this. Also, we have a finite number of birthdays with Rose at home before she’s off to Hogwarts spending it on the damn train (Hermione is already making a schedule), so you best bring it with the gifts. And you’re doing a lot of babysitting._

_\- Ron_

Harry’s heart pulled with the guilt. He had missed his goddaughter being born. Rose. What a beautiful name. They must be so happy.

The last owl was staring daggers at Harry. Ah, he thought, this must be Hermione’s letter. He took a moment to appreciate that it wasn’t a howler, and unrolled the bit of parchment.

_Harry James Potter._

_You had better be dead. Because there is absolutely no other acceptable excuse for you not showing up to help me bring my beautiful daughter, your goddaughter, into the world. Ron was useless. Pathetic, really. He nearly fainted and the healers spent half the time making sure he wasn’t dehydrated. Can you believe he forgot the birth plan? Lucky I had spares. Still, I could’ve used your help. It’s no small thing to create and deliver a small human._

_Come see us, please._

_Love,_   
_\- Hermione._

Harry sighed with relief and grabbed his jacket from where he’d dropped it on the floor. He rubbed the back of his hand absentmindedly as he ran down the stairs and out the door to apparate to St. Mungo’s. He didn’t notice the bruise that had formed.

 

Harry shoved past patients, family members and healers in lime green robes as he sprinted through the hospital foyer. The blonde hair and sharp features caught his eye right as he knocked straight into the last person to cross his path before the lifts.

“Watch it, Malfoy.” Harry growled, dashing off to the stairs instead, not keen on another awkward elevator ride.

He didn’t have time to worry that Malfoy would pick up on anything amiss, he had apologies and introductions to go make.


	10. Self Care

Chapter Ten – Self Care  
September 01, 2007

Draco noted that his bathroom mirror was beginning to look more like a memo board than a mirror. He had finally gotten into a rhythm with his daily assignment and sometimes produced more than one affirmation. Beatrice said that he was ready for his the next step. He looked balefully at this reflection, wreathed with hopeful post-its, and clutched at the hem of his sleeping shirt.

 _Your mark does not define you_ looked back at him and he took a deep breath, finally taking off his shirt. “Just spend time without your shirt on.” She suggested. “You don’t have to look at yourself, you don’t have to engage with anyone. Just be in your skin. Learn to love and accept yourself as you are, Draco."

 _You are beautiful._ He had written after that appointment. Now it seemed to taunt him.

 _You are worthy of love._ Rolling his eyes, he realized he couldn’t do this near a mirror. Sure, he thought, he could spend time without a shirt, even though it felt stupid and pointless, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to stare at himself while he did so.

He walked into his sitting room and grabbed a copy of Haematology Today to review an article that caught his eye the other day. Trying not to feel supremely self-conscious and vulnerable, alone though he was, he sat on his couch and tried to focus on the words in front of him.

He lasted 15 minutes. 15 very unsettled minutes. His resolve broke when a familiar owl appeared at his window. Knowing he would be incapable of confronting even written words from his mother while half dressed, he ran off to the bedroom to grab his shirt before letting the owl in and retrieving the note.

 

_Darling Draco,_

_I was hoping you would reconsider your position and accompany me to visit your father. I dread the thought of visiting him alone in that place and could use your strength. For your mother, please._

_With Love,_   
_xx_

 

Draco clutched the letter in his hands breathing out slowly. He had finally gone for tea at the Manor with his mother after weeks of avoiding her after the rose garden incident, and she had spent the entire time begging Draco to come to Azkaban with her to visit Lucius. He had flat out refused. He had only visited Lucius once since his incarceration and didn’t intend to repeat the experience. Draco’s mother went every 3 months to maintain her good graces with the Manor grounds and house. Old magical houses could be finicky with their magic and wards and since Narcissa was only a Malfoy by marriage and not blood, she did what she needed to to appease the ancient house and its deep magical laws.

Now he sat beneath a deluged of emotional blackmail. He scribbled a hasty response, noting the owl was waiting for him and told her that work was too frantic to get away but that if she wanted to have some tea he could come to the cafeteria at St. Mungo’s. He knew she would never accept that offer. Beatrice had told him that lying to his mother was a perfectly acceptable coping skill when she didn’t respect his needs or boundaries, and he clung to that validation like a drowning man. Feeling relieved as the owl took off out the window, he made a mental note to talk to Beatrice more about his mother. The well was deep.

 _________________

 

Greg had been incredibly trepidatious about attending a group counselling session run by Luna Lovegood, but Draco had insisted that she came highly recommended by a reputable source. Neville thought the world of what Luna was doing and Draco knew that Luna was good people through and through. No matter what nonsense she may have thought about nargles.

Draco had reached out to Luna asking for her meeting schedules for Greg, and thus began a weekly correspondence that Draco hadn’t anticipated. It was as if they’d always been friends. After the initial inquiry, Luna never spoke about the meetings to Draco again, they were anonymous after all. She instead asked him about his research and life, inviting him over for tea a fair few times, and was generally very pleasant.

Each invite so far Draco had declined until his therapist confronted him on intentionally isolating himself. That’s what led to him walking up Luna’s garden path to her front door one Sunday afternoon, with his internal boggart performing a relentless circuit, and his insides writhing like fire snakes. Why was he doing this to himself? It was one thing to have a friendly correspondence, it was another to go to someone’s house, someone who had been imprisoned in his cellar, and do what? _Talk?_

Since apparating, he nearly disapparated away twice. This was new and uncomfortable territory. He hadn’t made a new friend since Unice. Not that Luna was new, but her company was. The path to her front door was overrun with beautiful sprawling plants. Nasturtiums, violas, lavender, daisies, and creeping thyme tumbled over one another in bundles of fragrant bursts of colour. Big fat bumblebees meandered mindlessly from blossom to blossom and clouds of butterflies erupted in front of him as he walked.

A large wisteria draped over an archway in front of her door dropping large purple blooms on the porch that released their delicate smell as his shoes crunch them underfoot on the step. Her garden and house seemed to radiate life and he felt a little intimidated. It was all just so… enchanting. Eying a particularly large green praying mantis on the door, he forced himself to stand up straight and exude that trademark Malfoy confidence. He finally reached out for the door knocker. What kind of door knocker was this anyway? Looked like a hippo with wings. Written above the door frame in golden cursive was a sign that read, _“Dreamers and Lost Souls Welcome Here.”_

Well, Draco thought as he rapped the door, he certainly was one of those things.

After a beat, the plum purple door swung inwards and Draco was startled to see Greg standing beyond the threshold, wearing a tool belt full of muggle contraptions and covered in grease stains.

“Hey, Draco.” Greg said with a smile, like this wasn’t weird at all.

“Greg?” Draco asked stupidly. “What on earth are you doing here? Is there a meeting happening?”

“Oh no, I’m just doing some work for Luna. This place is a bit… temperamental. Come in, Luna is in the kitchen, this way.”

“But what are you wearing?” Draco was still confused as he followed Greg into the very eclectically decorated home. Nothing matched. It was an explosion of colour, of mismatched furnishings, of house plants in strange containers, and inspirational quotes painted on the many coloured walls. It was slightly overwhelming at first but as he moved through the house behind Greg, he thought it was very suited to Luna and what she did.

“Oh, it's a muggle tool belt. You know, I can’t fix everything with magic all the time because the meetings are mixed muggle and wizard and there’s usually a bunch of muggles wandering around.”

“Mixed meetings? How does that work?” Draco was very intrigued.

“Well, when someone wants to talk about magic or something wizard related we just use metaphors. Works really well once you get the hang of it. Muggles just think we’re really poetic.”

Draco snorted at the thought of Greg being poetic as they walked into the kitchen. A great open space with a large centre island surrounded by stools. The walls were peach with yellow cupboards and blue countertops. The appliances were all teal enamel and there were tumbling hanging plants everywhere. It was like being in an odd sort of greenhouse, with the large windows streaming in sunlight.

“Draco’s here.” Greg said before scuttling out of the kitchen, blushing when Luna thanked him.

“Draco, it’s lovely to see you.” She said, turning her large eyes on him and moving to wrap him in a big hug.

“Thank you for inviting me Luna.” He said, stiffly but smiling all the same.

“Oh, I know you hated the idea of socializing. But I’m glad you came anyway.”

Draco blushed furiously. All of his pureblood etiquette was horrified. “Luna, it's not… it’s just… I-” He stuttered awkwardly.

“Draco, please don’t worry. I’m not offended. You do what you have to for your emotional stability. And if that means turning down invitations to tea, then that’s what you do.” She didn’t seem to need to blink as much as normal people. “That’s why I kept extending invitations, so that one day when you were ready, you would still feel welcomed and not like you’d missed your chance.” She smiled knowingly at him.

“Oh…” was all Draco managed.

“I assumed your therapist had something to do with you finally coming?”

Draco blushed again and looked down at his feet. “Please don’t feel embarrassed, Draco.” She smiled more broadly and squeezed his shoulder. He normally didn’t like being touched, but he didn’t seem to mind so much with Luna. She smelled like chocolate and sandalwood, like nasturtiums after a thunderstorm. It was oddly specific and almost overwhelming. Startling, but not offensive. Draco found it comforting. “Take a seat, how about some tea?”

“That would be great.” He croaked out, thankful for something routine to swim towards.

Luna worked on gathering the bits and bobs for tea in silence as Draco sat stiffly, trying not to fidget. As Luna sat the tea tray down in front of Draco he looked up into her kind face and felt suddenly curious. “Luna, how did you know I was seeing a therapist?”

“Oh, Greg told me.” She said simply.

“Did he?”

“Yes, he said it was very inspiring to him to hear that you were seeing someone for your emotional turmoil. Greg said you’d be open to talking about it.”

God, why did she have to be so blunt? He thought. “I mean, emotional turmoil might be a bit dramatic.” Draco tried, but Luna raised her hand in reproach.

“We lived through a war, Draco. Horrific things happened at the manor. Emotional turmoil is a grave understatement.” Draco didn’t know how she could speak about these things so lightly and calmly. He spent most of his adult life ignoring what happened in the Manor, and here she was, setting it out on the table with the biscuits.

“I guess.” He said lamely.

“You know I wanted us to be friends, in our last year at Hogwarts, terribly.” Luna said serenely. “But it seemed you couldn’t stand to be around me.” She smiled as if what she said wouldn’t make Draco feel super awkward. He just stared at her with wide eyes, not knowing what to say to that.

“It’s okay, I know I reminded you too much of what happened. I hope now though that we can be friends and that you’re unpacking those feelings with your therapist.”

“Yeah.” Draco said dumbly. It was true, he was starting to unpack those things with Beatrice, but if a friendship with Luna meant this kind of raw emotional honesty, then he wasn’t sure he was ready for it.

“That’s enough of that for now.” She said, fixing Draco his tea and handing it over to him. “Tell me more about unicorn blood. Your letters were informative, but lacked depth.”

Draco sighed in relief. Work he could talk about.


	11. Hooked

Chapter Eleven – Hooked  
January 23, 2008

Harry had lasted five days before he used again. He had started three fires at work the day before. Small ones, but a fire is a fire, really. He was feeling too dangerous to be in public again, so he shoved his hands deep in his jeans pockets and arranged a quiet night in for himself. 

The fires, the outbursts of magic, they were bad, but Harry really couldn’t handle what his thoughts were doing when they were told to cope without their newfound crutch. His nightmares came back with a terrifying insistence - Nagini tearing pieces of his flesh away from his legs as he tried desperately to scramble away from her, the inferi pulling him beneath the surface of the lake as he screamed for Dumbledore to help him, he even had one where Ron had been imperiused and who kept trying to poison him, until he finally got frustrated and shoved the sword of Gryffindor through his abdomen, telling Harry he never really liked him anyway. That last one had kept him up replaying their friendship over the years, looking for hints that they weren’t anything but best mates.

To be fair, when Harry was awake and at work, he wasn’t doing much better. Aside from the outbursts of decidedly more insidious and violent magic, he jumped at every little noise - Ron, who was just back from paternity leave, was now in the habit for heckling him about how much coffee he spilled on himself. Harry, who didn’t find this funny, was back to being annoyed at everyone for everything, and he even told Susan Bones to fuck off after she commented on his lack of Auror approved uniform. Decidedly unprofessional, that was. 

And when he wasn’t busy with the aforementioned, when he was quiet and still, he struggled to shake off the yearning, the longing for that sweet dip into his bath full of golden honey, the place where he could turn down the volume on everything and everyone and just feel. Feel loved and held and safe. He had developed a crick in his neck from having to shake his head to clear his thoughts of it, that’s how familiar this daydream had become. 

So, here he was, apparating back to the stoop of Grimmauld Place, his pockets heavy and his thoughts light for the first time in what felt like forever. The berg adder on the door huffed and puffed at him, as usual, his tongue flicking as he berated Harry “The half master of the house is always alone, why is that?” 

Harry paused for a second. “Because it’s easier to be alone than with people who would never understand you.” He said, his voice dropping an octave as the truth of what he said hit him. How rare it was that he told the truth, these days. What a sad state he was in that it was his door knocker that coaxed it out of him. It had gotten into the habit of asking him existential philosophical questions whenever he came home, and Harry did his best to be honest with the little snake. Who else did he have, really?

He pushed through the door, ignoring the thestrals and their impatient pawing, and slammed it behind him, not wanting to think too hard on why things were the way they were. He was just trying to survive. Like the years he spent fighting Voldemort, he was just doing what needed to be done to keep everyone safe, right? He knew this wasn’t good for him, hell, it wasn’t like he’d picked up jogging and eating celery, he wasn’t an idiot. But he’d always been the one to put himself on the line, the one who went headfirst, alone, into anything, because he knew that was how to keep his loved ones safe. 

Harry grumbled as he took the stairs two at a time, annoyed at himself that Hermione may have been on to something with all that talk of a ‘hero complex’ or whatever. She wouldn’t understand. Plus, she was busy now. Busy with Rose, being a mom to someone else, someone new. She didn’t have time for this. 

He didn’t feel like thinking about it now, not when he was so close to the sticky, sweet relief he had procured for himself. He took his shoes off, sat at the end of the bed, and let all of his thoughts drift away. 

 

Harry was lucky most of the raids he was called on happened in the morning. He’d show up, run into the chaos, fake a few spells or feign an early injury, congratulate Ron with a slap on the back, and head back to the office by lunch time - other times he declined going on the raid at all. By the early afternoon, he’d be shaky and feel his magic panting in his ear for another round. It was easy enough to shrink his kit and keep it hidden, lock himself in the bathroom and give himself a taste to keep the edge off for the afternoon - at which point, he would happily do mindless paperwork until his eyes bled. Sometimes, if he loaded enough, even a dopey smile on his face. 

At night, he’d repeat his routine, saving his heavy doses for when he could lay back and exist in a state of absolute bliss, eyes rolling, mouth open, his body humming with the absolute pleasure of it all - he’d be gone from the world for hours at a time. 

He had stopped eating regularly weeks ago - the kitchen at Grimmauld Place held nothing but an old can of beans at the back of one thoroughly cobwebbed kitchen cupboard, and Sirius’s room was slowly piling with detritus from his favorite haunt - an Indian restaurant by the name of Bunny Chow a few blocks from his lonely townhouse. It was run by Indian Durbanites from South Africa, but Harry didn’t really mind, all he cared about was being able to order their signature dish. 

A few years ago, Harry had spoken to Hermione about what he had described as a feeling of “wanting to know more about his family”, but he privately termed his “chronic feelings of emptiness”. He thought getting to know the Potters’ history and culture might help him feel connected, less directionless and less alone. He knew they had come to London from Madras, now Chennai, two decades before independence, adapting to British life and culture with great ease, assimilating themselves into the old pureblood families right as they were compiling the sacred 28, though they hadn’t formally made the list. 

Harry had tried to read up on some of the magical traditions of Tamil Nadu, but he’d been lost in their intricacies and complexities, the characters and the names that felt incredibly foreign to him - even some of the magical theory was based on things he had never heard before. 

He hadn’t felt any of the connection he thought he might have had in those old texts, but he found something much better the next time he was out walking in London. He had spotted the Indian restaurant, Bunny Chow, and decided to give it a try. This, this was something Harry knew he loved the moment it had touched his tongue - the flavours, the spice, the heat of some of the dishes, he couldn’t get enough. It became a habit for him, on nights where the Ministry had kept him late and he couldn’t even be bothered to microwave 2 minute noodles. 

Now, though, it became part of his habit. A bunny chow, which was basically a hollowed out loaf of bread full of curry, was the last food he could feel motivated to force himself to eat. He’d slink in, grab his takeaway, and get out, and that’s only if he started feeling significant hunger pains. These days, the only cravings he felt were directed at the contents of a syringe. 

This particular evening, no, morning - it had just passed 2 AM, Harry stepped through the glass door, and breathed in the tantalizing aroma that filled the shoebox sized establishment. He ordered his chow and stood to wait, arms crossed, tapping his fingers against the sleeve of Sirius’s leather jacket and trying not to think of how sore the crooks his elbows felt. 

He leaned back against the wall with his eyes closed, sighing deeply. He knew he looked a wreck. He’d started only wearing long sleeves or keeping his jacket on, as the insides of his arms were marked, and he was pretty sure one of the veins in his left was collapsed. He had been stupid to use his arms to begin with, he just hadn’t thought much about how it might start to look. These days, Harry really wasn’t making too many plans with his future in mind. What future, really? 

At this moment, he was simply surviving. How long he could keep that up, he didn’t know. 

His order was up, and he grabbed the bag and headed back, head down and watching the street beneath his feet, wondering what the little adder would comment on now.


	12. Helped

Chapter Twelve – Helped  
December 15, 2007

Draco was not well pleased. After waiting weeks, and weeks to hear back on his proposal from the St. Mungo’s research board, they finally called him in for a hearing to discuss his methods. It started off well enough, but by the end of it he was fending off accusations of insidious desires to use unicorn blood in nefarious ways. Someone even inferred that such research could “see a return of unpleasant times”. Draco had to count to 10 before dealing with the assumption they held that he would use unicorn blood to somehow bring back the dark lord.

They had ended that meeting saying that his application needed more consideration. He left the meeting room seeing red and using every fiber of his being to resist setting the door on fire. He just wanted to help people. He would rather sacrifice himself to being eaten alive by blast-ended skrewts than witness the return of the dark lord. Couldn’t they see that?

He had stormed off to Unice’s department to participate in 20 minutes of shouting choice swear words and empty threats behind a strong silencing charm in the Janus Thickey break room. When Unice had asked him if he had asked McGonagall about staying in the forest yet or for her support for his application, he shook his head. He hadn’t asked yet. He was feeling nervous about approaching her for this. She had never given Draco reason to think she wasn’t on his side, but that didn’t make her any less terrifying. Unice told him to get his head out of his arse and ask the woman.

Walking back to his office he realized that Unice was right. He couldn’t do this on his own steam. He needed support to help convince St. Mungos and the Ministry that not only was this research important but that he was a person capable of doing it without being tempted into dark magic.

Draco had tossed aside four pieces of crumpled parchment before finally penning a letter that didn’t make him want to crawl out of his skin with nerves and embarrassment. He quickly sealed the letter and set it in his out-tray before jumping up to start his rounds. After six gruelling hours of emergency management on an upsurge of blood cursed Aurors, courtesy of Lestrange, he went back to his office and found a reply waiting for him.

 

December 23, 2007

Draco had always loved how Hogwarts made him feel around Christmas. It was the epitome of a magical castle in Draco’s mind. The school always felt so safe and held in the snow, buffeted by the howling wind. He tried to enjoy his happy memories of holidays past and not to think of two years and battle that haunted him. He squeezed a worn post-it in his pocket _You have ample opportunities at hand._

His letter from McGonagall hadn’t been very illuminating. She had only requested the presence of his company. And he walked towards the statue of the gargoyle feeling like he was being summoned to the headmaster’s office to be given detention. The halls were covered in wreaths and fairy lights. Suits of armour lined the walls and mistletoe hung from the rafters. He stifled a laugh as a group of first years crowded around a suit of armour and tried to teach it an off-brand carol, before catching sight of the approaching adult and fleeing down the hall, shrieking with laughter. He felt an odd sense of joy that they ran from him because he was an adult who could tell them off and not because they knew who he was. Reaching the gargoyle he opened his letter from McGonagall to double check the password before saying, “Malva Pudding” and watching the statue leap aside to reveal a moving spiral staircase.

Reaching the headmaster’s door he knocked and heard an imperial, clipped voice command, “Come in.”

Minerva McGonagall hadn’t aged a day. Her ever-greying hair the only sign that eight years had passed since he saw her last. “Good evening Healer Malfoy.” She said with what appeared to be a proud glint in her eye at the word healer, and gesturing him to sit across from her.

“Good evening headmistress. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.” He said as he sat.

She nodded and watched him for a moment before standing to fix a tea tray for them. Draco resisted the urge to look past her seat at the portrait of Dumbledore and Snape. He didn’t want to see anything in their expressions.

“You’ve been a busy man these last few years.” McGonagall stated as she set the cups out. “Healer training and two specialities. And, from what I hear, you’re essentially running the haematology department there at the hospital.” She carried the tray back and set it on the desk between them and gestured for Draco to help himself.

“Yes. I have been busy.” He agreed. He had the feeling he was being sized up.

“Indeed.” She said. After a pause, she pushed a plate towards him. “Have a biscuit.” She directed.

Feeling it would be stupid to refuse this woman, he leaned forward and grabbed a chocolate digestive biscuit. “Thank you.” He said, feeling a little stupid anyways. The feeling that he was about to be sent to detention had yet to dissipate. He wasn’t sure how to try and steer the conversation to a place he felt more in control. But before he could make a decision, she spoke.

“Now, I assume the hospital and the Ministry are giving you grief about your desire to study the unicorns in the forbidden forest?” She asked though she seemed to already know the answer. He nodded. “And your interest in this is to broaden your medical scope for curing blood curses, correct?”

“Blood curses are just the beginning. I feel that there is a lot we can learn about the uses of unicorn blood once the magical stipulations are properly understood. But yes, my primary focus is in blood curses.” He said, feeling a little better at the prospect of being able to talk about work.

“Yes, I think there’s a dearth of information on the concept of consent and gifting with unicorn blood. That being said, the superstition around unicorn blood makes people uncomfortable.”

“It certainly does. People seem to think that I’m trying to get close to the unicorns to do salacious things with it.”

McGonagall almost smiled at this. “Honestly, Mister Malfoy, if you had intentions on bleeding unicorns dry, you’d be dooming yourself. Even if you did have salacious intentions to bring Voldemort back, it would be a wild goose chase. He’s gone. He’s not coming back, and no amount of unicorn blood would change that fact. So, why they haven’t approved your research yet is beyond me.”

Draco was stunned by the cavalier use of Voldemort’s name, and by the assertion that McGonagall thought it preposterous Draco would be up to anything morally dubious. “My thoughts exactly.” He eventually managed to croak out. He couldn’t help it, his eyes flicked to Dumbledore, then Snape, before he could stop himself. They were surveying him with quiet amusement. Dumbledore smiled and winked and Snape observed him pensively with an amused smirk.

“So, then. It seems to me that the way forward is for me to speak out in your favour, and of course to grant you official permission to use the potioneer’s cottage in the forest.”

 _Wow_ , Draco thought, _the woman did not fuck about_. “Headmistress, I would be so grateful for your support.” He sighed, feeling giddy with relief and relaxing further into his chair. He hadn’t realized he was perched on the end of it while she was talking.

This time McGonagall did smile. “With any luck, you’ll have some good news about your proposal in the new year. And when your research proposal is approved, Hagrid can take you to see the cottage. No one has stayed there in nearly 100 years, but the protective charms around it have held up extremely well. Have another biscuit.” She encouraged.

Draco did as he was told, feeling cautiously hopeful.

 

January 23, 2008

Draco’s stomach grumbled in protest as he finished his paperwork in his office. He was at the end of another 24-hour call at the hospital and had only managed to sneak off to the cafeteria once in that time. Abhorring the thought of another shitty hospital meal, he quickly packed away his things and dashed out before he could be intercepted by a nurse for more consultations.

He decided to walk home from the hospital so that he could stop by his favourite Indian restaurant, Bunny Chow. He’d loved Indian food from his first year of Healer training when he would study late into the night and his favourite spot was one of the few places open at 1 am. He came for the tiki masala, he stayed for the people watching.

Due to the unusual name of the west London eatery, it became a hot spot for queer folk looking for a bite to eat during their pub crawls. It’s not that there was anything overtly gay about this restaurant. There were no waving rainbow flags or streamers. Just a little “safe space” sticker in the corner of the window that the owners put up after they realized that they had amassed a cult following of the late night queer community.

It’s not that Draco was interested in meeting anyone, talking to anyone, or engaging in any way at all, but he like the thought that he could be closer to a community that he wished he was a part of. He knew that if maybe someday he were interested in bridging this gap in his life, this would be a good place to start. But for now, he would just order his chicken tikka masala, sit in his usual corner table and enjoy watching the comings and goings of the local nightlife.

It was just after 2 AM and he was nearly done with his meal. The late night revellers came and went and he could hear loud voices from up and down the street from the bars getting ready for last call. Just before he decided to get up and leave he noticed a familiar mop of black hair and a worn leather jacket.

Harry stood there leaning against the wall, arms crossed with his takeaway number in his hand. He was looking down at his feet which tapped impatiently. He huffed a few times in quick succession, apparently frustrated. He looked ill. When Draco had seen him on the elevator at the ministry, and even in the atrium at St. Mungo’s, he had filled out his skinny jeans and jacket, he looked strong and confident. Now he just looked deflated, wasted even. He had an aura of dark magic. When his number was called he jerked his head up like a startled cat, grabbed the bag, and made a hasty exit. Not meeting anyone's eyes.

Draco stared at the place where Harry had walked through the door and sat lost in thought over the reasons why the No-Longer-Golden-Boy would look so utterly wrecked, and why he was at a notoriously gay curry place at 2 AM. Must be a coincidence, he concluded.


	13. Claustrophobia

Chapter Thirteen – Claustrophobia  
March 09, 2008

“Give me what you have.” Harry growled, his eyes closed, his fist tight around the collar of the barman’s shirt. He was breathing heavily, he couldn’t focus, he just needed to get what he came for and get out. The barman was nearly twice his size, yet Harry held him easily. He was full of frantic power.

“I told you, kid, the amount I’m giving you lately, it’s too much. You’ve gotta cut back.” He was trying to shake his head.

Rage swirled around Harry. He felt it boiling inside him, tearing at him. The glasses behind the bar started to rattle and shake, the tinkering getting louder and more insistent as the barman started to panic. Some of them fell to the floor. Harry tried to take deep breaths, but his magic was insistent. It was demanding. It knew what it wanted.

Harry opened his eyes and stared straight at the barman, his eyes sharp and full of an unyielding fury.

“Give me what you have.” He repeated, tightening his grip.

“… I can’t. I need it too.” The barman replied, feebly, his eyes now wide with fear. Ah, the truth, Harry realized. And his magic sent out a concussive force that knocked the barman unconscious instantly. Blood dripped from his nose and Harry let him fall, slumping down amongst the broken glass.

Harry searched his pockets, came up with just enough for today, and made quick work of searching the bar. He knew he wouldn’t be able to come back here. He needed enough to last him the time it would take to find a new supply, he realized. Fuck, he needed a lot.

He found it, eventually, behind a broken bit of wall near the floor in the pitiful loo. It was wrapped in plastic and inside a black backpack, but it was enough. A solid brick of the stuff. Harry laughed, his heart singing, his magic turning around him, keening. He apparated from just there, without bothering to clean the bar, to check on the barman, to make sure no muggles had seen – he was beyond caring. He had his singular objective.

 

He went on a binge that lasted a solid three days in bed. He didn’t get up; he didn’t go into work. After he woke up from the first round, he sent his patronus, the stag, looking tired and at half its usual brightness, to Robards to say he’d taken ill and need a few days recovery. He didn’t care about the reply he got. He didn’t even open it. It didn’t matter, he was the savior of the wizarding world, they could leave him alone for a few days while he sorted himself out.

Eventually, he did go back into work. He had been told he was needed for a raid on the morning of the 15th. Some kind of follow up on whichever dark wizard was busy cursing potions or some such nefarious business. Harry couldn’t really be bothered with the details of the case, he just showed up where they told him to and trailed along as the other Aurors fought their way into a basement potions lab. Harry took his time wandering around looking at all the various ingredients and brewing stations, the cauldrons still smoking with whatever they had been cooking up. He knew some of these potions were used to put blood curses on objects, but he didn’t understand much of the theory behind it. 

It had been a few hours since he had left the comfortable hellhole of Grimmauld Place, and his magic was getting panicky. He had started to sweat a little bit, and not from the effort of the raid. He felt an overwhelming, sickening urge to just apparate back to his den, to hide from all of this, to just get away. He stumbled backwards and knocked into an already rickety shelf holding several bottles, three of which tumbled to the floor and smashed, their contents sending up black and blue tendrils of smoke. Harry coughed. Shit.

Ron came in at the sound of bottles breaking, and Harry gave him an apologetic look.

“Hey mate, I think I’m still sick a bit, got a bit of a dizzy spell and knocked these bottles over. Can you have the cleanup crew come in here and make sure it’s nothing serious?”

Ron sighed “Sure Harry – you alright? You don’t look great. I think you ought to just go back home and I’ll finish up here.”

“I’m ok, just been sick with some nasty flu. Forgot to eat breakfast, that’s all.” Harry recited the now very familiar lie. “I’m headed home then. Thanks, Ron – send my best to Hermione and Rose, I’d come visit but this flu isn’t something I’d like to give as a gift.”

Ron nodded and Harry watched him zone out happily for a moment, obviously thinking of his wife and daughter. Harry tried to not let the bitterness overwhelm him. He nodded and jogged back up the stairs and out to an apparition point.

 

Harry was nodding off after a particularly venomous hit, rolling onto his side, sighing softly. His mind was blank. He refused to engage in anything outside the world of Sirius’s bedroom, of bliss, of quiet and gentle breathing that slowed and slowed and slowed as he slipped away. 

He opened his eyes a fraction at a strange sound, the rustling of the blankets next to him. His brain clawing back out from the white fog he had been drifting in. 

There, before his very eyes, facing him and far too close for comfort, lay Sirius. 

“Harry.” He said, simply, his voice a little foggy around the edges. He wasn’t smiling, but his voice was kind and soft. 

Harry froze. What was happening? What is this? Was this a ghost? 

“If it’s easier to think of me as a ghost, I suppose you can do that. ” Sirius replied to his own thoughts, and Harry immediately knew this was a product of his own mind. He sighed, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes without permission. 

“Sirius.” He slurred the name out of his mouth, drool pooling on his pillow. 

“Harry, I need you to get up. You can’t die like this.” Sirius whispered, his eyes full of regret and pain and maybe love. 

Harry blinked slowly, looking back at him. His hallucination was clear, lifelike, as if he was laying just there. His hair was long and unruly and there was a few days of stubble across his face. Couldn’t he though? Couldn’t he die like this? 

“He can if he wants.” Another voice, louder and more clear came across the room and Harry forced himself to roll over. Leaning against the wall by the window covered in a tattered curtain, was Regulus. He ran his hands through his shorter hair and smiled softly at Harry. 

“Sometimes living is more painful than dying, brother.” Regulus said, his eyes colder and more sure than Sirius’s. 

“In the end, he must be the one to decide.” Regulus finished. Silence hung in the room around Harry, who rolled back to face Sirius. 

His eyebrows were drawn together in concern. He was wearing the same leather jacket as Harry was. 

“Sirius, I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know what to do.” Sirius nodded in understanding. How Harry had needed this. Someone to tell who wouldn’t judge him, who wouldn’t yell at him and scream how stupid he’d been. He needed someone to see his pain, his fear, to feel how little of a choice he felt he had. 

“I know Harry, but it’s hard to watch the ones you love die.” Sirius said softly. Harry knew that. He had watched nearly everyone he’d loved die. Tears fell freely around his cheeks and he sobbed for what felt like hours, his eyes squeezed shut against the soft words of the dead brothers, one arguing for his life, the other for his death. 

 

Harry startled awake, taking a deep gasping breath. He had hallucinated. The parts of his mind still in touch with reality registered this as something terrifying, and he found himself sitting up, scrambling to get out of the bed, looking about for the two dead men who’d been arguing over his almost-corpse. 

“I never wanted this fucking life - I never wanted this fucking house, this death trap, this mausoleum. I don’t need your dead looking after me. Stay the fuck away from me” He was screaming nearly incoherently as he stumbled out of Sirius’s bedroom door. He was scared, and he was still feeling the hit he’d taken, his limbs heavy and his vision dark in the already dim light of the hallway. He wanted to leave. He hated the house for bringing him these memories in the flesh. 

He tripped on his way to the first landing of stairs, pitching sideways as the world spinned around him, falling into the open linen closet to his right. Before he could recover his balance and orient himself, the door slammed shut and clicked locked behind him. 

Harry screamed and screamed until his voice was in tatters. His thoughts raced while he clawed at the heavy wooden door, desperate to get out. His blood was so full of junk he couldn’t do any magic, and the terror of being so helpless, shut in the dark, all alone, was crippling his ability to think clearly. Splinters lodged under his fingernails, tearing up the soft tips. He couldn’t feel any pain, the fear and the drugs kept him numb - but eventually he gave up, heaving with panicked breaths, clutching his bloody hands in the dark. 

He stilled and placed one of his hands over his mouth as he heard something heavy coming down the hallway, rhythmic but slow, solid clunking sounds. He heard big blowing breaths next, even felt the little gusts come tumbling, beneath the bottom edge of the door. He recognized the sound once he heard the shaking and stretching of those long, leathery wings. A thestral. It pawed the carpet outside the door twice before continuing along the hallway. 

Harry panted, not realizing he had been holding his breath, his heart hammering in his chest and his head swimming. He nearly jumped out of his skin at the small voice that broke the silence next to his ear. 

“Fred?” it called softly, inches away. “Fred, is that you? I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I couldn’t find you.” The voice broke into little sniffling sobs. “I’ve been looking for ages. All I want is to find you. I came to look for you.” 

Harry shoved himself as far into the wall on the other side as possible, blatantly hyperventilating now. 

“Harry,” the voice pleaded, “have you seen Fred? I’ve got to find him.” 

Harry scrunched his face up and forced himself to say, out loud “This isn’t happening, you’re hallucinating, Harry. It’s going to be okay. It will wear off, you’ll get your magic back, and you’ll open the door. It’s just your thoughts trying to scare you.” He chanted the same sentences over and over again, trying to drown out the sounds of George. 

He was slumped, curled up with his face against the corner between the wall and the door for what felt like hours. The voices had faded into the background, and the dark linen cupboard, reminiscent of his own childhood cupboard, was full of the sounds of his own trembling breaths. His hands were throbbing now, the blood having dried around the edges of his ragged fingertips, still full of chunks of wood, the splinters lodged deep against bone. 

Harry promised himself he would quit and get his life together if he got out of this alive. He swore he’d be a good godparent, he’d write Andromeda to see Teddy again and he’d buy Rose one of those adorable hoovering brooms his parents had gotten for him when he was small. He’d come clean and tell the truth and go to therapy and he’d rebuild his life. He didn’t want this. The dark, the terror, the loneliness. It was crushing and horrible and Harry didn’t want eternity in fear. 

 

Eventually, Harry sobered enough that his magic returned enough to grant him a hoarse ‘alohomora’. He crawled out of the closet and lay in the hall, crying, with relief this time. He was done. He had to be done. It was still another hour before he could manage to heal his hands, but strips of white scarred tissue remained. 

When he had gathered the strength to stand, Harry had summoned a hammer and a handful of nine inch nails. By the time he was done nailing the closet shut, he was sweating and his arms were aching.


	14. Escape

Chapter Fourteen – Escape  
March 09, 2008

Draco felt dizzy. It was incomprehensible. He could not believe what he was reading. Clutched in his white knuckled hands was approval for his research proposal, paid leave for his sabbatical, and Ministry approval to study the unicorns. Suddenly he was sweating. He should be happy right? This is what he wanted? He realized he was shaking slightly. It was like the bottom had fallen out of his stomach. He was dazed and a little confused. After months of waiting, they had approved his wildest dreams and thought it best to tell him with an unassuming letter in his in tray. Well, he supposed, judging by his dramatic reaction he was a little grateful no one had come to find him to drop this bombshell.

Feeling uncomfortably aware of how small his office was, how nauseous he was, and just how fucking terrified he was at the prospect of upending his entire life to study fucking unicorns in the forbidden forest, _oh my god what was he thinking_ , he made a hasty exit. He needed someone to talk him off the ledge.

He hoped beyond hope that Luna wasn’t in a meeting. If he had to sit alone with his thoughts for one more second he would have to light himself on fire. He hadn’t bothered to owl ahead, which made him cringed internally at his presumptions, but she had always said he was welcome day or night to talk. He hoped she meant it.

Nearly sprinting up her garden pathway he was stopped by the site of her front door opening and a stream of people leaving, chatting with one another, and waving fair-wells. _Well, at least the meeting seem to be ending_ , he thought. He dashed around people idling on the front porch and snaked his way into the house to find Luna. He found her in the kitchen carrying empty tea cups on a tray to the sink. She turned to the sound of his approaching footsteps and didn’t seem remotely surprised to see him standing in her kitchen.

“Oh, hello Draco.” She said, smiling warmly.

Draco didn’t respond, he just rushed up to her with wide eyes and shoved the letter that was causing so much distress into her hands. She took the letter without question and stood reading pensively. After a moment she looked up at him with her large loving eyes and grabbed his arm to pull him into a hug. He resisted for only a moment before letting himself be comforted. He felt his shaky limbs tremble without permission and his breathing felt laboured. It all felt like he was completely overreacting to what was supposed to be good news.

She held on to him in that hug and they swayed slightly on the spot. He had never been comforted like this before. Even his mother never hugged him like this when he was inconsolable. He felt like a child. Eventually, they pulled away when his breathing felt more manageable and he felt less like he was going to rip his skin off and run away. His hands still felt clammy and he was covered in a cold sweat, but Luna didn’t seem to mind. She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the centre island of the kitchen to sit down. She lay the letter down on the table and squeezed his shoulder before moving to make them some tea.

This is why he loved Luna. Sometimes she made him unbearably uncomfortable with her raw emotional vulnerability, and other times she was stoically quiet and gave him exactly what he needed to feel like he wasn’t lost in a hurricane.

After Luna had finished assembling a new tea tray in silence she walked over and sat across from Draco and asked, “There now, are you ready to talk about how exciting this news is?”

“I know I should be excited, but I’m honestly just terrified.” He forced out the admission. It cost him every bit of pride to be honest about his fears, but he needed Luna’s advice.

“Why do you think you don’t deserve good things to happen to you Draco?” She asked without blinking.

He just looked at her, mouth slightly open. “You’ve worked so hard,” she continued, “to convince the hospital and the ministry that this research is important and that you’re the one to do it, and now that you’ve received the all-clear you’re acting like you’ve made a grave mistake.”

“I’m just wondering if I’m doing the right thing.” He finally said after a moment of contemplation. “Should I be up-ending my life like this and abandoning my patients for research that might not go anywhere? I mean, what if I can’t convince any unicorns to give me their blood?! What if they just scoff at me and I spent the next 12 months following them around for nothing?!” He was feeling slightly hysterical again.

She just smiled at him. “You won’t find out until you try.” She said simply. “And, as for up-ending your life and abandoning your patients, it’s only for a year, the hospital will survive without you, and you deserve to do things that you find fulfilling.” Why did it all seem so simple and logical when Luna said it?

“I suppose.” He said. Feeling a bit lost, and a bit stupid for over-exaggerating.

“This calls for a celebration Draco.” Luna declared.

“No, Luna it’s fine. I don’t want to make a fuss.” He said feeling suddenly horrified at the thought of sharing this news with others.

“Oh, Draco, you’ve already made a fuss, but not the fun kind. As your friend, I am allowed to make a fuss about you, for you.”

Draco felt embarrassed. “No, really Luna, we don’t need to celebrate this.”

“Yes, we do.” She stated imperially, as she rose from her chair and wandered out of the kitchen, humming to herself. She called from out of sight, “Don’t you run off on me, Draco!”

After several long minutes in which Draco really did contemplate running off, Luna reappeared in the kitchen with a satisfied smile. “Now tell me, Draco, what would you like for dinner?”

Draco had been surprised when Greg, Neville, and Unice had all walked into Luna’s kitchen over the next hour bearing congratulations and proud smiles. Luna had made veg korma and samosas, Greg had brought Draco’s favourite brownies, Neville brought his homemade nettle and cranberry cordial, and Unice brought flowers for Draco. He had felt completely overwhelmed by his friends that had come together to support him. Making him feel that maybe he really was making the right decisions with his life. He didn’t know how to express his gratitude at having his favourite people in one place and only managed to push out a, “Thank you, really.” at the end of the night. He blushed furiously and hid his face in his hands when they all toasted him with cordial, and hilarious hopes for his future.

“To Draco!”

“May the unicorn blood flow freely!”

“May he enjoy his year as a forest hermit!”

“Here’s to the hopes that he eventually comes back to civilization, and doesn’t leave us for good!”

“May the blood flow freely?” Draco asked in mock horror. “Honestly, Longbottom, what do you think I’ll be doing out there?” He laughed.

Neville just shrugged and laughed, “I’m just saying I hope you get what you need. When do you leave anyway?”

“My last day is on the 18th according to my letter from the research board. I’ll have to arrange with Hagrid this week to hike out to the cottage I’ll be stationed at in order to learn the coordinates and make sure it is suitably inhabitable before I move in. So, after my last shift on the 18th, I’ll grab my stuff and disparate to my new forest home for the next year.”

“Wow, you’ll have so much to do before then, that’s less than two weeks away.” Luna marvelledled. “Have you discussed with Beatrice how you’ll continue your self care and manage your panic attacks while you’re there?”

Draco would normally feel incredibly exposed talking about his mental health issues in front of more than one person, but he realized that everyone present knew about his persistent anxiety, and felt grateful that not a single one of them even batted an eye at Luna’s question.

“I’ll have to meet with her this week to go over a care plan, I guess.” He contemplated. He hadn’t really thought about how he would continue his therapy from the middle of the forest, but Beatrice new he had applied for this sabbatical and he was sure she would have a few suggestions for Draco.

They passed the rest of the evening deep in conversation on magical theory and going over Draco’s research methods. He hadn’t had such a social evening since his 5th year at Hogwarts, and thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad to have friends.


	15. Ending

Chapter Fifteen – Ending  
March 18, 2008

Discharged from St. Mungo’s, Harry has only two things on his mind – first, to write a letter to Hermione explaining why it had to be this way, and how sorry he is for letting his friends down, but knowing that they’ll be okay without him – that they deserve the happiness they’ve built up around them since the war. They’ll be great parents, he knows. The second is to get to Grimmauld place and choose to die.

Regulus was right, he thought has he scrubbed his hands over his face. It’s easier this way. It’ll be quick and then it’ll be over. His hallucinations had scared him of what the afterlife was like, but that was just his panicked thoughts - he didn’t think George was stuck in eternity seeking Fred. Right? That couldn’t be it. It had felt so peaceful in King’s Cross with Dumbledore - the train would take him to the countryside to be with Sirius and his parents and Remus. It would be okay.

He repeated this fantasy to himself as he apparated. Grimmauld Place loomed in front of him as he caressed the little adder knocker.

“You angered the guardians of the house of Black last night” it hissed at him, though it didn’t sound angry.

“I know. But, tonight, I’ve come to join the thestrals. They can have me.” Harry replied, his voice sure and his hand steady. The adder merely huffed before the ancient door swung open. “I’m not sure that’s how it works, half master.” The adder hissed softly at his back as he crossed the threshold.

Harry didn’t mind. He was done. He couldn’t bear the thought of the shame and the embarrassment of having to explain what was going on, not to Ron, not to Hermione, not to anyone. He couldn’t withdraw on his own, he had proven that this morning when he’d collapsed in a goddamn toilet at work. His work didn’t even need him there, anyway. He felt redundant, useless. He didn’t want to spend his days catching dark wizards, he just wanted to be left alone.

He didn’t want to live through the withdrawal anyway, not for the meagre reward his life would be, it was too painful, too hard and at the end of the day he’d be back with the feelings of emptiness he’d been feeling from in the first place.

He didn’t think he could actually do it, get clean, if he wanted to be honest with himself. Visions of him confessing to everyone, relapsing, disappointing them and doing this all over again flooded his thoughts.

No, he thought, it’s just better this way.

He dragged himself up the stairs and into Sirius’s familiar bedroom. He dragged out the bag he’d hidden his half brick of supply in when he’d been convinced he could quit earlier that morning. It was more than enough.

He paused. It was time to say goodbye.

He grabbed a bit of parchment and a quill, dipping it only once in the inkpot by the bed stand.

_Hermione,_

_It’s ok if you don’t understand. I love you and Ron and Rose more than anything, and I know you have a beautiful, happy life ahead of you. Don’t waste time being sad._

_I’ve talked it over with Sirius. This is for the best._

_I’ll be ok._

_\- Harry_

He loaded the largest dose he could. He knew he’d pass out once he hit it, and he didn’t want the moments of worrying or regret, of wondering if this was the right choice. It was. In this moment, he was sure.

He pushes in and lets out a sob of exhaustion, his letter to Hermione fluttering from his hand as it drops next to the mattress, his eyes roll back in his head and he gently slips away, laying back against the ratty, stained pillow. The house falls silent.


	16. Beginning

Chapter Sixteen – Beginning  
March 18, 2008

Draco walked back to his office. He was exhausted after his 24 hour shift, but pleased that he had been able to chat with Unice before running off to the forbidden forest for the next 12 months. The last 10 days had been a whirlwind of activity for Draco. He had spent a full 16 hours with Hagrid one day, hiking out to the stone cottage and preparing it for human habitation. After a 4 hour hike in which Draco sweat half to death under his layers and layers of winter clothes, they had spent a solid 12 hours rewarding the hollow and fixing up the cottage. McGonagall had had the idea to charm a cupboard in the cottage that could connect to the kitchens at the school so that they house elves could supply him with food. He could just place a list of needed supplies and the house elves would oblige. He could have sworn that McGonagall winked at him when she made this suggestion, so reminiscent of the vanishing cabinet. That woman, honestly.

Now, all he had to do was to satisfy his neurotic compulsion to micromanage the haem department before handing it over to Sprigg. Then, he could finally let go and leave to start the next phase of his life. He packed up the last bit of his personal effects in his office, including his new bag of hobby supplies. Beatrice had suggested he pick up a new hobby that didn’t involve medicine that he could participate in when he was feeling overwhelmed. That’s how he ended up with a bag of yarn, a few pattern books, and an assortment of knitting needles. He still hadn’t gotten the hang of it since he only managed to pick it up on his rare breaks during his shifts, but he was hoping that after a few weeks of solitude in the forest he would start to figure it out. Plus winter in the forest was cold. He could use all the socks, scarves, hats, and jumpers he could pile on to his thin frame.

He shrank his things and stowed them carefully in his pocket. Looking around his office, he said a quiet goodbye, closed the door behind him and strolled towards the nurse's station.

There was only one file in the active patient tray. The Haem department had been very slow today, which is why Draco had spent most of the day filling spots in the rest of the hospital. When there were no blood curses to tend to, Draco became sort of a jack-of-all trades around whatever ward needed hands. He wandered over and grabbed the file to see what lucky patient landed in Sprigg’s care.

He was truly shocked to see Potter’s name on the file and was instantly curious as to how and why he landed in the Haem department. Suddenly very anxious that he had been another victim of Lestrange’s blood-curdling curse, and possibly another victim to Sprigg’s ineptitudes, he read on. Scanning the file his suspicions became more and more pronounced, his eyebrows rising higher and higher into his hairline as he read.

The patient presented with: tremors, hyperhidrosis, confused speech, irritability and aggression, potentially accidental magic?

The diagnostic spell results were even more curious and suspicious. Sprigg seemed to have missed the small and seemingly innocuous red line whose indication made the hairs on the back of Draco’s neck stand up. Instead of that red line, there should have been a network of golden threads to represent Potter’s nucleus accumbens in his mesolimbic pathways. Shocked, he stood for a moment, alarm bells ringing in the back of his memory banks – something was telling him he should know what this means – one of his old haem journals did an article on… what was it… addiction?!

Potter’s symptoms suddenly made sense. He was withdrawing – without any medical help, without anyone knowing – hell, his friends probably didn’t even realize what was happening. Potter was using muggle narcotics to avoid detection in the Aurors. His heart racing, Draco flipped to the blood chemistry results that must have just come in from his lab –

Potter’s blood contaminant numbers are off the charts.

They looked nearly lethal – whatever he was using was causing a mass buildup of magnesium in his system. How did Sprigg miss this? What did the muggles call it? Opiates? Heroine?

It was heroin, it had to be – Draco had read in the article that muggles often disguised the drug with other compounds to take advantage of less discerning clients, often using talc, which was composed of magnesium and silicate. It was a second or two before Draco realized he had stopped breathing.

Harry Potter was in withdrawal from heroin and no one seemed to fucking notice.

“Nurse Wallace, where is this patient? Where’s Potter?” he said with rising panic and rage.

“He was discharged not 30 minutes ago. Sprigg sent him home with orders for bed rest and hydration.”

“He WHAT?!” Draco nearly screamed. He was on the edge of being consumed by panic. If Harry Potter had been sent home in this condition, then he was as good as dead.

Draco broke out in cold sweats. Why did he feel such a sudden urge to protect him? Is it because Draco recognized that clearly, no one else knew what the saviour had been up to? How close he was to death? That not a single one of the most famous wizards in Britain’s friends know anything about his imminent self-destruction? Has not a single fucking person noticed Harry was using? Fuck. Where would he even find Potter now? Without stopping to think about what he was doing he flipped feverishly through the file to the personal details to find an address. It felt like a gift from the universe that he knew exactly where he would find Potter.

He dropped the file and dashed off down the hall to his office where he grabbed every dispenser of naloxone he had in his cupboard. He had begun stocking the muggle drug, after losing a patient to an overdose a few years back. He never wanted to be that ill prepared to deal with muggle narcotics again. Stuffing the naloxone into his robe pockets, he took off running full speed towards the apparition point in the hospital lobby hoping against hope that he wasn’t too late.

 He landed on the steps of Grimmauld place. He had never been here before but he knew it well from stories of his mother’s childhood. The Thestrals carved in the door looked up and gazed at him, breathing softly and stretching their wings. The little snake by the door knocker huffed and puffed itself intimidatingly. Draco didn’t have time to dick around with ominous door carvings, he said with a loud and thunderous voice, “I am a Black, let me in!”

He felt cold and shivering magic settle around him, it felt relieved and welcoming. The door swung open to reveal a pitch black interior and a wave of musty dampness wafted out around him. As he stepped in he felt the house respond to him, the air felt less and less oppressive as he moved in through the front hall and the horrid smell began to dissipate. But he had no idea where he was going. “Potter!” He screamed. “Harry Potter! Don’t you dare be dead!”

He started to run towards the downstairs hall but stopped, maybe he was upstairs? He didn’t have time for this. “Where the fuck is he?!” He yelled at no one, but the house responded immediately. The oil lamps on the wall light up at the sound of his command, illuminating a pathway up the stairs. Without hesitating, he bolted up the steps taking them two at a time. The smell of dark magic was nearly overwhelming as he scaled the floor landings one after another, wondering how Harry had been living in such a state. The house was derelict and diseased.

He hesitated for a second at the top most landing where the row of lights stopped in front of a bedroom that had had its door ripped off the hinges. As he walked towards the room he passed a cupboard door that had been nailed shut with a staggering number of nails with a trail of dried blood coming away from it. There were feathers spilling out from the room in front of him and the smell of mouldy food was overpowering.

Realizing that Harry must definitely be in here he ran over the threshold and the sight that met him knocked his breath out of him as effective as a swift punch to the diaphragm.

Harry was curled in on himself on a disgusting nest of old soiled bedding, surrounded by discarded take away containers. He wasn’t moving. Draco ran over to him and rolled him onto his back, checking for breathing and a pulse, noting the foam and drool coming out of his mouth. Next to him lay a bit of parchment addressed to Hermione, that Draco realized with mounting horror must be his goodbye. Not daring to read it he grabbed it and stuffed it into his pocket and checked to see if Harry was breathing. After confirming that, shit, he wasn’t breathing, Draco grabbed the naloxone from his pocket, peeled the plastic backing and shoved the device up Harry’s nose before pushing the plunger. It seemed he waited for an eternity, although it must have only been 5 seconds before Harry gasped weakly. Draco could barely feel a pulse and his breathing was irregular.

“No, you fucking don’t.” Draco snarled and ripped open another naloxone packet and discharging its contents into his other nostril. “BREATHE HARRY!” Draco screamed at him, rubbing his sternum hard with his knuckles.

This was bad. This was beyond fucked. Draco didn’t trust St. Mungo’s to treat Harry properly after sending him home with such glaringly obvious and dangerous symptoms, but he was terrified of Harry dying on Draco’s watch. They would surely blame him, wouldn’t they? Harry couldn’t die. This fucking prat couldn’t die and leave Draco in this shit storm. Why did it always have to be Harry when shit hit the fan? Casting a quick but strong stasis charm on his limp body, Draco grabbed a tight hold on his arm, announced to the house that he needed the wards to let him out, and disapparated them both into Draco’s apartment.

Back in his quiet sanctuary, Draco transfigured a mat on the floor and levitated Harry on to it. He stripped Harry out of his filthy clothes, first fishing Harry’s wand from its pocket and stashing it in his own, and vanished them to the wash closet. After covering him in a sheet, he tried to organize his thoughts into something helpful. _Think, Draco, think_ , he urged himself. Harry needed potions. A lot of potions. He needed a blood cleaning potion, a cardiac potion, a liver repair potion. He ran through the list, mentally noting that he had most of what he needed in his personal stocks.

Getting up he dashed off to collect everything he would need for an emergency resuscitation and prepared to remove the stasis charm in order to properly assess the damage. With a wave of his wand, he removed the charm and nearly passed out in relief as Harry moaned pitifully. Thank fuck he was breathing. Praise Salazar’s braided beard. “Potter.” He said, “Harry, come on.” He rubbed Harry’s sternum again, trying to rouse him to consciousness, but he was still far out of reach.

Grabbing his potions he began trying to bring Potter back from the brink and hoped that his year sabbatical wouldn’t turn into a life on the run from the ministry for killing the saviour.

After hours of pouring potions down Harry’s throat, vigilantly rolling him over so he wouldn’t aspirate his vomit, running diagnostic charms, and rehydrating the emaciated man, Draco slumped back against his couch when it seemed that Harry was out of the worst of it. He still hadn’t woken up but that wasn’t surprising, what with the combination of the blood cleaning potion and calming draught Draco had given, Harry should be out for a couple of hours still. At least it seemed he was done puking, the potions were doing what they needed to do to keep his vital organs safe and functional, and he was no longer teetering on the brink of death. He placed every alarm spell he could on Harry before rising from the couch.

He had an idea. It was a mad idea. Surely an idea that Harry would try and murder Draco for once he came around, but the only one he could think of to keep the prat alive. This had clearly been a suicide attempt after months and months of deteriorating mental and physical health. Maybe it was the life debt that Draco owed Potter, but he felt it was paramount to keep him alive, even it if was against his will. Satisfied that he would be alerted instantaneously if Harry woke up or needed any kind of intervention, Draco grabbed his packed bags and disapparated to the cottage. He would need to prepare it two people instead of just himself.


End file.
